[quote=Tallula I just saw him as giving up without even trying. But, what I see now is that we both spent 6 months "telling" each other we were unhappy...without ever telling each other. So I had to start to wrap my brain around the fact that he did feel like he had tried. And that I didn't hear him. And that our versions of trying are different. Just because it doesn't look the way I think it should, doesn't invalidate his feels that he did try.
But I could listen, validate and go on about my life without agreeing to it or defending myself. This is been just as paramount to MY happiness has the loss of expecations.
[/quote] Wow, Tallula, that is one of those statements that just hit the spot. I have copied it to my file of comments to keep coming back to.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I talk to a coach tomorrow. I know the things I should do... Implementing them is much harder! I've not called or sent a text today. I just write in my journal what I would say. H has not called or text kids. not even D15(cp) which he usually does everyday. I have always encouraged the kids to spend time with their dad. I'll suggest movies, I'll have him take the kids to dinner so I can study.D15 would ask why don't I go. I would say, oh, I need to study...When H is at home ,I'll tell S16 off the computer, spend time with dad.
I don't know that I can say that he tried. He did come back home for 2 weeks. Maybe his version of trying but it wasn't 100%. He had contacted OW before coming home. Caught him in two too many lies. I want to lose the expectations. Hardest for me. I thought my H was a standup guy. I know he's human. I know he is sad. I wish he would get some help. He thinks the kids will be ok. Yes, they will, but I also think he has scarred them. I am the one at home being the parent. ok, enough about him. Got to stop doing this. Was reading someone's post about anger...jp I think...Need to get beyond it. Its no good.
Haven't decided about this weekend yet. on the one hand, nice for H to have time with kids. They will eat out all meals. He will sleep in our bed. On the other hand, I am allowing cake eating. He will leave town on sunday when I get back. Time with kids is at his convenience. He couldn't be with them last week because he had "other plans" I am also trying LRT. The kids won't stay at his apt. so that is not an option.
Whether you think he has tried & what percentage isn't the point. Focusing on that just fuels your anger, which is totally understandable.
Is it the kids who choose to not stay at his apartment? If so, that's not on you. Neither is him texting or not texting them. They & he are old enough to manage their own R & probably have their own feelings about what he is doing. Adinva has kids around yours ages, check out her threads!!
I was referring to going out of town. You should go! Him staying at your house isn't cake eating. Cake eating would be sleeping, living and acting like a wife while he has an affair. Having him stay at your house to watch the kids while you go out of town is not.
The main thing is to keep your anger from influencing your actions. Is this fair? No!! Is your H being a stand up guy? No! I Believe affairs are abusive. I wouldn't wish the pain I've gone through on my H. Well, there were many moments I did But I had to decide who I wanted to be in this. I have set firm boundaries with my H, and but for a few times, have treated him with love and respect. Even when he was not showing me any.
You can do this! It's so hard, and the price our children pay for our H's selfish behavior is maddening. But I know my kids are better off since I'm walking through this with as much compassion as I can.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Lies, Why do they lie? Why can't we call them out on those lies?? I have just asked at this point to be honest. I said I deserve that. H says he will and I do...
As for me. I am scrabbling to get my school stuff in. I have applied for a certificate program beginning in Aug. I have though to take a prerequisite. That class starts next week! Have to arrange childcare for D(special needs) she cant stay home alone. Both boys working.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Yes, really I do have compassion for H. How sad to not know what you want in life at 50. I know what I want. I know happiness. I want my H happy. I still love him so. Is it wrong to want him happy with us? H is confused is what I want to believe.
I want to tell H that I am not doing this D. He has said before why would I want him to do something he doesn't want to do(stay married) Well, He asking me to do something that I don't want-D. We will just have to stay separated for now. I want back in limbo! Perhaps I am hanging on because of my fears
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I wake up crying. Once my kids are up, They see me happy and busy... I don't say anything ugly about H. I may ask boys if they have heard from H... Today is a new day. I rely on God for help and comfort.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Ok, I am trying to get up to speed on your sitch, but you have so many threads and I don't really see too much of a history yet. I gather some from your sig, I'm going to ask a few questions.
What is your goal at this point?
What boundaries have you set in your R with H?
What are your 180s?
What are your GALS?
