The Last DB Thread? By Tori

[bustingout]

Hi Tori,

I cannot wait for your book as well :-)

WRT the mail...When you are ready, I wonder if it is worth considering asking him to change his address. The communication involved with him picking up the mail seems to weigh heavily on you. Although of course everything is still very fresh so I can only imagine that any communication whatsoever could weigh heavily anyway.

just a thought.

(((((((((Tori)))))))))

[tori2012]

Guys, so happy to see your posts!

Wendylon, Busting and Subguy, thank you for the encouragement about the book. I don't think I can tell you the name of it bc of the rules of the board, but I will tell you when it's released so you have a higher prob of finding it.

Ruby and Busting, about the mail: I will mail him the most recent docs the lawyer sent (retirement acct distribution is not over yet)and will keep his other mail a few more weeks...

I emailed him and honestly expressed how I am too hurt by his past and current behavior to want to see him. He replied with the typical "I am sorry you feel this way" instead of owning up to his actions and apologizing. But if he were at that level of wisdom and awareness, we wouldn't have ended up divorced anyway. I don't think I should reply, because anything I say will stir negative feelings and I don't want that. But heck, I have thought about a million witty replies! :-)

The more I think about this, the more I realize how it's a blessing to have him out of my life. I've remembered a lot of the emotional abuse I was subject to for years. He basically buried the true Tori and made her a fearful and insecure woman. But now true Tori has come out, and she's here to stay. I get pretty angry when the memories come back, but I am able to tame the negative emotions a lot faster. I'm choosing to see Joe as someone who is not and didn't act out of malice, but out of pure ignorance. This is a man who does not know what love is and who has a concept of life that will keep him living at ordinary levels of awareness. I am starting to live an extraordinary life.

Today I did this super fun program at our local aquarium in which you can be a trainer for a day! I worked with whales, sea lions, penguins, rays, and other animals. Fed them and everything! I'm putting the D cash to good use. Will have to watch the finances, though :-)

I am thinking I will do one more thread so I can keep you updated on the book. Plus your support makes such a difference in my life.

Love you all.

[tori2012]

Hey, all.

So today is my 12th wedding anniversary. I was in a pretty sad mood this AM. Then I switched my thoughts and my perspective and felt better...After all, it's just a date on the calendar, I said to myself. This actually worked.

Around 2:00 PM, Joe called. He said he wanted me to know he was thinking about me and that he "sincerely hoped" I was doing well. I said he always said that. He said he meant it. He also mentioned he read my message about still being hurt for everything he did and that he didn't know how to reply to it.

He asked me about what I'd been up to so I shared some of my most recent speaking engagements and blog. Didn't tell him about my book. I wonder what he'll say when the book is published. I don't talk bad about him, but I do reference him and some of his behaviors...I don't think he'll love it.

He shared some stuff about work. Overall, it was a pleasant conversation. He said it'll never be easy to see each other but that it'll be something different in the future, and that he admired my integrity and my positive attitude. Also said I would've been proud of him bc someone was talking bad about me and he "strongly" defended me. I wonder who that person was. My guess is one of the OW from work or his sister, who somehow never liked me.

How do I feel? Well, I feel like I need to listen to the advice in my book all the time, because it works really well. Sometimes I backslide, but what can I do. And I need to fully forgive Joe, which I know I haven't done even if I say I have. And I need to fully detach from the past, from his hurtful behavior, from his present behavior, and from my own frustration. I need to detach from the pain. That still is a work in progress.

I thanked Joe for calling me. He's been a total jerk, but I think he now realizes that the way he behaved wasn't the most mature or compassionate. He still has a long way to go, but I guess I do too. Time to move on and forgive. I'm on that path...and it takes a long time, but I will eventually get there.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks for the update Tori. I know it's still tough, but you're strong and will continue to grow. I also want to thank you for all the support you've given us on this board.

Keep us posted on your book... I'm looking forward to my special copy!

[tori2012]

Hi, FY! I've been wondering how you are!
Your special copy is reserved. Lipstick kiss on the first page and everything :-) I don't know how I am going to send it to you, but we'll work it out.
Your words are always so uplifting. Thank you.
Joe and I spoke again (about insurance.) I only had five minutes bc I had a phone meeting to participate in. He told me my mom called him on our anniversary (after he and I had spoken.) And my mom asked him to not tell me anything about it. So guess what he did. He said he had been "nice" but he thought my mom wanted to make him feel guilty. I said she probably just wanted to say hi. Turns out he was right. :-)
I've been dreaming about Joe every night. I think being lonely the past few days might have something to do with it. The bad memories keep popping up, but I intentionally replace them with something different.
Lately, I've had a feeling that I won't want to marry anyone else. That I'm better off alone. But at the same time I crave romance and the company that a romantic partner can provide. I miss having someone to share my day-to-day stuff with. I miss that connection. My goal is to do more social stuff (not just write day and night) so I can actually meet new people. I think making new friends is what I need at least until I'm 100% healed.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi, FY! I've been wondering how you are!
Your special copy is reserved. Lipstick kiss on the first page and everything :-) I don't know how I am going to send it to you, but we'll work it out.

I can see it now...

W: Hey, who's this book from that's signed with a kiss?

Me: Oh, that? That's Tori, she helped save our marriage!

[needgrace]

hi tori,

tbh i have had those same feelings about being better off alone... but you will not always feel that way... i thought i would and recently i have been surprised that someone has caught my interest..

i have been thinking a lot about my M... and thinking that maybe W tried to be someone for me that she really wasn't... and that she was unable to not be herself forever.

and that she lacked the ability to be herself and see if we could work with her being her.. does that make sense?

i share this here bc you are writing your book and i am sure are thinking about such things..

(((((((((((((((((((((((Tori))))))))))))))))))))))

[Spartan]

Tori - Just caught up on your sitch and glad to see you doing well and still writing. I think the memories and loneliness will get easier to deal with and we know how strong you are so no worries there . I can't wait to read the book.

I think you're handling Joe really well, especially with how he treated you.

The aquarium thing sounds incredible. What other 'social' type things are you thinking of doing?

[BrightFuture]

Tori, I understand what you are feeling right now. I thought that I didn’t want to get married after my first D. But, then my current H came along and I was “thinking” again. I’m pretty sure is that I was completely comfortable and happy on my own, and this is when my current H showed up.

I know about the dreams too. I was only married to my first XH for 5 years, but the dreams still show up sometimes (mostly not good once, though.)

I’m sure you will feel different when you are ready for a new R. I wish this day comes sooner for you.

[littleGTO]

Tori,

I know without a doubt you WILL find happiness. And when you do your heart will be ready and open for a new, healthy, mature R, not to complete you but to enhance your happiness and to share life with!

You deserve this!