Looking to keep hope alive

[ALF213]

What were her reasons for leaving? Aside from the current needy behaviors (which are perfectly natural by the way). Did you read all of DR?

Her main reason for leaving is that she says she didn't feel "safe" with me as her husband. That I got complacent and settled. We have young kids and we always put them first. I knew our marriage wasn't great at times, but I guess I thought it was "normal" with young kids, and eventually we would be able to dedicate more time to us. We stopped making time to do things together. It was always separate or as a family.

Another issue is she says I stopped listening to her. I tried to fix things when she would tell me what was bothering her, instead of just listening and understanding. This is also where the controlling part comes in. Instead of listening to her, I would try to help and gives solutions or offer help. She just needed me to listen and be there. So she began to disconnect emotionally.

I have not read DR yet. I just picked it up last night. I am part way through DB, and I'm trying to apply the 180 and LRT. Our discussion a couple nights ago was the first time I truly validated her feelings. She opened up more than she has in at least a couple months. She does not open up easily. At times when I knew something was bothering her, and I tried to talk to her, she would always play it off. Saying she was just tired or she didn't like her job. Turns out that wasn't the case. She was questioning our marriage internally.

We have always been great friends. In a way, I think it masked some of our problems. Even now, she is very friendly to me most of the time. Its confusing. She does not yell or get upset, but she is quiet/sad at times. She thinks we can be that happy divorced couple that gets along great.

I saw a MWD video on youtube the other day. She mentioned that a WAW will stay in the marriage until she finds a reason to leave. During that time, it will often appear to the H that things are going well. This is exactly what happened. We seemed to be doing really well. Then my W started a new job in September, and in November, I found out she was texting with a guy from work on a regular basis. Then the BD happened in December. She claims he was just a friend and there was no affair. The MC told her she needed to cut off all outside of work contact with this OM if she wanted the marriage to work. She didn't think it was necessary, but reluctantly agreed. From that point things seemed to improve before stalling out a month or so later. Then I found out she started emailing him after no contact for a month or so. She still said it was not a PA, and even denied it was an EA. She was very sad/scared when I asked her about it. She was apologizing and insisted she would stop. She kept saying I should be so angry with her. I was, but I'm not the yelling type. I let her know I was hurt by it and it needed to stop, now. It was/is a classic EA. She said she would talk to him at work the next day. I told her I wanted to know how that went. After work she doesn't bring it up, so I ask. She did a complete 180 on the topic. She said she was not going to stop talking to this "friend", and that I can't control who her friends are. She said it felt good to stand up for herself. This lead to her saying she couldn't do this anymore and she wanted a divorce. I don't know her what her relationship with the OM is now. I don't ask. I do know her phone goes with her everywhere in the house. She rarely sets it down, and when she does, its face down. She also doesn't let the kids play any games on her phone, which they used to do occasionally.

She told me the other day that it is hard to be in the same house together. Since she isn't angry with me, I think its because it makes her sad that our marriage is over. She has cried (which she doesn't do often) a couple times when talking about that.

One more thing, my W's mom left when she was 2. Her step mom treated her poorly. She learned as a child to just keep things in. It was easier than speaking out and causing problems. So thats what she did in our M. She kept it in until it was too late. The MC believes that when she felt I was letting her down, I got all the unresolved resentment she had towards her mom and step mom. Fair or not, thats what it is. She feels for the first time she is standing up for herself. It turns out her best friend is going through the same thing and ended her marriage about a year ago (I knew about the D, but didn't know why). So for the last 18 months, my W has been her sounding board. Its hard not to think this has influenced my W. She says her friend didn't convince her to leave, but the more they talked over the months, the more she realized she felt the same.

So I think thats most of it...