round and around we go

[mizjjd]

I will add that this is not what the kids want either.

Ok, but this sounds a little like a guilt ploy/truth dart. A person not in crisis/transition would of course be touched by this. A WAS might not respond in the way you want - and it could lead to a blow up. Go with it if you feel you must, but ZERO expectations.

I will not ask about last night...

Very good!

I do somewhat feel like I should say that he has made his choice and he should leave us alone for a while.

Compare this ^^ to what's below...

I understand that's what you want. It's not what I want but I won't stand in your way. Then drop it and take your leave.

Your anger and hurt - and bitterness - show through your statement. I certainly understand WHY you hurt, and you certainly have a reason to hurt. But showing that to your H might not be the best idea.

And, keep the ball in your court. Instead of telling him to "leave you alone for a while" take the power and tell him "I'll be giving you your space. I'll only contact you in case of emergency."

You can do this WBW. You are stronger than you know.

[willbwell]

H has seen an attorney. I said I can't stop him but it is not what kids and I want. I did ask about last night. Said he was at apt .Makes me sad he couldn't hang out with kids. I have asked him to leave us alone for a while. Told him I need to process. Asked him to be honest. I deserve that. I remained calm. did not cry.

[willbwell]

watching a movie with the kids. nothing like escapism!

[willbwell]

my usual is sarcasm. I did none of that My usual is to rally all our friends and have them reach out to H. I have done none of that(lately) H is sad. I see it in his eyes. I did not ask the name of the attorney. I asked if he got a referral. He said just looked online. He wants a collaborative divorce. We have some finances...not a huge amount.
I need to get an app. with a coach.My head is swimming and I need to focus.
S 16 has exams this week. Will not say anything to kids until after exams...or do I have H tell them?

[labug]

There's really nothing new to tell your kids, is there? If there is, wait until you can do it calmly and with love. If they see you being out of control, they will feel out of control.

I know you are very sad right now, this is so difficult but you will get through it to whatever the final outcome is.

Don't rally your friends to reach out, this is his life.

((()))

[willbwell]

VENTING AHEAD...let me just get this out...

I know its his life. He will have to face his own stuff. But it comes at the expense of my 3 kids.
H says why would I want him to do something he does not want to do( stay in the marriage) I said he is asking us to do something we do not want(D) H is selfish, its true. I knew this about him when I married him. But, I loved him anyway and was happy to do all the kid & home stuff.
H decided to leave without giving us a chance. That is hurtful to me. Can't force him . I know.
I have asked H to give me and the kids some space now. He has demonstrated that he does not want to be part of their daily lives. texting is no replacement for being a parent.

I have a dilemma though. I was going to go out of town by myself this weekend. H was going to stay here at the house with kids. Sweet d has a dance recital on sat that H will take her to.
Now, I think I will cancel my out of town. I have asked him to give us space. Sorry but if doesn't want to be a part of daily lives then he doesn't get to do the fun stuff either. Is this being ugly &resentful on my part? He can come to the show. I can't stop him I do plenty of GAL. All of this has no impact on H. He doesn't care. He can't see past his own needs

thoughts???

[Tallula]

VENTING AHEAD...let me just get this out...

I know its his life. He will have to face his own stuff. But it comes at the expense of my 3 kids.
H says why would I want him to do something he does not want to do( stay in the marriage) I said he is asking us to do something we do not want(D) H is selfish, its true. I knew this about him when I married him. But, I loved him anyway and was happy to do all the kid & home stuff.
H decided to leave without giving us a chance. That is hurtful to me. Can't force him . I know.
I have asked H to give me and the kids some space now. He has demonstrated that he does not want to be part of their daily lives. texting is no replacement for being a parent.

When my H and I first separated, we had a set plan of visitation. Since I work PT, he gets them every weekend. He claimed he would be by all the time, after a month he saw them less and less. I always allowed them to be available.

I also NEVER said he was leaving US. He did not leave his kids, he left me. Yes, we are kind of a packet deal, but it is laying guilt on your H. My main goal through all of this was my kids. When I would get angry I focus on my kids. I will always have this man in my life. My kids love their dad. I will never do anything to ruin that R. He can ruin it, not me. I don't preach, I keep it open. I get anry, which trust me, when your H said he was too sick for an outing with your 4 year old and he is sobbing for an hour and you later find out it was to bang his OW...the second OW you didn't know about...yea, I get being angry. My H has no idea I know that. This was 3 months ago. I just have information. I don't react to it, until I am without emotion and feel strongly I need to. I have yet to feel the need to tell him I know this. How do I want to be? I stopped telling my kids they would see their dad until they saw the whites of his eyes.

