wow.. i feel wierd right now.. that is me too. i dont know why but i always feel like i have to perform so others value me. i too feel used alot by people...i gotta think about this one.. thank you
Honestly Clay, people will use you if they sense you have that need. They aren't doing it to be hurtful, they're just being human. In my last R when we broke up she said "I just don't want you to think I took advantage of you" and I said "of course you took advantage of me, why wouldn't you take advantage of me, I'd take advantage of me!" she also said "I thought you liked doing things for me because you loved me!" Wow. But hey, I couldn't stop myself 'cuz I was super boyfriend, there's nothing I can't do for you and don't worry about my needs 'cuz I won't trust you enough to tell you what they are! And when I did, she let me down. Anyway, I too have to really look at how to correct this sh!t so I don't repeat the same unhealthy, dysfunctional patterns yet again. I think it's important to learn to value yourself a little more so the impact of others is a bit less...and remember that if God loves you, knowing all your screw ups, then why shouldn't lesser beings!
she said "I just don't want you to think I took advantage of you" and I said "of course you took advantage of me, why wouldn't you take advantage of me, I'd take advantage of me!" she also said "I thought you liked doing things for me because you loved me!" Wow. But hey, I couldn't stop myself 'cuz I was super boyfriend, there's nothing I can't do for you and don't worry about my needs 'cuz I won't trust you enough to tell you what they are!
wow.. this really hit home.. i have some thinking to do.. thank you
I'm kind of zonked today. Friday night in my church small group the topic was relationship. We discussed what works in relationships and what doesn't. It brought up for me my past "failures", one of which being so recent. Then last night the Pastor got me blubbering with stories of his personal disease to please, which I so identify with, and how it wrecked his marriage. Then I'm over at a friends place afterwards shedding tears. Enough already! Today, I'm gonna chill, do some chores, pick up my kids and put the brain on hold. I've emoted enough for one weekend...it's exhausting! Btw Clay, there are some books out there that might be helpful. One is "The Disease To Please" by Harriet B Braiker and the other, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (harder to find though unless you order used).
Wii... I spent many years in therapy trying to come to terms with the fact that doing everything for everyone else wasn't doing me (or anyone else) any good.
It is still a struggle... to not try to anticipate what everyone wants and do it
to let other people do things for me and not immediately think of how I can repay them
But, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, we teach people how to treat us...
Wii-hopefully some Advil and a beer helped you with the emotional hangover today. I always find a long walk does wonders too.
I love Fig's last comment, because it's true. I think men have it harder with the pleasing issue, because it's in your nature to offer assistance. It's just sometimes hard to find the line where it is your desire vs. something else someone needs that you are not in a position to do. OR just really don't want to, but say yes anyway.
My brother and I had a very long conversation about this on Friday night. This insane enmeshment he has with my mom is unhealthy and it's also a contributing factor in his drug addiction. He's almost 45 and wound up marrying a woman much like Mom. They want him to do exactly what they say, he does it, and he's miserable. I don't know how his story will end, but I wound up saying some very direct stuff to him that made him almost cry. But he did tell me I made a direct hit and he appreciated it. It's hard.
It's especially unhealthy because the more you give, the more those people demand.
Until this past fall, I considered myself employed full time, but also a part to full time volunteer. I don't regret it, because they were efforts that supported the causes for my daughters. But when D19 went off to college, I put a halt to ALL my volunteering. And I mean all of it, including financial donations. Hell, I didn't even buy any boy scout popcorn or a box of girl scout cookies.
I decided that this would be the year of saying no. I am still trying to figure out who I am and where I'm going. I figure as long as I'm full of busy-ness, I'll never get there. So I went cold turkey. At first, it was difficult. But the more I said no, the easier it was for me to do it again.
Last week, someone called me while D19 was in my kitchen - someone who asked for a favor, and not the one hour variety. I said no and then the conversation ended. She had her eyebrow raised when I told her about the year of no. I was expecting some admonition. Instead I got some praise. She told me that I need to find more balance in giving and taking. And that surprised me.
Maybe it's something you could mull over too? How much is what you do for others something that you *want* to do?
I wound up putting up a bonafide profile on ourtime yesterday, and funny enough, have had a steady stream of interest. Of course, half of them live somewhere else. Like Big Daddy in Oklahoma!?! Oh boy. Glad I reiterated my preference for no pen pals in my profile. You all inspired me. One guy wrote back and told me my straightforward approach was refreshing. He's incredibly fit... okay, he's a stud... and I'd feel damn insecure dating a guy who looks like a pro football player. But there are 2 others that are pretty interesting.
Ellie, if you don't mind, I'll update you with any new lessons to help all of you along as I go. Maybe nothing will bear fruit.
BTW, one of the 2 commented that he's sick of meeting superwoman - women who can carry a bike on their back as they climb a fourteener. Or can hoist a Harley back up on her own. I have to admit that I laughed out loud there. The other guy also seems normal - he's sick of women who feel entitled to everything and also hates the victim complex. I appreciated their honesty too.
Okay, time for something less stressful. Like the new episode of Cupcake Wars. Nothing like watching food shows to make me feel better. Especially since I'm not the one eating those cupcakes. Better for my waist line.
Hope you have a healing rest of your day, and that Monday brings new perspective.
Cheers!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey