Still Struggling and need help #4

[CharlieBrown]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2347125#Post2347125

[CharlieBrown]

I understand completely what you are saying. This historically was an issue with us and continues to be now. Part of it is because my W has a very stubborn streak and the concept of saying "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" is completely alien to her These are both traits of her otherwise wonderful dad and I see how strongly she takes after her dad in this (and the terrible toll these traits have taken on MIL).

She has professed that she is committed to counseling and to rebuilding our M. That alone is very positive. But, her actions still show Replay to some extent and I think that is what MC is trying to show her, in his own way. Whether it is successful or not I don't know, but we have another 10 sessions already scheduled this summer at his request, and I would be surprised if we don't go beyond this. It wasn't broken in a couple months, it isn't going to be fixed in a couple months.

CB

[~ kd ~]

CB, I'm just finishing going through your old thread and wanted to post an observation, specifically regarding your counselling.

It is hard for people not to try to guess the intention of the therapists. Some will simply "do their job", while others might include the participants by explaining the process.

When there are two people in a session, it is hard to be a fly on the wall, and not do anything but listen while the therapist is working with the other party.

I think that you do a good job working with the therapist directly, but I also think that maybe you are focusing too much on what YOU feel the message from your therapist, to your W, is all about. That message is for HER to understand and figure out and may have nothing to do what you are thinking. Of course, you COULD be right in what you think the message is. Yet that remains between your therapist and your W. You will only know anything at the next session and how the therapist continues to work with your W.

So again, and I'm saying this somewhat tongue in cheek, try not to do the therapists job. Your role in the MC is to work on you and to work on the M and anything that is specifically between the therapist and your W... is between the therapist and your W. You just have the privilege of being allowed to observe... but you haven't been given the green light to participate, interfere, or otherwise be more involved in that, specific work...

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks KD, good reminder. I have only gone to 4-5 sessions so far, but I have already seen times where I thought we were being taught one thing turned out to be something different. Kind of like "wax-on, wax-off" in Karate Kid.

I think the other risk that I run that I am trying to be VERY careful about is that I don't want this to be about the therapist taking my side. That is why I ate a big meal of STFU during our session yesterday. I don't think we are there, but after a few weeks of me being beaten, or beating myself, over the head, she probably feels that way after yesterday's session.

I am excited to go next week, for sure. Hopefully we will have a lot of positives to start the session!

CB

[CharlieBrown]

First, a big thank you to all of you who have served our country on this Memorial Day holiday. I know from reading your sitch's that you have sacrificed so much for all of us, in many cases including your marriages, and I can only extend to you a sincere thank you.

[CharlieBrown]

Second, wow, last night and this morning was sure interesting! We had a big party with our son's 6th grade basketball families over as an end-of-season get together. Lots of fun and lots of beer and wine as the night went on. After everyone left at about 1, W and I were in the kitchen and she showed me a pic on FB on her phone. When she showed it to me, the next one down was a post from tat-boy, and asked her to tell me about him and how he fits into all of what we have been going through. We spent the next two hours in a very emotional and honest discussion about it and finally stopped only because it was so late and we needed to get to bed. This morning she came and talked to me and we talked more on our walk with the dog. I thanked her this morning for talking to me and opening up to me.

Gist of it, she knows how upsetting and hurtful this has been to me. She said that she found him during toughest times and wasn't looking, now it is more of a habit and she understands that it can have a toxic affect on her and us. She admitted to texting him and pming him on her visit there a month ago and said it was harmless. She tried to shift it back to me ("you used to look at Playboy" - yes, 15 years ago and I stopped because it was disrespectful to you) and I did a pretty good job on listening and responding). Lots of discussions, but bottom line is that it is in the open and we talked lots about it. She said she knows she needs to get off his FB friends and we will see if she follows through.

I did a better job today of listening than I did last night, but at least it was honest.

[CharlieBrown]

Yesterday was interesting. I know I was too emotional Sunday night but what happened, happened. I can't go back and change it. If I had it to do over again, I think I would have still brought it up under the circumstance, but in a much more detached and emotionless way. At times I cried (she did too, but only at times that she reflected back on the "dark times" a few months ago, which, considering the subject, seemed odd. When she wasn't being honest early on in our discussion, I know that I raised my voice and pounded on our island in the kitchen and said "Please, be honest about this!" This is very uncharacteristic behavior for me (I have often been told I am too guarded and need to be willing to be more emotional). Yesterday, when she came to talk to me, I had already had time for coffee and to reflect on the night before so I did a much better job keeping cool and affirming, even though I felt my blood pressure rising a few times.

With the day to reflect, I am not exactly sure what she came to tell me yesterday. I thought what she was saying was, for her, a sort of apology (she never says classic "I'm sorry" apologies) and admission that she needs to stop this behavior for us to move forward (including, I thought, getting rid of him on FB). But, as I thought about it yesterday, I am not sure if it was that, or if she was explaining it to minimize it to me (and to herself presumably). We have MC tomorrow, and I know this will be a part of the discussion, so I will maybe find out then. Also, if she does de-friend him on FB, that would tell me as well. I am not going to say anything else at this point, she clearly knows my thoughts and no more good could come of it.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

One more thought. I know, and fully understand the logic, that even if she does break off the obsession with tat-boy and make a good faith effort on it, that the fact that I brought this up, and handled it the way I did, could ultimately push her into a deeper obsession, either with this tat-boy, or with door #2 down the road. This really worries me and I don't know what to do about that other than try to refocus on being the husband no wife would want to leave. But knowing that I might have made it worse is tough to move on from. But, move on I must!

CB

[reachingHigher]

Don't beat yourself up about it, CB. I've broken every DB "rule" there is numerous times. We just keep going, and as you said, become the best we can be. For us. For them. For our families. For our future.

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks RH!

If there was a positive about it, I felt there there was real honesty between us (at least after the first 5 minutes in on her part). That hasn't been a strength of ours in the past, normally, if we had a discussion that became too heated, she would walk away and I would stew for a couple days. This was a deadly cycle and created a lot of the communication breakdowns we had.

CB