Lost and confused part3

[MrCAS]

The feeling/Thought is as of today I have not told anyone where I am going to stay. All I have said is that i do not have a place to go yet.just hard to find a place that will take a dog. But I feel like i do not want anyone to know my location. I even feel like changing my phone number. this way everyone will say where did I go? maybe make her think more.

Maybe. But think more about what you need to do first.


Is that stupid or what?

Nope. I get the reasoning behind it.


I just do not want to loss the contact i do have with my stepdaughter. she even calls me her stepdad. She has come a long way and she has been relying on me for someone to talk to to help help her everything.

This is a good thing. The SD needs some stability in her life.


But i still want to or feel like just making it look like i dropped off the face of the earth.

I get the reasoning. I just wouldn't do it. There are people who do need to get in touch. Too much hassle letting everyone know.

Don't get a new phone to to start calling or texting your W, either. Very pushy and sneaky to me.


I will be staying at my dads for a while and it is on the other side of the river.

Would that be Vestal? Just curious...


meaning a place she would not even look and away from her for me not to run in to her as often. But I am looking to buy a house now and it will be in the area of where she was is whatever. i like this area a lot and the houses are priced nice..

Buy a place that works for you. That suits your needs and wants.

[lostforever]

sharing here.

today again i wake up feeling like crap like what did God let this heppen. When I asked for someone to come into my life he sent her then he rips her away from me. why Hi ate this hate what he has done. My life is all f'ed up and really think about it. i sit here in this shell of a house for the last few days with nothing here but TV and chouch to sleep on. I feel like she is out there doing something with her new gay GF when she should be with me. I do not get it I do not understand. I hate all there is about life and truly feel there is nothing to live for. all the people i once new and the new few friends i made i am lossing as i have to move out of the area.

Will W realy ever come back. I believe in God and his word but what does it say and why is it so long. I know im not in control and that would be part of my problem. but W mom was at the house cleaning and we talked and she told me that she does want a divoce and the car one problem it being in both names. She also told me the W said i told her i do not want the divoce and will not sign it. I never said anything to her about that. I did say that i did not want the divorce and if she wanted it she would have to file not me and the car needs to get out of my name. so maybe she is waiting till she can get the car out of my name.

w mom told me that maybe i should tell her we need to talk and talk about divoce. She said this because she wants me to be happy but that will not make me happy. she said that she does not get her daughter and talking about divoce is not for my W good but mine. I have everyone one telling me i should get the divorce and but all i want is nothing but a 2nd chance. I know that God will give or can give a 2nd chance. I know every one here has been suportive and honest with me and even very blunt. I need that so please do not stop.

What im strugleing with is what everyone is telling me and what i want . I ask God to help be to listen and to hear what he is saying to the prayers everyone and pray. but i get conflicting messages. Im so f'ed up in my head. it is supose to be happy times i want to do so many things and share them with my W. I alos am very lonly at this point and have to be honest here and hope im not the only one here that feels or felt this way. I just want some sex. but i do not want to go against my voiews and what God says.

I could go one but i will not for now. How the hell do i get out of this. I just have so much negative things happening all around me in my life and i do not think i can take any more. im going to really really loss it big time. any ideas cause i cant see any hope in anything. maybe it is because i'm in the middle of it.

PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE A WAY OUT. I love the W but will she ever even think about a 2nd chance if she realy does like girls and not men now.

[MrCAS]

Do not blame God for what has happened. You have to remember that the greatest gift that He gave us is freewill. Unfortunately that gift also give the enemy a foot in the door if we allow it. Your W has chosen a path that unfortunately is not the same as yours.

You are going to find that it really does not matter what you think, her mother thinks, or what anyone thinks in regards to your W. She is blazing her own trail right now and nothing is going to stop her.

You need to stop these desperate thoughts. I have been there. I know how they made me feel. Reading "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey changed my life because it shows a different way of thinking.

Right now it appears that you are still thinking reactively instead of proactively. You are still trying to control the way things are going. You need to stop. Letting go does not mean you have to stop loving your W or working towards an end that you wNt. It means letting go of the control that you do not have.

Acting like a whipped little puppy is not going to work. It is unattractive. If it unappealing to me I can only imagine what it looks like to her. Remember one of the big tenents of DB is... Be a man that only a fool would want to leave. You are not there.