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
My Gals are easy, I'm taking classes(for med. assisting cert.) I do yoga at least 3x's a week. I have great friends that I get together with and laugh often. I volunteer and involved with kids schools. I enjoy that! Really I do the right things... See an IC,I pray, I'm healthy, I look good, I stay busy... My 180's are trying not to answer H smart aleck, trying to listen, not initiating conversations. I've set no boundaries with until recently. H can see the kids whenever. After he said he saw the attorney, I asked him to give us some space to process( I said leave us alone for a bit, wish I would have used the kinder version ie-space.) My goal is to H to communicate openly and honestly with me. I have asked him not to lie at this point. Maybe he thinks he's sparing my feelings. My goal has always been to provide a peaceful environment in our home when he is here with kids. I give him time with the kids...
I need to look how to link to my older posts. I know I messed up in the beginning starting too many threads...My other title was "confused", and before that "My H has left me and handicapped D." I am off to a C session, so I will check back on how to get the the others linked up later. Thanks Tallula for your imput!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Your GALS are great!! Those weren't hard for me, either. I've always had an active life.
Listening. Wow, this one was something I didn't realise I had trouble with, but I did. I started by repeating everything H said, instead of interupting or formulating what I was going to say to him. I listen alot not. Many times I don't even answer with anything about me, I think on it for awhile. Really truely listening to someone is a skill. One that I am still working on.
What is he lying to you about? When my H was still living here, he lied about staying over at OW's house and I found out. So I told him later I knew he had lied. He said he was trying to spare my feelings. Once I asked him to move out, it just wasn't my buisness anymore. He didn't owe me anything. I would ask him at drop off on sundays if he planned on seeing the kids during the week. He would answer. If he said no, I accepted it. Didn't ask questions. When he canceled I didn't ask questions. It was hard, but it became easy.
As far as him being in your home to spend time with the kids, if this is upsetting to you, as him to spend time with them away from the home. I know that once we really kept everything separate, I really became to truly detach from my H. His crazy mood swings no longer bothered me. Another stander puts it like this. WAS go 10 feet up and 10 feet down, LBS need to only go 5 feet up and 5 feet down. I barely inch anymore. It's amazing!!
I read alot of anger in your posts. Which, I understand. Which is normal. I can't remember who, but there was a suggestion here to use your anger as a shield, not a sword. I have done that. Anger is only hurting you. Resentment is normal. I'm not saying your have to forgive your H. I look at it as getting "Meh". I"m "meh" about my H's cheating.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Had my first coach session today. Felt positive afterwards. Busy day with school stuff, lunch with friends, d's speech therapy...a regular day. Kids haven't heard from H. d did text him tonight and said she missed him...he sent a text back.. see you Fri. I am going to go out of town on Fri as planned but will come back on Sat instead of Sun. H will stay at house with kids Fri night. I've got a busy day tomorrow which is good! Got my books ready to read for my 3 hr flight.
Now, time again for feedback...
H saw attorney and wants a collaborative D.I said I don't want it. H says he can't give me what I want. He says why should he do something that he doesn't want to do?( stay in the marriage) I say he is asking me to do something I don't want to do... So....I would like to ask H if we can just stay status quo- Separated. He can see the kids as usual. I think D is a big waste of time and money and solves nothing.... Advice??? PS.I did already say to him that if that is the way he feels, then I won't stand in his way. I didn't twist his arm to marry me, I can't twist his arm to stay, but it is not what I want.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
What would your H say if you just asked for "time"? If you told him you aren't ready yet, that you'd like 6 months (or whatever time frame) to think/accept/process/decide. You may both be in different "places" after some time has passed.
I don't think your H, or most of the WASs I've read about, can be "honest" right now. Not to themselves, and certainly not to their spouses. Kind of like expecting a fish to sing.
I hear, and feel, your anger and sense of betrayal. The overwhelming sense of "its not fair!". And you are so very right. This is all hurtful and very unfair. But that is just where we all are right now and one of the best ways to deal with this new unfair and hurtful reality is to accept it. Not agree with it, or like it, or give in to it, but accept that the rules of the game have been changed. Then decide if you still want to keep playing.
Your GAL's and 180's sound great! I'm glad you're getting a weekend away - and that your kids will get some "dad" time.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
and one of the best ways to deal with this new unfair and hurtful reality is to accept it. Not agree with it, or like it, or give in to it, but accept that the rules of the game have been changed. Then decide if you still want to keep playing.