Then, when/if they choose not to, we're back in control with how to react with that information.
You're always in control of how you react if you choose to be.
It's OK to be angry that he's still drinking. It's OK to be angry if he's still in contact with OW. It's how you deal with that anger that's important. Anger is an emotion that's evoked when we are threatened. Figuring out that threat and then responding in a way that keeps you safe is the key. You can set boundaries but remember boundaries are for you, not to control the other person. Your Ds can set boundaries. You can't do that for them, they're old enough to do that for themselves.
You may be still caught up in something you learned as a child. I think young girls especially are taught that we should never be angry so we feel it is a bad thing. We don't learn how to best deal with it. We can't change the past but there's no time like the present to change things that are no longer useful and are just plain unhealthy.
What feelings do you have about H's drinking that underlie the anger?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
