When the MLCer leaves us, the MLCer makes a choice.
The LBS is left behind with such confusion. Because now we have a choice: act to possibly save the relationship and move forward or drop the relationship entirely and move on.
Ask anyone who has never been through this and they will immediately jump and say the latter choice is the only choice and why would you want someone who doesn't want you?
Part of your heart and brain agrees. And yet....it is not that clear of a decision to some LBSs. Ten months later and it is still not that clear to me.
What do I want to do - acknowledging the reality of the situation? No mind reading or guessing. I know what I want. I want the chance to save this relationship. I do not throw the people I love away. I cannot control his choices or actions but I can control mine.
So, I am taking MWD's advice and "starting with a beginner's mind" and acknowledging that it will be likely up to ME to initiate contact - NC does not seem to be working, so do something different and, if there is any response, I will have to go back to a basic relationship with no expectations.
When I will make contact is still up in the air. Snodderly suggested July. Likely, it will be around there.
I found this Q & A on another site and found it helpful:
Should I Contact My Wayward Husband? Leader: Scout
A Question from a Left Behind Spouse:
I have another question. Basically I have had no contact with my husband for 8 weeks. What should I do? I am scared to initiate contact again in case he does not want it. Also I am scared for myself as it has been easier not seeing or speaking to him.
The Answer From Scout
I understand your fear. I've felt it, lived it, had it claw at me from the inside. Contact, whether you're the initiator or the recipient, is TOUGH at first. There's pain at dealing with a "stranger", there's the possibility of conflict, there's the pain of facing the one thing you want but can't have, and many other reasons. But at the end of the day... it's fear. Fear is not only useless, but destructive too.
It could well be your husband is relieved not to have contact with you or the children. Why? Because he's empty. He has nothing left to give anyone. It's painful, and it [censored], but that's the way it is. And yet he needs contact, and love. He might not think he needs contact and love, but something deep inside him still beats true despite the maelstrom of emotions, and it is this part of your husband that you would be addressing.
There's also every chance that he's afraid too. If you are, why wouldn't he be? After all, the one time he tried it he was met with hostility. Of course, we all know this is not true hostility, but profound hurt, but he won't be seeing that. All he'll be seeing is hostility, judgement. And in his skewy state, given that you haven't been in touch he might have even have talked himself into thinking you don't want or need him.
Try to cast your mind into the future. What will happen if there's no contact? Whether or not you come back together again, you're in trouble. If you come back together again, you'll have to overcome a long period of simply not having a relationship. If you don't come back together again, you're still parents together. The family can't stay incommunicado forever. It's a sure way to REALLY screw everyone up.
The longer either of you leaves it, the longer and more difficult it'll be to reestablish contact. If he's in Midlife Crisis it's unreasonable to expect that he will do anything, so darl, it's squarely up to you.
And so my advice to you is to initiate contact, but not without doing some important things first.
First, you need to know who and what you are. You need to have a strong sense of self - independent of the people around you - and a healthy self esteem. Both of these things need to be rock-solid. If you're going to hold your hand out to someone who is dangling over a precipice, you need to make sure you're standing and holding onto something solid yourself. I know that what's happened has in all likelihood given your sense of self a battering, but remember you are a spectacular human being. You are not what people - including your husband - think of you.
Once you've done this, you need to set some boundaries. Do not allow the possibility of conflict when you contact him. Keep communications simple, breezy, and COMPLETLY stress- and emotion-free. Like Phoenix says, "put a smile in your voice". If he's shown the tendency to be hurtful since he entered Midlife Crisis, remove yourself from the situation. One woman found she could remove herself mentally, but sometimes she had to remove herself physically as well. I've found the former impossible, and can only do the latter. A couple of months ago now I let husband know that I would only talk to him if he was polite. If I've felt tension rising, I've said something like, "You know what? Let's talk about this later when we're both calmer, OK?"
Finally, remove expectation from the equation. If you initiate contact but don't expect anything (and I mean ANYTHING - good or bad) there can be no hurt. Chuck it out there. If he takes it, great. If he doesn't, great. You're doing the right thing regardless of his reaction. You contact him. You contact him because this is something YOU want to do, YOU need to do. If he doesn't want it, what does this have to do with you? He's doing what he wants and needs to do, now you do what you want and need to do. It's only a wild guess, but I think that you might him a bit frosty at first - particularly if he's suspicious - but he'll eventually be OK. And like I say, keep it light, bright, breezy. Nothing heavy duty, no talking about your relationship. NO tears! Make phone calls as short as they need to be to keep yourself under control.
I expect the first time you do this will be very difficult. But you can do it.