No one has the secret answer except you. You are looking for a shortcut that does not exist. We can only help you if you help yourself.

[lostforever]

See I am trying to help myself but in some things I just dont know how to. The changing of the thoughts sometimes im ok sometimes im not. I think you are correct that I am looking for the short cut and I know it does not happen. But I also know the power of God and The free will.

The bigest thing here and why i think I am stuck and always thinking about my W is I feel that if i dont continue to try then there really is not chance. But I know in my head but my heart says to try.

the other is this moving out not by my choice is hard. i have come so far and now im going back to my dads. I truly fear more than anyone knows that i will get worse there and just not look for a place. But only God know this. I also feel that I will now be starting all over again. the few i have meet over here on this side of the Hudson river i will loss contact with. Also not having the W family stop by from time to time will hurt. It is like life is changing all around me. I can tell you I have been in this spot before but only from drug use. im 27 years clean so I know i can do this with Gods help it is just Im for some reason stuck. and worried.

I know i keep saying down things but that seems like all i have. I will look for the book and read it. I also just have such an unbelief that this has happen to me. the one that would not stop saying how much she loves me and now nothing. but i guess this is why im seeing 2 therapists on close to home and the DB coach. i need to stop worrying about am i doing the correct thing for the end means of having W come back. maybe see 2 theropists is not a good thing some times i get 2 diff sets of things to do. it is just DB is getting hard to pay for. but i need that hope. but DB also said she does not know what to do so just no contact at this point. that's what im working on.

I just get so lonely for the Girls touch

[MrCAS]

But I also know the power of God and The free will.

So step back and let him do His thing.


The bigest thing here and why i think I am stuck and always thinking about my W is I feel that if i dont continue to try then there really is not chance. But I know in my head but my heart says to try.

Letting go and moving on are not the same thing. This is where you have to learn the difference.


the other is this moving out not by my choice is hard. i have come so far and now im going back to my dads. I truly fear more than anyone knows that i will get worse there and just not look for a place. But only God know this.

If you let things get to you they will. If you let things get to you they will.


I also feel that I will now be starting all over again. the few i have meet over here on this side of the Hudson river i will loss contact with. Also not having the W family stop by from time to time will hurt. It is like life is changing all around me. I can tell you I have been in this spot before but only from drug use. im 27 years clean so I know i can do this with Gods help it is just Im for some reason stuck. and worried.

There are worse things than starting over. There is no reason you can't visit with your friends. What will stop family from stopping by? WTG on the 27 years clean. That is an incredible accomplishment.


I know i keep saying down things but that seems like all i have. I will look for the book and read it. I also just have such an unbelief that this has happen to me.

Read the book. Thoroughly. You must change your thought patterns. You have to change your perspective.


the one that would not stop saying how much she loves me and now nothing.

All our spouses said the same thing. You are not in an exclusive club.


but i guess this is why im seeing 2 therapists on close to home and the DB coach. i need to stop worrying about am i doing the correct thing for the end means of having W come back. maybe see 2 theropists is not a good thing some times i get 2 diff sets of things to do. it is just DB is getting hard to pay for. but i need that hope. but DB also said she does not know what to do so just no contact at this point. that's what im working on.

Two therapists can be confusing. I will tell you what I was told here... work on yourself before you work on your M. Until you are okay with you it doesn't matter about your M.


I just get so lonely for the Girls touch

I understand that feeling. I miss my W sleeping next to me, too.

[jp787]

LF -

First please keep coming here to vent, get it out and whatever you need to keep your sanity.

Second - I was going to make this #1, yet I want you to keep coming here to have an outlet

I want you to go to a mirror, find one somewhere.

Don't look at it yet, just stand there and relax you body, breathe in and out, deep breaths.

Now look up into the mirror, look into the eyes of that man in the mirror.

If you start to judge or have negative thoughts, stop them. Focus on his eyes and clear your head.

Once you do this, say out loud "I am worth it" or "I am OK", whatever feels right for you, as long as it is positive and about only you.

Then say one thing that you will do for you that does not have anything to do with your W or M.

Do this as much as you need as often as you need and follow through with that one thing that is just for you.


