I was just looking at old vacation pictures. We traveled a lot with our close friends. Those were such good times. We experienced a lot together. I'm so glad we took those trips. We all look so happy, including H. It's interesting that he looks back at those vacations and blames me for the cost of them. But there he is in the pictures, smiling. It's as if getting ready to turn 50 made him take stock of his life including all the money that was spent for decades and wishing he had it in his hand. I don't understand that. This has to be a gambler's mentality. A healthy person wouldn't look back and wish they had never taken a vacation.
It's not painful looking at pictures. Why is that? I don't feel sadness or anger. They just make me wonder, where did that person go? How did I not notice that my H as slipping away? (That question makes me cry?)
My H has only contacted our good friend once since he left. It was a quick text this past Christmas of all days. He must have been remembering good times and the connection. They haven't heard from him since. These were people we spent a lot of time with from the birth of our oldest children onward. The boys and I still visit with them and take weekend trips. The four of us had looked forward to many trips together even once the kids were grown. It's amazing that three of the four of us have had to deal with aging, sick parents, raising kids, etc. but never once thought of fleeing the family.
I am livid that I am struggling financially while I wait for my attorney to get support money that I am owed. The amount is undisputed, but is being held by my H and his attorney has a negotiating tactic. They know I need it and are hoping that I will give in and settle for less than I am entitled to.
I don't understand the cruelty. It's a form of abuse. My H is absolutely delusional to think that he will ever have a relationship with the boys after all of this. They know exactly why their life is screwed up and that their father, the one who should protect them no matter what, is the reason it isn't getting better.
I am doing the best I can to be positive and reassuring, but I am entitled to moments of anger. I'm not going to cover up my feelings with a fake smile. I absolutely should not be in this financial predicament considering the amount of money we jointly make and that I am entitled to.
GM, You have every right to be angry and I would find something to let it out on.
They all tend to try to wear us down so that we'll accept the scraps that they offer. However, if at all possible, stay firm about what you need for you and the children to survive.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GM, I know it's hard, but you've got to rein in that fear before the anger sets something into motion that you can't fix.
Hopefully your lawyer will be able to alleviate some of your fears in finalizing the support documents, etc.
Try to relax this evening and pamper yourself a bit. You need to find a way to unwind a bit so that you can get a good night's sleep.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No need to worry, snodderly. I work myself into a lather, but only temporarily. Going for a long run usually helps diffuse it, so I log quite a few miles each week. You're right though. Unchecked anger can lead to all kinds of destruction.
I do hope my attorney can get something done. The longer my H holds onto that money the less of it I will see. He has come up with all kinds of creative ways to try and reduce what's owed. This part will be the hardest to recover from. I understand that when he bolted he was desperate and broken. I can find compassion and forgiveness for that. But what he's done during the D process is nothing less than cruel and disgusting. He sees nothing wrong with what he doing including using my bank account to pay his bill (earlier post) knowing that my financial situation is desperate and he is momentarily flush. I almost wonder if he did that not so much because he somehow felt entitled, but rather thought once I found out that I would contact him. He has no way or reason to communicate with me at this point. I've blocked all contact. Up until I took that action he always seemed to find a reason to email. If he couldn't find something to fight about then he would offer to help in some way. I've been anticipating old fashion snail mail. It's all he has left.
I am so afraid. I have decided to find a new attorney. I am so frustrated that after a year and thousands of dollars nothing has been accomplished. And now my attorney is acting frustrated with me! She allows H to email her, and bills me for reading them, although she doesn't respond. It's not appropriate. The latest one she forwarded was a long, spewing list of blame. It's my fault that we are getting divorced, that finances are tight, that I won't sell the house, that the kids won't talk to him, etc., etc. My attorney's frustration is due to her own failure.
I don't know how I am going to retain another attorney since I don't have money to do it, but I can't continue down this cheeseless tunnel. My attorney has racked up a lot of fees and will just continue doing it whether she accomplishes anything or not. I'm mad at myself for continuing to work with her even though I've had a nagging feeling for months that I needed to find someone else.
Not taking action is a common theme in my life. It leads to hopelessness frustration, resentment, feeling abused, etc. I must change this. I need to understand why I keep taking scraps. I'm always so fearful that standing up for myself will put me in a desperate situation. But not doing so is detrimental.
I know I am smart, resourceful and capable, but I am easily triggered by conflict and rather than stand my ground, I buckle. Somewhere I developed the belief that if I ask for what I want I will push the other person away. I have been in a constant state of non action and my life is a mess because of it. I am fearful of what will happen next.
I don't know how I am going to make my life better, but I have to find the faith and courage to take the right steps. To start, I need to open up a case with the DA's office to have child support garnished. Next, I need to try and find an attorney who is willing to be paid post-settlement.
Sorry your attorney is behaving so unprofessionally. All this is adding to your stress. It is her job to represent you, to act for you and to listen to your concerns, Have you discussed your concerns with her?
Part of the MLC journey for us is addressing those parts of us that need to change, as you know.
Changing comes from acting differently. It is that simple and that difficult. wanting to is important, but we actually have to act. every time we act positively the next action is easier not harder.
Think of it like a fitness programme. We start small and keep going, and if we continue then we become fitter. Maybe not Olympic athletes, but fitter.
Courage is a rare quality in daily life and one that our MLC spouses conspicuously lack. We need to develop it in us, an the rewards are great!
I spent the first few years post bomb full of fear about everything - what would happen to my kids, what my crazy xh would do next, what the future would bring. Part of the fear comes, I believe from that trauma, but then i got cancer (again) and survived in the face of my xh's complete indifference, and then i bought a wreck of a house to renovate (WHY? I now ask myself) and developed a lot of new skills and made new friends, and now I feel much more enabled.
You will be fine, but you are the author of your life story, despite what the plot throws at you.
Thank you so much, Bea. I am crying my eyes out and wondering how I am going to work tomorrow. I'm so tired of being mistreated and controlled by H. Because he has all of the money he is getting away with this. There is no protection by the court. I'm afraid for my own well being at this point. If I collapse the boys will have no one. I don't know how things could be worse than they were at the beginning, but they are.
Golfmom - I am puzzled - where do you live? In most places a man has to support his wife and children. Please do get good advice In many places there are help lines, and advice centres.
You will have to fight, but I do not think your husband can leave you without money for yourself and your children.
