Wow, NOP, you know how to throw out the tough questions, don't you?
I find your empathy and your compassion for your W's struggles to be astoundingly touching. I'm sure the immediate thought that may come to your mind is, 'yeah, I feel these things for her, but it's not getting ME anywhere.'
If my H were to say something like that to me (which he has), I would tell him how wonderful that made me feel, and then he would respond to me like the above sentence. It kind of takes the 'wonderful' out of things, but I have to recognize that that is just him.
I don't know how one generates passion where none exists. It's not like I'm not 'passionate' about sex, but I wouldn't ever say I'm as passionate about it as my H, and I seriously doubt I ever will be. Conversely, he is not nearly as passionate about my projects as I am, and I doubt he ever will be. Does that hurt? It can, if I let it. Or, I can respect the fact that he just isn't passionate about some of the things I am, and let that be okay.
He once asked me why I couldn't be as passionate about him as I am about my work and research projects. I asked him why he couldn't be as passionate in his interest of my projects as he is about sex.
You can see where this could very quickly degrade into a 'what came first, the chicken or the egg' fight.
Last night, he got really mad at me because I didn't cook dinner, and I had asked him to pick something up for he and the boys. I had a project I had to finish up for a client. He said 'we eat out too much,' (which I think is debatable) and that it was MY JOB to cook him dinner.
That made me so sad. Whether I think it's my job or not, the demand, and him placing that JOB on me robs me of any passion I might have for the deed for him, if I allow it.
He has said to me before that he can't even 'say the things I want to say to you, in the manner I want to say them, or it blows up in my face.' I say to him, that he can say whaterver it is he wants to say, whenever he wants to say it, but that doesn't mean he's going to get the response he wants.
It's like what Michele said on LDWife's thread about real giving. Real giving is not giving to someone what WE like to receive, real giving is finding it within ourselves to give to the other person what THEY like to receive. The above scenarios fit into my H giving to me what HE likes to receive, and I think it's pretty obvious why it doesn't get him anywhere. I do that as well, so I'm not heaping the blame all on his head.
My point in all of this is, I think the challenge to good relationships is ALWAYS paying attention. And both parties must do it, or at least always do the best they can.
In your wife's case, I think she is trying the best she can. If it isn't enough for you, I'm not sure what to say. I wonder if there are other things that she does for you that no one else on the planet could do like her... and she just does them so well, you don't even think to notice. And I'm wondering if you left to find the perfect sexual mate, if those little things your wife used to do for you would all of a sudden take on much more significant meaning... but you just wouldn't miss them until they were gone.
Lord knows I've spent enough time here to get a handle on understanding the HD person, and I think I'm getting there. I understand to the extent that I am able, all that you say. My heart truly goes out to you because I've watched you in this struggle for some time. I wish I had an answer for you, NOPkins.
Maybe some day if you find a passion for your wife's efforts that is equal to your passion for sex, you might find your answer. I don't say that as a criticism, but just as a goal that I try to aspire to as well. I find that when I get passionate about my H's efforts to show me his love in the ways he knows how, in the most gracious and loving manner I can, the rest tends to take care of itself. And THAT's what I am working so hard to get better at.
