Honeypot, No, they did not check the testosterone levels. That is what I was asking for. He has never lost the ability to have an erection but they were not what they used to be because of the medication he was on so the Cialis (couldn't remember that last night for the life of me!) definitely helped.
Quote: Also, I had one other thought...maybe he was not fully "there" because he was nervous. You know, thinking "If I have these pills, she will be expecting this of me all the time." Some people just don't want to want, and it is a mystery why not.
I think that this is a definite possiblity. We did have a long talk Friday evening when I got home from out of town. I had a lot of time to think while driving a 300 mile round trip that day.
He said that he did not know the long term effects of the medication and that viagra had caused heart problems for some people. I did tell him then that if he did not want to take this medication that I would understand.
When we were ranting at each other Thursday he said he would just divorce me and I could marry someone else and have all the sex I wanted. I told him that I did not want to divorce him for God's sake and he said that when 2 peoples desire levels were so different that it caused problems (obviously).
I told him Friday that I had had time to give this a lot of consideration on the drive that day. I said that I wanted to see a doctor and I wanted to get on tranquilizers for two reasons.
1. I feel like a crazy person these days. I am always on edge and cranked out of shape. I scream at the kids and am in general a nervous wreak.
2. The medication would calm me down and most likely lower my own libido and then we would have a matched set again.
He was against that. He said I did not need medication and should not take it. (we both are against any unnecessary medication and always have been) I told him that I did not like being upset all the time and that the medication could help me at this time in my life.
My grandmother had a wonderful saying. She always said: "Do not grasp at the shadow and lose the substance"
The last thing that I want to do is grasp the shadow (more sex) and lose the substance (him). My desire for him stems from my love for him.
I feel like I am in a catch 22. The last thing I'd ever want to do is make my H feel like he was disappointing me. He has always been a self-assured, confident man & that is the way I want him to stay.
When we were talking the other day he said the pills would be to expensive to take everyday and I said that I did not expect everyday but every weekend would be nice! I could see that distressed him somewhat but I do not ever expect him to take the pills if he has had a bad week or feels bad at the time. My concern is always for his health but in the past we would always show each other articles that we came across on evidence of people that had sex on a regular basis having better, longer, more fulfilling lives.
I do realize that sex is not the end all be all of existance. I noted on Corri's post about her H's former flame being a sexual dynamo but the relationship fell apart in spite of that. I would not trade my marriage today for a marriage with a sex manic. Marriage is more than great sex.
I have not been able to get him to understand that it is the physical closeness that I also crave. He has never been very demonstrative and I got my quota of hugs and kisses when we made love. It was so nice to be held and to feel his entire body laying next to mine.
Thanks for the post Honeypot. I am going to still try to have that level of T tested. I want his passion as well - I know I am greedy - I want it all.
I find it difficult to truly believe someone when they say they "understand" the sexual side of things, while, in the same breath, they are comparing sex to a "project." I don't care which planet you come from, if you can make this analogy (sex=project) then you don't understand the most basic ideas behind sex drives. Sex is not something we "do" it is something that is CORE to us.
I agree to a point, but a good prostitute understands the mechanics of good sex for a client (sex=project). She (or he) might even be good enough at it for the client to suspend disbelief for the moment. Unfortunately, when reality sets in, the client realizes it was just an act, even if the act stemmed from good will.
Sex without passion is an empty bowl of soup...
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
What I was trying to say was that she may indeed understand it, and understand the difference between its application as a result of desire/love or as a job.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm not sure if your post was in response to mine or not.
Quote: I find it difficult to truly believe someone when they say they "understand" the sexual side of things, while, in the same breath, they are comparing sex to a "project." I don't care which planet you come from, if you can make this analogy (sex=project) then you don't understand the most basic ideas behind sex drives. Sex is not something we "do" it is something that is CORE to us.
If so, do you realize you have completely dimissed and trivialized my feelings?
Sex, for you, isn't something you do, it is something that is the CORE to YOU. Well, the things that are important to me, my projects and such, come from the CORE of me and are as equally important TO ME as your feelings are to YOU.
I do not have to fathom or even completely understand what drives my HD husband. What I do need to do, however, is respect the fact that that is how HE feels, and do all that I can to honor that.
Conversely, it is my wish that, even though he may not understand what drives me, he respects it as being as valid as his own needs, and does all he can to honor those feelings.
If we get it right, then sometimes my needs will take priority, and sometimes his needs will take priority. If we work together, everyone CAN be happy. But it certainly will never happen if he continues to dismiss my feelings as inferior to his own, or not valid, or not as important as his own simply because he can't 'fathom' it.
I want preface this with the statement that I am as HD as anybody.
All R are about give and take, agreed? When we lose that balance is when troubles start. Finding a way to rebalance the R by openly saying what we need, being the S that our S needs, and negotiating where necessary will help the sitch. Pouting and "taking your ball and going home" will only temporarily solve the problem if at all. This weekend looked to be a crappy one at my house and I was ready to withdraw. After receiving good advice here, I went home and acted like an adult. Did things ever change. I feel very wanted today and my W feels loved and secure. It was some of the most positive time we have spent together in a long time. We were both thoughtful, appreciative and respectful. We both gave and we both took. It was awesome.
What we learned is that how you do or say something can be far more important than what is done or said. I am not trying to pretend to be a guru at this. Just wanted to pass along what worked for me.
If your project is not well received, would you consider yourself a failure as a wife? Would you feel completely rejected as a human being. Would you be willing to do ANYTHING to have a well received project. This is exactly how HD spouses feel EVERY time we get rejected for sex. In fact, it does not even require rejection. If the LD spouse does not initiate sex, the inaction of the LD spouse is the same thing as rejection. If I look at things in my life, I can not find ANYTHING that even compares to the wonders of having a lover. My career in comparison to having a lover is NOTHING. I can not think of anything in my life that is even remotely close to having a lover in importance.
I suppose if I continually experienced failure and frustration over a period of years, yeah, I'd say I'd feel exactly as you do.
What's the point of your post, CeMar? You have it worse? Your misery is far more acute and much deeper than mine? You think I have options, and you don't? What?
Like I have said to you before, if your self-worth and self-love is so dependent upon another person's actions/feelings, and that person's actions and feelings are making you miserable, you either need to make sure they HEAR you when you tell them they are hurting you, and if they don't care or can't change, then get the hell out for your own survival.
The main reasons you don't want to get out of your marriage is becuase you think you will have to turn over to your ex-wife most of your money/possessions, you think your wife will get full-custody of your kids, and you'll miss them, and you think you might be in some deep sh!t with the big JC over breaking your marriage vow.
Do you notice the common thread there? It's all about YOU. What you'd lose, what you'd miss, how hard it would be for YOU. So instead of going that route, you stay in your relationship, resenting the hell out of your wife because YOU don't want to, or can't find it in yourself, to communicate with your her... 'cuz YOU just don't do that, you're just not made that way, you just can't find it in you... you, you, you.
Well you must be really uncomfortable and miserable in that corner that YOU painted yourself into.
and my W feels loved and secure. It was some of the most positive time we have spent together in a long time. We were both thoughtful, appreciative and respectful. We both gave and we both took. It was awesome.