It's going on 6 weeks since my wife forced me out of the house and requested a separation. It seems like every day that passes just adds another nail into our relationship coffin. We have a 2nd joint counseling session next Tuesday. The counselor asked her to bring a plan for this separation. She's so cold and angry with me at times looking through me or past me and at other time just glaring at me with hatred. At this point it seems so hopeless and I'm still struggling with the grief and loss of my wife, kids, house, neighborhood, and life as I knew it. Trying to fight the loneliness, shame of failing as a husband, guilt of my faults in the relationship, rejection from my wife, fear of the future, and financial stress of supporting two households. I need some encouragement to stick this out from others who've had positive outcomes. My original post is in Walk away Wives. Thank you for everyone that's commented already.
H 35 W 39 M 12 T 13 D 7 D 5 Bombshell April 2, 2013 Separated April 6, 2013 Still separated
It will take you a while to get your feet under you. Being hit with this type of situation is very difficult. It will be really important for you to lick your wounds, take a good look at where you are and then move forward.
Those first steps will be bumpy and it isn't easy, but it does get better. Even those who do not succeed in saving their M, I think for the most part would agree that the outcome was positive, having gone through "the work".
kaffe diem, I'm so confused. We had a serious relationship conversation last sunday that she initiated followed by a joint mc session the next monday. I thought we made real progress. She expressed that I heard her issues and I apologized for my actions. We talked again tuesday and she agreed to get coffee with me. She expressed that she didn't now how to move forward. By thursday she was mentally/emotionally gone again. I texted and called her for the coffee but got no response. She wouldn't talk to me and left to see family on saturday. I also found a packet of paperwork from a divorce attorney in the house and a list of questions that she asked. It wasn't filled out but I know she took it with her on her trip. Not sure if I should confront her about the divorce paperwork and/or tell the marriage counselor about it. What do you think?
Bluedown...take it from a guy who made every textbook mistake you can when it comes to DB'ing. I know where you are, because I was there not too long ago. I understand the grief, pain, and confusion you are feeling.
That said, you really need to detach, and back off your W. As hard as it was, after reading posts here and the DR book...I let go. Its still hard today, but much easier than it was after BD, and the week or two that followed.
If she was coming around, or opening up...I might suggest you possibly were "pushing her" for more, and then she clammed up? Desperation and neediness are poison in our sitches, and sends the WAS into a dead run away from you.
You listened and accepted responsibility for the sitch. You apologized. Your W heard you...you dont need to keep harping on it and publically whipping yourself. Let it go for now...and detach, start GAL'ing, and put your best face on when dealing with your W. Keep a PMA, and start working on yourself, and implement the changes and 180s you want to do for YOURSELF...and not your W alone.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Ditto was SFC said ^^^^^^ time is your friend bluedown.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
SFC, Yah, I pushed for more to fast. I still think she's trying to decide on staying married or divorcing. Probably what she meant by not knowing how to move forward. Having a hard time GAL and adjusting to all of this. It's been 2 months since getting kicked out of the house and the situation is consuming every thought. I'm filled with grief, regrets, and shame for allowing my marriage to get to this point. I missed all of the signs of my wife emotionally detaching from me since the beginning of the year.
Trust me brother, I understand. And it is tough, but you can do this. But I promise you that if you continue to pressure her, or talk about your R and/or a future right now, you will drive her away and further toward divorce.
That she is still going on dates with you is a good thing...she is still interested. She just isnt interested in the M and the pressure of a future ATM. If you care about a future with your W...then you are going to have to square yourself with that, and accept that what you have ATM is what she is able to give.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Absolutely SFC, Bluedown she is still interested enough to have coffee etc, then she is still interested, full stop. Just don't pressure her. Enjoy the times, validate and PMA. Allow her the time to decide when to talk about M and R. Focus on you and your changes, 180's etc. Be the man she doesn't want to lose.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Don't confront about the paperwork. Confrontation is pressure, so confrontation in general is a no-go. Easier said than done -- I was always pretty good about it but had my slip-ups and a WAS is always going to do things that make you mad -- but you can do this. Confronting is not going to change the outcome in your favor -- it'll either have no effect or make her more determined to get away from you, and more likely it'll be the latter.
When your emotions are pushing you towards the edge and you want to open your mouth you just have to remind yourself that whatever you want to say, no matter how justified you feel in saying it, it's going to push her away further.
Just go with the flow, enjoy her company when she offers it. It's really hard to get to the place where you are okay with the fact that you're not in a relationship with her and the future is in limbo, but once you can accept that and just go along with your interactions with her without expectations or ulterior motives or bringing the relationship up, you will be much happier, and she'll become less and less distant. You want to be an easy-going, confident guy who isn't needy or clingy so she enjoys spending time with you. You want to act as if she's a friend and neither of you owe anything to each other. No pressure.
If she thinks you're going to get upset about the paperwork or the state of the R or anything like that, she'll pull back because you aren't on the same page. If you can adopt a casual attitude in your interactions, it works wonders.
If she wants to file paperwork, nothing you say will change that. The key point is this in my opinion: Confrontation, disagreeing with her decision, pressure, makes you the enemy and someone to avoid. Going with the flow, accepting the decision and agreeing with her, just being there for her makes her feel as if you are on her side, an ally in a world that is probably very confusing and scary for her right now. Imagine her surprise when she realizes, perhaps months down the road, that her biggest ally and support has been the person she so badly wanted to run away from.
I haven't gotten a chance to read your first thread yet, but one thing that is helpful to know is she is as scared and fearful as you are. Even if she is putting on the determined brave face, as they all do. I remember one of my wife's more resolute days early in the process, overhearing her telling her sister on the phone that she was scared and confused and didn't know what to make of anything.
The second thing I want to mention: you said you are having a hard time with GAL. This is a chicken and egg situation. You WILL NOT feel like GAL at first, but GAL is the most important part of this process. You'll feel some of the life come back to you. You'll gain self-esteem and self-respect. You'll see a glimpse of life beyond your marriage and you'll start to learn that you do not need your wife to be happy, you just want her. And this is so important. You're not going to feel any better until you do GAL -- I see people on here all the time who do everything in DB right except GAL for months and make no progress, then they start GALing and make a heap of progress. And she's going to be attracted to that newfound confidence, self-worth and perhaps scared by the sense that you can move on without her. Please, please, if you do anything in DB at all, make a serious, all-out effort to GAL as soon as possible.
Me: 24 W: 24 T: 9 M: 6 S7, D4, S2 PA Starts, ILYBINILWY: Nov 2012 BD & PA Discovered: Jan 2013 First ML since BD: April 2013 Physical separation: Mid-May 2013
