Decisions are made re:grandfather...trauma of the accident is too great and he will not pull through. Dialysis, etc will only prolong the inevitable a few more days, so he will be kept comfortable and...
I will always admire him for his tenacity in some dire health situations over the last 35 yrs or so. Drs gave up on him more than once, and he pulled through. and for his kindness. A mechanic by trade, he never drove by a broken down car on the road without stopping to help. Several people he helped became lifelong friends. I will also always fight to control my temper which I believe I inherited from him. He was never mean to us grand kids, but we witnessed the rage on a few occasions.
Book review of change your heart change your life: Some background: Though I prefer the term "follower of Jesus", I would be labeled "evangelical Christian" by mainstream media based on my beliefs and practices for the last 31 years.
So the first eleven chapters seemed very elementary to me. But there was enough foreshadowing to keep me going. A huge theme in the book is "it's not what happens to you, but what you think or believe about what happens to you, that determines your level of happiness (joy) in life"
I have been told that many times on this forum. I believed that most of my life. I lived that. I TAUGHT that. I have not disclosed here before that my business I own is a martial arts school. The curriculum I teach is 1/3 technical skill,1/3 physical fitness, 1/3 character and personal development skills. I felt , feel that before the BD I was a decent example of the things I teach, including attitude determining happiness.
I maintained positive outlook and joyful existence through moms young death, W cancer, business setbacks and partnership betrayals, slander by competitors, miscarriage, health scare of my own, other deaths in family, and ultimate nosedive of the business to the point I don't know if it can recover, or sometimes even if I want it to.
But when THIS happened...this betrayal, this hell, this BD, I lost faith. Not in God, I don't think, though I certainly have been questioning certain things, ie "all things come together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose"... How could this be for my good?
I have been asking myself how can I ever be positive or happy again if I was such a bad husband that W was miserable for years and I didn't see it and ruined our lives? How can I find the positive in that?
I was always positive through those hard things, because I thought "I have W, marriage, we're going to make it." I had no illusions of a perfect marriage, but I was genuinely happy.
My marriage and wife were my main source of happiness.
I now am realizing that was our downfall.
In some crazy way I idolized the marriage and my W while at the same time being neglectful. I don't know if I can ever explain that thought but I'll try.
In some ways I put my W on a pedestal. Thoughts like "I'm really screwing up but W is SO good, SO moral, SO faithful...so PERFECT, everything will be OK". I never said those words probably, but in hindsight I think that was my mindset.
I was relying on her to be good enough for both of us.
Who can survive that kind of pressure?
Of the four beliefs in the book which change your life, the first was love God first. I knew that, but really loved self first, then W/marriage, then God. My priorities were exactly reversed from what they should be:God, others (especially W), self.
OK, I knew that, and have been working on fixing it, and making what I think is great progress, but it's not why I got the book.
Chapter 12: The High Value of Trials, is why I got the book. This one chapter is worth the price of the book. I will read this over and over. I will probably post more about it as well as its where I'm growing most now. This trial im having trouble putting in erspective so i can not be depressed, not manipulate, not bully. I'm cutting this post "short" because I have an early shift in the morning.
Chapter 13: The High Value of Forgiveness is also worth the price of the book.
Chapter 14: How Your Beleifs Affect Your Eating Habits and Addictions is as well. I could replace "eating habits" with any habit...my poor husbanding, W's behavior, and it would fit.
There are words there I want to say to W. will post tomorrow, so stay tuned please.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
