Unless your wife brings them up and the practical/financial issues (such as buying her out of the house etc) need to be resolved asap, I recommend that you do not raise them.
I completely understand the urge to do this but (a) it is pressing for certainty on practical matters that are less important than the central M issue. Presumably the motivation is that it will lead to favourable response on the central M issue, which is unlikely at this point (b) uncertainty and time are your friends at this point. Indeed, it may be that embracing more uncertainty is a 180 for you. It is certainly for me. I am finding that if I can sit with my uncertainty & think about it, rather than deny it or fight it, I can learn more about what I really want and myself. Further, if I take that approach, it changes how and what I communicate to my WAW about. One of the major difficulties we had was too much time focussing on financial/practical goals to the exclusion of personal/relationship goals.
On accepting uncertainty, I found the following inspiring:
“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
In relation to your sons, first, I would suggest that you resist imputing negative motivations to your WAW. Remember she is having a very hard time too. She says she is thinking about their best interests. I would have faith and believe that. Why second-guess it? Why be negative about her? Don’t let fear or panic control you, and try your best to be objective about their needs. Perhaps you could say something like “I know you want the best for our sons, and I think you are a great mother, so I was wondering if [insert idea that is actually better for them]”
At present, I only see my daughter for the weekend every fortnight. It is far less than I would like but (i) I know my wife is doing what she thinks is best in the circumstances (ii) after much reflection of my own, I think she’s correct. In my situation, my wife is currently living with her parents over 2 hours drive away. Neither of us wants our baby daughter to ensure too much driving & we want some flexibility in our weekends, and my job means I’ve to hang by a computer a lot so I wouldn’t make for a great dad during the week. I’m certain we could arrange exceptions where I might want to see her more (such as my birthday). My wife does intend to move to the city I live when she has means, and employment – which she is working on.
Me putting pressure on this situation, even though it is hard for me, wouldn’t help my daughter, my wife, our M or me. Patience & persistence for the long haul – nobody said it would be easy.
