think H is with OW right now. I was at my bookclub. Gave H opportunity to be home with kids. He said he was "working" Doesn't call to check on kids. he is supposed to come over tomorrow for lunch. so close to sending a text...Kids expect him to come over.
thanks wbw, you're right, we have no control over their actions. I am learning to accept that too. Which is why it is difficult for me to find a resolution to this mounting list of 'H gripes'. Because he's going to do whatever he wants to do. But I feel they need to be given the opportunity to make corrections. Then, when/if they choose not to, we're back in control with how to react with that information.
Maybe the most obvious choice is to say "H, you seem to be withdrawing from dds again lately. dds and I are worried about your drinking, it seems to have increased. Is there anything bothering you we can discuss?"
I usually avoid these types of questions because he shuts me down pretty hard. This is exhausting.
Then, when/if they choose not to, we're back in control with how to react with that information.
You're always in control of how you react if you choose to be.
It's OK to be angry that he's still drinking. It's OK to be angry if he's still in contact with OW. It's how you deal with that anger that's important. Anger is an emotion that's evoked when we are threatened. Figuring out that threat and then responding in a way that keeps you safe is the key. You can set boundaries but remember boundaries are for you, not to control the other person. Your Ds can set boundaries. You can't do that for them, they're old enough to do that for themselves.
You may be still caught up in something you learned as a child. I think young girls especially are taught that we should never be angry so we feel it is a bad thing. We don't learn how to best deal with it. We can't change the past but there's no time like the present to change things that are no longer useful and are just plain unhealthy.
What feelings do you have about H's drinking that underlie the anger?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
What feelings do you have about H's drinking that underlie the anger?
abandonment, being dismissed, unimportant, neglected. Me taking it too personally? Maybe. I started with a new IC last week that does EMDR. Looking forward to a new perspective with IC and heal these raw feelings.
The long dreaded MC appt was today. Spent most of the time on trust recovery again with H. MC asked the very fist time we went, how long will I be willing to go as vehicle to H's healing R with dds and knowing we have different goals for MC? Today I sat there & thought "This is the last time. This is a waste. I'm getting nothing out of this."
But I did have the opportunity to express to H how hurtful his texting OW was to girls, and by extension, me. I also expressed concern for the drinking. I tried to do it from a collaborative parenting role. MC asked H how things were going with dds and he pretty much thinks things are peachy. Girls are friendly and engaging. Then MC asked what my perspective was. So I was able to say that 'I know H's goal is to reconnect with dds, and these are things that I think are roadblocks in him rebuilding r's with dds.' texting... drinking...
After appt I asked to speak with H in car. I asked him how he was feeling about appt, told him I felt bad for laying into him about things. He said he didn't feel that I was bashing him. I reiterated the texting issue and he confirmed ow was just a casual acquaintance now. I said 'you have the right to text anyone you choose. But you have to understand that the girls seeing your ongoing communication with ow via texting or online fb/instagram it is a knife through their hearts and mine!' He said he could see that.
So then we came home (drove separately), talked to d18 a little about prom plans & I went to the gym while H took d15 on an errand and brought home dinner!
It's been a couple hours and I looked... and H appears to have unfriended ow online!
Do I acknowledge this and say thank you for listening?? Ideally, I'm not supposed to be seeing or interested in his online activities so I wouldn't necessarily notice, right?
H also took this upcoming Saturday off of work to go to d18 final parade and prom prep stuff. He said he was going to feel like a 5th wheel with the hair/makeup brigade. I told him that it would mean a lot to d18 & 'every girl wants her daddy to see her dressed as a princess & tell her she's beautiful'. His eyes got a little teary when I said that.
Finally, here's my big struggle of the week that I worked out at the gym. I was feeling very used ^^ in appt and throughout this process of supporting H & his R with dds. But I understand that I want his R with dds conditional upon our marriage R. I want our family back. And if that doesn't happen, I want to hate him and want girls to be fall out.
But, I'm not really that person. So (for now, please someone remind me of this later) I will continue to support H on this journey. I'm afraid of being put in the middle again, but I'm going to live with awareness about living the role of being supporting, not controlling.
Someone pls tell me if I should acknowledge the fb unfriending? Funny thing is now that the dreaded conv has been had about the texting, I kinda don't care anymore! I'm glad he took that action - actions are important. But I have absolutely no expectation that they're really done communicating and I realize that H took that action for dds, not me. I feel more detached right now and it's a good place to be for today.
I'm not a vet & still learning by the minute, but I don't think I would acknowledge it. For me it would just worry me even more after I did & then in turn give me a whole new thing to stress about.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Thanks in_it. I think you're right. I just had a long phone conversation with H (never happens!) and he acknowledged taking down a pic on Instagram that d15 was bothered by. I gave him lots of room & didn't say anything for a bit but he didn't elaborate about unfriending so I didn't bring it up either.
We talked about H moving down to our area. We're out of district in the school and were caught... H said he was planning on moving here anyways so he may as well look for place in district. It is hard to support this decision, even though I'm sure it'd be good for dds. It's a huge financial strain that will take money away from me, as he says 'I need you to figure out how much you actually need every month'. Time to re-check my maintenance/child support schedule since d18 will be gone soon...
H made no comments about D and implied that he would continue supporting us... even said he wanted to make sure we had enough money for our beautification routine... had to laugh at that one. I guess he's noticed the mani/pedi/colored hair after all. haha. I expressed that I can reevaluate my budget but I still had one credit card I needed help with, mostly kid stuff. He offered to pay it off in the fall when his work was busy. For now, I'm very appreciative that he is still taking care of us and I told him so. I told him that this is a transition we'll have to adjust to, that I didn't think I'd be able to adjust to the financial withdrawal when he left, but we're doing okay. This is just another adjustment.
Reality is about to hit... but I'm not panicking (surprisingly!) and doing okay. And I thanked H for discussing this with me. I think he's probably been afraid to do so too based on old reactions.
And about your counseling sessions, if they don't sometimes leave you with things you have to work out, you need a new therapist. Digging through muck and distressing feelings is where the work is, don't shy away from that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yep that's why I changed IC. Felt for the past couple months I was getting sympathy but no healing. This new therapist is a cognitive therapist & does emdr. Has anyone tried that?
I'm not super familiar with it yet, but it's a progressive therapy that is supposed to desensitize stressor feelings attached to trauma. The constructive 'do something' approach appeals to me but I don't know the effectiveness or much else about it yet. I have a friend that has really benefited from this therapy so we'll see.
