I think the best any of us can do is, as P4L said, have no expectations. Don't think that holding your hand means what it once did.
Use this time to really define who you want to be, not so much as a wife and mother but just you, the rest will fall into place.
There is nothing you can do or say or not do or say that will make him OK with this. He has to come to that on his own. He might, he might not but you will still have you. The new and improved you, who knows her worth.
Take care.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not sure what initiated the hand holding? It was late, we had been watching sports & it came so spontaneously. I did have the feeling that if I would've been more into it & leaned into his body & got closer he would've ML to me. That's what's happened in the past. I didn't do that though, so we just held hands.
I'm not sure that him ML to me right now is actually ML or just him satisfying a need? So I did not pursue. This is where the mind reading comes in...if the WAS is actually "done" like they say how often do they continue to have s e x with the LBS? Hs 5LL is without a doubt touch. It confuses me.
Today has been better than yesterday. I just don't know?
We've got a busy week ahead of us. I'm hoping that helps with my wandering mind.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
For some people sex is sex. For others sex is tied to emotion, love. There are all sorts of opinions around her on having sex after BD so it depends on how you feel about it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And just another thought, if he's having sex with OW, how safe do you feel it is to have sex with him? You're pregnant the last hing you need right now is an STD. Protect yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're correct bug. Now that I'm pregnant I have even more to think about. I have been tested for STDs, although that was just before I found out I was pregnant.
Having sex with him up until this point has been a very common topic in IC since BD. I know that these boards are split in opinion.
While I use to think sex for H was emotional now I'm not so sure? It's one of those things I can't grasp. I've thought about asking him, but that is going to get me nowhere. No matter the answer, I'll never know if it's the truth or not.
I've also been wondering if this affair has become an addiction? I'm sure that to some degree it is, but how deep is it?
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
For me... after last Sunday happened with my W, I began to wonder if I made a mistake or not by ML. But then I landed on the conclusion that regardless of the reasons you begin, physical intimacy naturally creates a bond. (It was a bond that the AP hand the upper hand on since my W had halted our intimacy to "protect me" as she put it.) So I am glad that we did. It had become the elephant in the room since we had not done so for so long. I think afterward we were both happy to have been together and felt reassured that we still had that connection after all this time.
It could easily have gone the other way though. We could have been apart physically for so long that we could have been unable to connect anymore. I wouldn't want that for you and your H either.
I think bug is right though. You do need to protect yourself.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I slept with my H until he moved out. I used protection. For me, it was what I did. I enjoy it, and it wasn't causing me emotion turmoil until it was. Then, I stopped and just said to my H that I'm not in an open marriage.
It's for each individual to decide. My H and I went out on a date saturday night and it was hard for me at one point to hold off. I'm pretty high drive normal, but preggo I'm super charged...hehehe. But I held back, and surprisingly he didn't try it. He kept trying for the first 2 months of separation until I went NC.
Bottom line, the main person to focus on what it means...is you. If it's going to mess you up, don't do it. If you have an expecation attached, don't do it!
Use protection if you do!! My H was totally understanding when I was like "I'm cool with sex, but you need to wrap it up bud." I thought he'd be offended, but I mean, hello?! No elephant in this room.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
H & I have had to communicate our Ds schedule. I am having to work late & H didn't want to pick up the girls to take them to church camp. He has no excuse to not be able to. He simply just does not want to do it. He finally agreed, but is leaving them at daycare until he absolutely has to pick them up in time to drop them at church. This hurts me for some reason?
I think I'm to the point that I just want him to leave the house & let us be. I do not want to be the one to tell him to go. I want him to go if he cannot be the dad he says he is being while living at our house as a married couple. He doesn't see how he is acting with our daughters on a day to day basis. There is no way I can explain it to him either. He's so shut off & not rational.
Would it be bad to ask him if he's thought anymore about his "decision" & if he's still planning on leaving? Since BD I have not been the one to initiate any of these talks & don't know if I should start? It's confusing, I want there to be some sort of closure, but I don't want him gone really either? I know that contradicts what I said above. I guess I'm just having a hard time today & just want closure to something, anything.
Days like today is when I get frustrated & start wanting to send that letter to OW. I know it won't help & I won't do it, but geez I want to.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Don't ask him anything, yet. Really take some time to think about what is bothering you. What you need peace on. Never have discussings when emotional. Just journal. Do you have an expectation from asking him? A hope of a certain answer? Do you want him gone?
What are the 180s you have implemented. What are your GAL activities?
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I don't know what my expectation is? My hope is that he would actually open up & tell me his "plan". I don't even really know if I want him to leave? I go back & forth. I don't want him being numb to everything while he is home. He states he is still here for the girls, but his interactions with them are lackluster. I guess I just want the feeling of it to be more peaceful. I know that's a lot to ask for considering the situation. So, yes I want him here & I want him gone. I'm confused.
Next week I'll hit the 12 week mark with the pregnancy & feel like I'm ready to start telling people. This has been eating up my thoughts as well. If I do start telling people I think I will sit H down & let him know. I'm not saying I'm going to start calling all our friends & family & announcing, but just telling them as I see them. H will get calls & texts after that. I'm curious how he would/will react to people when they start congratulating him since they don't know our situation.
My 180s are not to pursue, not text or force communication throughout the day, spend time in different rooms in the evening, not say I love you. Those are come to the top of my head.
GALs have been excercising, reading, meeting up with friends more often. Doing more just mom & daughter activities.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
