He has been apologising to my youngest son for everything EXCEPT WHAT HE DID. So apology for turning up with OW in tow, apology for not giving younger dil a sweater he buoght for youngest son which he didn't like and she did etc etc. Emails often sent at weird times of the night
He has invited them down to stay with him and OW2 for a week this summer - this has morphed from the offer of an apartment with no strings to a family holiday
OW2 very much in the picture - when she retires next year they are gong to spend more time in the apartment my xh has near to where the kids live. My younger dil wanted to say WHY? We aren't going to hang out with you.
He doesn't get it. Wants the back door entry to a relationship with his kids, wants the r with OW2, wants to be my friend.
I have heard nothing from him in over a week, which is good.
What is going on - apparently r with OW2 is rock solid, but he is desperate to reconnect with his children. Is it because he is now settled and through his crisis?
In which case why can't he apologise for the hurt and pain he caused them? He is causing his kids so much stress by all of this behaviour.
I just want him to go away and not bother us and have a nice life with OW. But no, he wants it all, typical MLCer.
If I sound frustrated it is because I have spent the afternoon with my younger dil who does not want to go on this jaunt - she finds OW2 the most boring person on the planet, and my xh a very strange man. Why she is being expected to take time out of her vacation to visit them is beyond her. My youngest son is studying for his bar exams and is stressed out and doesn't want a confrontation. This man who used to be a loving father is now an ace manipulative bastard.
Is it possible he is having a second crisis with new OW? Without resolving the first
Bea, I can relate to everything you wrote even though my boys are younger. My H has hurt them so badly and doesn't see this as his doing. Abruptly leaving and hurting them was something he had to do and, by the way, it was all my fault for a list of ridiculous and unsound reasons. I can see this theme continuing well into the future which is why none of us has any contact with him. We just want to be left alone to heal and rebuild our lives. H wants to live his life spewing justifications. It's total crazy making. I would rather remember the person that he was before all of this started.
I'm so sorry that so many years later you are still dealing with hurtful behavior. I can understand you just wanting your xh to go away until he can really understand and take responsibility for all of the destruction that he caused. He also will need to realize that rebuilding a relationship with the boys will be a slow and steady process and only if they want that. He can't just storm back into their lives and have an instant relationship. This says to me that it's still all about him and not about being the stable, loving father that your boys need. I'm sorry.
GM Thank you for your sympathetic insight. My question is Why Now? What has changed in the mean who ran hard and fast.
He is doing everything I suggested but in the wrong way - re-connection, apologies etc. it is as if every word I recently emailed has gone home, but hit faulty wiring!!
My kids are confused and angry. But they still love their father for who he was
Bea, He heard everything you said, but in his mind, he's going to do it his way. He most likely didn't like what you wrote, so he going to show you and the children that they are going to tow the line and work w/him. I'm afraid that unless your children and speak up, he's going to run right over top of them and yes, if they do move to that apartment, he's going to expect them to be best buds and do everything together and that they will have an open door policy of them dropping in whenever they feel like it. He's still wanting to appear the best father on earth and unfortunately, he's not going about it the proper way. He doesn't get it.
He's still in crisis and I suspect he's going to be one of those that remains stuck. Bea, you'll have to step back and let your children deal w/him because the more you get involved the worse he'll be. As for you, no contact is the best way to go. I'm very sorry he's behaving like this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
my eldest son has been very firm, and told him that there is no further contact. Xh wrote and said he was proud of him, and son wrote back and said that he was ashamed of the way his father had behaved.
My two younger sons are being ridden rough shod over, and I hope at some point they will stand up to him. They did initially when he started his MLC, but they now care less than they did, so are more willing to put up with someone they used to care deeply about and now find an embarrassment. .
I have stepped right away from the drama. BUT I am not facilitating the relationship any more. This is simply enabling behaviour.
I really wanted them to have a relationship, and encouraged contact, but now see that it is only his (and OW2) terms. The children are old enough to make their own decisions
I have long thought he would remain stuck - although he showed some signs of moving forward earlier this year, but I now feeling he is in his second MLC.
I do not understand though why he continues to want me in his life. He has OW2. I don't want him in my life and I am on my own!
Bea, it's interesting. Your xh, like mine, couldn't seem to live a day without being dependent on a woman (that's what I remember from your thread). He's not going to let go of ow2 before he has someone else lined up, including you. I could be totally wrong, but once he has done the backwards reconnection, the boys, then you, he might let go of ow2. He still needs a safety net. He's still incapable of being on his own and learning about and changing himself. Bea, you didn't go through all that you did to be reconnected with someone who can't do their own work. The same goes for your kids. I know some will disagree with me, but I don't believe kids need a relationship with both parents at all costs. Your xh is still acting like an adolescent. That's not good for anyone. It's crazy making. Who knows what the future holds. I'm not an advocate for cutting ties with people forever, no matter who they are, but there are times you need to shelve the relationship until a future date.
Bea, I agree w/GM, I do think he's holding on OW2 until he can work his way back into your life. They can't be alone or on their own w/o having someone there. She's a safety net right now. However, I do think he needs to grow up and realize that his sons are grown adults and they do not need to tolerate this behavior. I do think your sons will eventually get tired of this behavior at some point.
Bea, please do not allow this man to get under your skin. He's at a stage whereby he wants back in and only you can determine when you want that door to open or remain shut. As GM, stated "shelved the relationship until a future date". Until then, continue living your life as you have been. Life is far too short to allow this crazy man to ruin it for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly and golfmom - I agree that children do not need a relationship at all costs - the strange thing is that as time goes by and they are less hurt, the two younger ones are more prepared to have some sort of relationship, at my xh's persistent recent attempts. It is not about them though and how they might feel, it is all about him trying to feel better about himself.
My eldest son and both my dil's see the behaviour as enabling, but we don't interfere.
I am just concerned that my two younger sons have a lot going on in their personal lives right now, and do not need this stress. I just stand by and try to be kind to my kids and tough with my xh.
It could be that your sons miss having a dad and so, for a while, they are willing to take your xh on his terms. My boys did that until they were tired of being hurt, disappointed and embarrassed. Maybe they just accept him for who he is and know their relationship will be shallow. To me, their acceptance says a lot more about you as a mom. Clearly you've raised them to be kind and tolerant, if not fully accepting of others. If the relationship doesn't work or is hurtful they know how to walk away. Trust that.
I think if I had behaved as horribly as my xh has, I would not think I had the right to a relationship - I would see the need to make amends. This total failure to see this, and to (now) apologise endlessly for trivial stuff as a sort of proxy for the main thing is weird, and dislocated.
He has morphed from a wonderful man into a strange person, and got stuck there. I think that a part of him doesn't like this, but he isn't willing to address the real problems
Dealing with him just does my head in. I try periodically, but you cannot deal with a MLCer. The ground shifts all the time, and they have to be right, and you have to be wrong if you express another opinion. Then you find them doing what you suggested, but in a warped way so they can say 'I did what you said' What i want is some authenticity, not a semi compliant grumpy teenager
