What feelings do you have about H's drinking that underlie the anger?
abandonment, being dismissed, unimportant, neglected. Me taking it too personally? Maybe. I started with a new IC last week that does EMDR. Looking forward to a new perspective with IC and heal these raw feelings.
The long dreaded MC appt was today. Spent most of the time on trust recovery again with H. MC asked the very fist time we went, how long will I be willing to go as vehicle to H's healing R with dds and knowing we have different goals for MC? Today I sat there & thought "This is the last time. This is a waste. I'm getting nothing out of this."
But I did have the opportunity to express to H how hurtful his texting OW was to girls, and by extension, me. I also expressed concern for the drinking. I tried to do it from a collaborative parenting role. MC asked H how things were going with dds and he pretty much thinks things are peachy. Girls are friendly and engaging. Then MC asked what my perspective was. So I was able to say that 'I know H's goal is to reconnect with dds, and these are things that I think are roadblocks in him rebuilding r's with dds.' texting... drinking...
After appt I asked to speak with H in car. I asked him how he was feeling about appt, told him I felt bad for laying into him about things. He said he didn't feel that I was bashing him. I reiterated the texting issue and he confirmed ow was just a casual acquaintance now. I said 'you have the right to text anyone you choose. But you have to understand that the girls seeing your ongoing communication with ow via texting or online fb/instagram it is a knife through their hearts and mine!' He said he could see that.
So then we came home (drove separately), talked to d18 a little about prom plans & I went to the gym while H took d15 on an errand and brought home dinner!
It's been a couple hours and I looked... and H appears to have unfriended ow online!
Do I acknowledge this and say thank you for listening?? Ideally, I'm not supposed to be seeing or interested in his online activities so I wouldn't necessarily notice, right?
H also took this upcoming Saturday off of work to go to d18 final parade and prom prep stuff. He said he was going to feel like a 5th wheel with the hair/makeup brigade. I told him that it would mean a lot to d18 & 'every girl wants her daddy to see her dressed as a princess & tell her she's beautiful'. His eyes got a little teary when I said that.
Finally, here's my big struggle of the week that I worked out at the gym. I was feeling very used ^^ in appt and throughout this process of supporting H & his R with dds. But I understand that I want his R with dds conditional upon our marriage R. I want our family back. And if that doesn't happen, I want to hate him and want girls to be fall out.
But, I'm not really that person. So (for now, please someone remind me of this later) I will continue to support H on this journey. I'm afraid of being put in the middle again, but I'm going to live with awareness about living the role of being supporting, not controlling.
Someone pls tell me if I should acknowledge the fb unfriending? Funny thing is now that the dreaded conv has been had about the texting, I kinda don't care anymore! I'm glad he took that action - actions are important. But I have absolutely no expectation that they're really done communicating and I realize that H took that action for dds, not me. I feel more detached right now and it's a good place to be for today.
