And I just keep going...

[25yearsmlc]

Wow KG....wow,

what a month YOU have had!

A few comments. Seems your h may have a new OW. I LOVE THAT and hope you can appreciate it for what it is.

Let him have all the crushes he wants to have...NOT YOUR problem....soooo not yours.

Besides, it'll mean that maybe OW#1 isn't so perfect (as opposed to how horrible YOU always were--or so HE says)

and maybe all isn't perfect in paradise...(gee, it's like it takes TWO to make a r work or something...)

Your h left a pregnant wife. In our society, as "flexible" as we like to be, most of us think that's pretty damn crappy. Absent physical abuse (in which case HE ought to have taken the kids)

it's just not alright. At some level somewhere in his world, he has gotten that message, which means he's NOT a great guy...not so much...

so he must vilify you to justify HIM...and so he will.

Release all expectations of his opinion of you overtly improving for that reflects poorly on HIS choices, so

he has every incentive to vilify you and interpret ALL you do or say as negatively as possible.

You cannot "win" by being perfect b/c then he'd be "wrong"...

Even if you gave him every single thing he wanted, HE would STILL need to criticize you b/c he left!!

So there's no point in conceding things to him you don't believe in. You can't win anyhow

though in time

when he is free to be with OW#1,

or OW# 2 or 3 or 73,

and you are calm and serene in your new life, HE WILL WONDER and then maybe his pride

will keep him from looking too closely (and God knows he'll never admit it to YOU)

but yes I do believe he'll regret leaving --certainly the way he left---and you will have done the only thing you can do

your best to become your best. Fight for your rights and interests that matter

and do not second guess yourself so much.

You gave into anger with OW#2 and

though I hope you won't again b/c it's crucial to contrast his image of you (ie his vilifications)

with the real you...I know why.

But wouldn't it be so great to be the "Good witch" of the North instead of him being able to say '

"See? I told you she is so angry/jealous/rude"....I don't mean to rub it in your face b/c frankly, HE has no boundaries and so you should not be surprised.

(You may want to say you "get why he doesn't see anything wrong with his choices...never has...never will, why bother discussing it?" and get off the phone)

But let go of the idea that he will admit anything good about you for now.

He cannot. He has placed you in an adversarial position and he is in NO position to judge your choices.

When he brings up "deceit' on your end, you have to ask him if he's kidding, does he hear himself, does he lack ALL insight or self awareness?

Does he tell HIS family THE TRUTH about everything about the finances,

and how he left you and how he treats you and wants to pay you nothing, and what about the OWs?? Hmmm, what's that? He does NOT tell them the whole story? Oh wait, he has ONE sister who "supported" his new R...what happened to all the others? Did you work your magic spell and blind them too??

In other words if all these people who KNOW YOU and know what he's doing and know him too, are not so happy with his choices

gee, maybe, a tiny little part of him is NOT the greatest perfect guy and maybe you are not the totally evil w he left?


Just shake your head when he goes off, b/c he is one man in steep prideful denial.

The good news is that you are regaining control of your future.

No small feat...


I still say you were right about custody and I hope you'll keep putting the kids needs ahead of your fear of angering him.

remember KG, even if you give him everything he wants --it will NOT make him think more of you. It can't.

You must be the bad guy in this, to him, OR HE IS...and he cannot imagine taking on any responsibility for the divorce.

Hate to nag but I hope you are not covering for him with his family anymore. I know you don't want to be the messenger of bad news and you don't want more of your h's temper and anger,

but you still have to do right by the kids. At least don't mislead for him...too much crazy deceit as it is.


If you know in your heart that if you are truly setting aside your pride & anger (and I now trust that you usually do know)

and you are putting the kids first, then you have to leave the results up to God...

then whatever your h believes about your motives, so wrapped in his shame--really deep down shame he's probably not even conscious of---

just cannot matter anymore....

Besides, I think if you really do cast your pride and anger aside to do right by the kids, and turn all that over to God, it'll improve your R with him anyhow.

If not, so be it, You did your best and that is all anyone can do.

I know you got a lousy hand, but you have to play it as well as possible. Don't fold if you can still play it. Know what I mean?

If your L says you are acting against your interests, STOP & LISTEN....

or you'll be acting out of emotion and fear/shame, not with your head in the right place.

Get your head straight and then make your choices and stick to choices that help you move towards your goals,

Not choices that are made out of reacting or emoting...


((((( )))))