There are a hundred different things you can try and by all means try as many as you want to find your path, but until you try something for yourself, try this for me.

Please come back and tell me what that one thing is that you will do for you.

I'll be here.

[AnotherStander]

like what did God let this heppen. When I asked for someone to come into my life he sent her then he rips her away from me. why Hi ate this hate what he has done.

If you have children, I'm sure you want nothing but the best for them. But bad things do happen to them, and they may even blame you for those things sometimes. And when they blame you, you don't argue with them; you know the situation was of their own making but you also know that if you try to tell them that it's just going to make them angry. So you hold your tongue and you let them work these things out, and you see them grow and mature because of it. You hold back because it's what's best for them, even though it's painful to watch sometimes.

THAT is how I see my relationship with God. He doesn't want me to suffer, but sometimes I have to in order to grow. And even though I may blame him sometimes, in the end I come to realize it was MY actions that put me in my sitch, not HIS. And if he bailed me out of all of the problems I create, I'd never learn any lessons.

i sit here in this shell of a house for the last few days with nothing here but TV and chouch to sleep on. I feel like she is out there doing something with her new gay GF when she should be with me. I do not get it I do not understand. I hate all there is about life and truly feel there is nothing to live for.

Why would she want to go back to a depressed guy sitting on a couch watching TV? I know you're hurting, we've all been right there with you. You're at a crossroads, you can continue on in misery or you can get out, get a life, start finding happiness and contentment again, and become the spouse only a fool would leave. It's NOT easy and I'm not saying it is. But I was right there where you are- weak, ready to die, thinking there was no point in going on. And today I am happier and more confident and satisfied than I've been in many, many years; since well before BD. And I'm at this point even though my W is filing for D. You will get here too, just give yourself time and drag yourself out of the house even though you don't want to leave.

I believe in God and his word but what does it say and why is it so long.

The Bible says what each of us needs it to say. It's a totally different message for each person who reads it. Don't worry about the length, it's not a novel that you sit down and read cover-to-cover. Just pick it up and start reading wherever you want. Let it speak to you.

What im strugleing with is what everyone is telling me and what i want .

You're struggling because right now you think what you want is your W home. But what you REALLY want is to be content in life, and you don't NEED your W for that. You might WANT her, but you don't NEED her. In time you will come to realize this, that you CAN be happy in life whether with or without her. That's your goal, to get to that point.

I could go one but i will not for now. How the hell do i get out of this.

Get out. GAL. Start small, walks around the neighborhood or going to a local park. At first your mind will still be consumed with W, but just keep doing it and little by little you become more interested in GAL stuff than in fretting over your W. Do things to make you feel better about yourself- get in shape, whiten your teeth, get some new clothes, etc. Reestablish old friendships and make new ones. Dust off old hobbies and start new ones. DON'T make excuses. DO get out of the house and do something, anything.

[jp787]

Hey Lost who are you today?

[lostforever]

I'm working now but i am ok.

I am just trying like H#$% to keep my head mind off of W. I do not feel happy but today seems to be OK.. But i am still sad and depressed but im trying.

It is just hard but i try to keep moving forward just cant seem to get that happy feeling i once had when W was around. I know just before she walked out on me it was not a bed of roses but it was ok as i thought we could still work on things. now it seems like there is not a darn thing that can be done to help me and W to even talk. so trying to step back and let God work on her. Problem is I just cant stop thinking about her and there has to be something (I) can do...

Well i did call DB and I am going to try a new coach... I love the one i was with but it seems like she is at a loss. and i got the feeling she is a Godly person. I worry that this new one will just come to same conclusion. I just hurt like i know everyone here has or is. I just still feel like i want to drop off the face of the earth but not sure what to do about it..

I love my W and I know or feel in my heart that things can work out if just given a chance. But as long as she is living the life she is with an other Girl how can i get her to stop that. I know that this girl is one that may have convinced her to try this. she has never had any signs of this act before

[jp787]

Best thing I know to tell you is to GAL and work on you.

Somehow you have to let go of your W and work on you.

I know it is hard, trust me.

If you keep focused on your W you will remain stuck and hurting and the chances for R will be less.

I understand it is hard and feels wrong, yet it is what needs to happen for you to be OK and have any chance of a new future with your W.