Hi guys, I haven't been able to read or post in a few days. It has been a rollercoaster here. I need some feedback please.
I've told ya'll that my H has Crohn's and it has changed the sex dymamics of our relationship over the past several years. It used to be great and now is not.
I had to work 3 hours away from home Wednesday and he had a Dr. appointment and I met him at the Dr. that afternoon. He is doing ok and they decided to not take Prednisone anymore. I had shopped with him the weekend before and he purchased a Medium size shirt where he had always wore a large size shirt. I told his dr. that I was concerned about him "shrinking". (If it wasn't me I would be LOL but it isn't that funny when its me!)
I told the Dr. that I had read that Testosterone levels could cause a man to lose strength and size and that I was concerned for his health. Bless my H's little heart he took it from there and ask the Dr. about sexual side effects of the Rx's he takes and for Crohn's patients in general. The dr. said of course that was a natural part of Crohns and aging. My H just turned 49 so he certainly isn't old. Anyway the dr. suggested he try a new drug that is like Viagra - it starts with a C and I saw it advertised on TV today - just can't remember the name right now. He wrote out a Rx for it. We traveled back to our hometown in seperate vehicles because I had been at work so we did not discuss this right away.
We stopped at a restaurant and he said that he was doing this for me and to have the Rx filled the next day (that disturbs me kinda - shouldn't it be for him too?.
I filled the Rx the next day on Thursday. When he got home we were actually alone - both of our younger children were still at school for basketball games that we were about to go to. I showed him the RX and he said that it was too much money (not covered by insurance)and that we would not be filling that again!
I was stunned. I know that I am super sensitive to stuff like this but I was none too happy when he said that! I don't remember everything that was said - not too much at that moment - but I said a few minutes later that it was very important to me and didn't seem to be to him and he got quiet annoyed and said "here we go again with that cr*p."
I just shut up then. I was ready to boil over and thought to myself "Reel in Sister!"
He came in the kitchen a little later and then asked me "what do I do with this Rx? How do I take it?"
He usually does that after he sees that he has given me the reds - acts like nothing was said or happened.
I said, "Figure it out for yourself. I don't care at this point. I am sick to death of worrying about this, being pissed off over this, begging for you to make love to me - heck, I don't care if we ever have sex again - we will both be like neutered cats up in this house!"
I kinda went over the deep end and I was pretty upset. He said he was just kidding with me and he was the one that asked the Dr. for it and called to ask if I had filled the Rx. I told him that I have known him for years I that he didn't seem to be teasing and I didn't think it was too funny - there was nothing funny about it to me.
We went to our daughters game and talked on the way there. He said that I needed to cut him some slack that he did not choose to be this way. I told him that I did cut him lots of slack but I didn't feel like he was cutting me slack on something he knows I am very sensitive about.
When we went to the next game he did tease me about it in a way that I KNEW he was teasing - such as he had never paid for it before and now he was having to pay for it and we teased about it.
We didn't discuss when he would take the medication but Friday night he said he was taking it. I had traveled 3 hours away that day too and was kinda tired after driving for 6 hours and working that day.
This Rx is supposed to be effective for 36 hours. Saturday morning he woke me up to ML. We ML 3 times Saturday and once Sunday morning. The sex was techically good - it almost always is - but it seems/feels to me that while he said it was great - it is not real passion like I used to get from him.
It didn't really feel like duty sex but like he was doing it just for me - not something he was doing for himself.
Does that make sense to ya'll? Sunday morning he said "Is sex all you think about?" I told him I still felt like I was 20 years old and my sex drive had not changed.
How can I explain this to ya'll? I guess the difference was when HE felt passion for me I knew it. He couldn't keep his hands off of me before - now we ML but I felt like he was doing it for me - not for the sheer pleasure of ML. I do know that he enjoyed it - I made sure that I did all of the things that I know that HE likes but I just felt like his heart wasn't in it.
I didn't get the feeling that he thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread and that he wanted to run out and get a 1000 of those little yellow pills. (I did!)
I know I must sound like a witch - that is the last thing I want to be. I miss the passion that we used to share - I miss the sexual games and tension that used to be between us.
I enjoyed ML to him and let him know. I told my son yesterday in front of his father that I was having a GREAT day and that nothing could upset me Saturday. I later told him that I felt like we were on our honeymoon. I tried to say and do all the things I could to let him know how much I love him and appreciate his willingness to try this Rx.
I guess I am afraid that he will not want to repeat this weekend. There are 4 more little yellow pills in the bottle but I will not ask him to take them.
When we had the angry words last Thursday I later told him after we had calmed down that if he did not want to take thim that I would understand. I left that up to him and I will not ask him about it.
I guess my point is that you can take the Rx and get the physical response that it is designed to do but if the passion is not there there is an important element missing. I think that is where the testosterone comes it. I want him to WANT me like I want him - like he used to want me. The "I can't wait to get you alone" kind of want me.
If I could give him an Rx that would bring back the passion I would give any amount of money for that.
Poe, help me out here. Am I expecting too much too soon?
