bug- thanks for stoppin by. you seem to come in at the right moments all the time. you are right. without the "firm ground"it gives fear a chance to set in. my whole life i have prided myself on being afraid of nothing. im coming to realize that i am actually afraid of being afraid. does that make sense? it sounds really stupid now that i think about it. when i feel nervous or "afraid" i automatically throw up the walls and go to my inner brave place where nothing touches me and i will do anything. i do that at work alot. i did that in prison alot. now i do it in group when its time to talk about feelings. i am only harming myself by not allowing myself to be vulnerable i think. it takes alot out of me on a daily basis to always be "strong".
i guess people can act how they want and i shouldnt worry so much? uggghhh i feel dense sometimes.
Wii- i never tell people im hurting. i try to be mr. perfect. i dont want people to think i cant do something. my whole life i felt like i had something to prove. in reality ive been trying to prove something to myself i think. i am very impressed at the steps you are taking. i cant even imagine it for some reason. i to am afraid of appearing weak. which in my case almost comes down to being afraid to be human. my XW used to yell and scream at me and i would shut down. i would lose all emotion and become very calm. she would then yell at me, "are you a robot? are you even human?" little did she know that when i get like that i am exerting every ounce of self control i have not to do something stupid. with her it would have been to say something i would forever regret. i used to fight alot when i was younger, because of various situations. people learned that when i was deathly calm, that is when i was the most dangerous. i got a wierd, sick sense of pleasure out of that reputation.
i believe that i am emotionally retarded. i am getting all these new feelings, and instead of shutting down i am really trying hard to feel them. it [censored]. i dont really know what they are and it makes me feel uncomfortable, which then mkes me feel weak and so on. its a vicious cycle.
i am very glad for these boards. i feel like i can open up without being judged. it actually has been helping me for along time. that is why i ask you what you are doing. i like hearing feedback, because then i can attempt to learn things. i am not a huge fan of my IC, but she is court apointed so i am stuck with her. no offense to any women who read this, but i would rather have a man as an IC. i get alot out of my meetings with my sponsor. he is pretty wise for having no formal training. at the same time, some times he can be of no help at all. i am trying to use all the tools at my disposal, so to speak. i am sick of living this way.
Originally Posted By: whatisis
I'm showing myself to others at my weakest point and letting them take care of me for a bit...and I'm surviving.