I have a dilemma though. I was going to go out of town by myself this weekend. H was going to stay here at the house with kids. Sweet d has a dance recital on sat that H will take her to.
Now, I think I will cancel my out of town. I have asked him to give us space. Sorry but if doesn't want to be a part of daily lives then he doesn't get to do the fun stuff either. Is this being ugly &resentful on my part? He can come to the show. I can't stop him I do plenty of GAL. All of this has no impact on H. He doesn't care. He can't see past his own needs

thoughts???

You need space. Does your D want him there? I get being angry. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a 2 and 4 year old. I was exhausted. There was a month where my H saw them only a few days. But, I never yelled or raised an angry voice. I did say that they missed him. He was crazy, all over the place, emersed in his "life". His self pity. His whatever. I focused on me and my kids. Focus on your kids. Go out of town!! Enjoy it. My suggestion is to set up a visitation schedule with your D15. The other kids can manage their R with dad.

You are mind reading. You have no idea if this impacts your H. Vent here, journal, what have you. But with him, show a calm, happiness. Soon, it will be how you actually feel.

This stuff is so hard. But I just kept saying "I want to be able to coparent with him." He and I are separate from the kids. We have to be.

[Tallula]

"H decided to leave without giving us a chance."

I felt the same way. It was out of the blue!! I remember sobbing to my best friend "He isn't even trying, he is just DONE!!!" My H sprung on me that he was done, divorce....END!! I have a VM and text from him the day before

VM: "Hey, gorgous!! I was just thinking of your beautiful smile and thought I'd like to hear your sexy voice.

Text: You are the best wife, EVER!! Thanks for my lunch today, and the (ML) the night before.

But, I remember just going round and round with him for the 2 weeks until I found DB. I tried to push MC, date nights, whatever I could. I just saw him as giving up without even trying. But, what I see now is that we both spent 6 months "telling" each other we were unhappy...without ever telling each other. So I had to start to wrap my brain around the fact that he did feel like he had tried. And that I didn't hear him. And that our versions of trying are different. Just because it doesn't look the way I think it should, doesn't invalidate his feels that he did try.

That mental shift was and has been huge for me. His feelings aren't fact, nor are mine. They just are. His feelings that I was a terrible wife didn't make it so. But I could listen, validate and go on about my life without agreeing to it or defending myself. This is been just as paramount to MY happiness has the loss of expecations.

[willbwell]

I talk to a coach tomorrow. I know the things I should do... Implementing them is much harder!
I've not called or sent a text today. I just write in my journal what I would say. H has not called or text kids. not even D15(cp) which he usually does everyday. I have always encouraged the kids to spend time with their dad. I'll suggest movies, I'll have him take the kids to dinner so I can study.D15 would ask why don't I go. I would say, oh, I need to study...When H is at home ,I'll tell S16 off the computer, spend time with dad.

I don't know that I can say that he tried. He did come back home for 2 weeks. Maybe his version of trying but it wasn't 100%. He had contacted OW before coming home. Caught him in two too many lies.
I want to lose the expectations. Hardest for me. I thought my H was a standup guy. I know he's human. I know he is sad. I wish he would get some help.
He thinks the kids will be ok. Yes, they will, but I also think he has scarred them. I am the one at home being the parent.
ok, enough about him. Got to stop doing this. Was reading someone's post about anger...jp I think...Need to get beyond it. Its no good.

Haven't decided about this weekend yet. on the one hand, nice for H to have time with kids. They will eat out all meals. He will sleep in our bed. On the other hand, I am allowing cake eating. He will leave town on sunday when I get back. Time with kids is at his convenience. He couldn't be with them last week because he had "other plans" I am also trying LRT. The kids won't stay at his apt. so that is not an option.

[willbwell]

we've had no set visitation schedule. He travels a lot for his job. He will see them on weekend when he is in town. however, its usually lunch or a sports thing. Never just hang out time...