If anybody out there is reading this, I sure could use your help.
I feel like I've suddenly backslid all the way to the day after the BD. I feel like a trembling little wreck of a man. I know why: Our anniversary is coming up in less than two weeks and the settlement portion is about to begin. I was hoping it would never come to this phase.
I know I can't talk to her, but I feel like there's so much I want to say to her. We never talked face-to-face after she left, she refused to see me. I keep thinking about all the things she said on the phone and email and how there were things she said that made it seem not entirely hopeless.
My therapist things the TRO was her way of making sure we couldn't reconcile. She can be stubborn, prideful, and hold a grudge, and I wonder if that is part of it or if I am really that awful.
There's so much I wish I knew: What was the last straw? Was there someone else? Why doesn't she want to work on it? Does she truly hate me?
I had a health scare a few weeks before she left where they found some (benign) polyps. I remember how she relieved she was. I assumed then it was because she cared, now I think it is because she might have felt obligated to stay around if it had been something else.
I know intellectually that none of this matters, but still... It bothers me. It hurts that none of my in-laws have reached out to me at all. It hurts that she lied about us, that she lied about me, that she made it so we can't talk.
I know she is going to think my settlement offer is my way of being vengeful, but it's really not. It's just fair. And I think it will only make her resent me more.
I'm trying to GAL, but I keep facing rejection after rejection in my job search and it is really making me feel worthless.
Can anybody out there spare some advice or a kind word?
