i guess you're right . too darn tired at nite and busy to even wonder what is going on? with me or the world. it's okay- it's interesting - the kids and their personalities, quirks, etc.
i guess i'll be sorry to leave that room and go back to bigger kids now- just because they're alot less rewa4ding - it's very hard to feel any sense of accomplishment i'd say with the bigger kids- oh well huh? it's a job and it's not a law office- so i'll take it for the moment.
h returns wed- asusual i'm finding myself thinking wtf? my usual state of mind in life. soooo- you're on a mission to find the missing dawn?
good luck- i wonder where old me went? some days i think i'm still here- some days i cannot imagine.
life sure is funny- the twists & turns and the way it makes you feel.
back sometime- need tofind cloths to wear today- and have a cold too boot6- forgot kids always are loaded iwth germs - woo hoo.
antique show tomorrow- not ready- but should be fun (more to shop than sell i'd think)
soooo - as usual, trying to figure out how to both be "independent and un-obtainable " and "charming and desireable" at the same time. kind of seems at opposite ends of the spectrum. still work at stfu - mostly prevail. fail now or then.
just read dawn's attachment in one post about positive effect of lbs withdrawing from spouse. i'm tryin - i swear. succeeding- who the heck knows?
i keep sayin why the heck do you bother - to h's announcement he's coming up here for a week. i'm pretty insulted in general - always about the fact that he finds me unpalatable for three weeks out of four. i mean - really,? why bother to visit for a week at all.??? just skip it and save the $$...
still hanging on and hanging in there without delivering ultimatum or me running away myself. know why less and less.
it stinks- and i blew up the weed wacker to boo5t. this darn thing managed to not only strizzle out two strings that were too darn long and tanglie- it then sucked them up into the bottom of some part of the machine - so there are two giant loops coming out and going in and nothing can budge- cripes!
oh well- anyone with any words of wisdom feel free to "save" me here. i'm hanging on- but not so sure anymore why. h continues to be nice and pleasant and avoid conflict. does not say anhthing particularly enlightening or committal about anything.
ignores any ratty comments by me (yeah- they sometimes pop out wh4en i'm not looking) short, but maybe sarcastic - about his wonderful love life or some such. nothing whiney & pleading- but possibly ratty. i'm only hunam- now that i say it out loud- someone is going to point out it's pathetic and only indicates i'm still insulted or hurt and that IS HARDLY DETACHING.
OH NUTS. I DO SAY "do what you want and i don't care quite frankly" - in a pleasant and neutral tone. honestly- i just cannoty fight this all- change it - fix it and have accepted that fully. . isn't that tough or detached?
oh well- he thinks now he has to finish the roof on the garage. who the heck cares? the whole damn thing could crumble for all i give a dam - he asks if there's a list of things to do? wtf????/ like- he thinks it's "purchase manhatten" allover again - - he gets to give me a string of beads and walk away with my island.
well, walked away with my entire youth/adult life so far- but hey- buy me a stupid bag of groceries and that more than "pays" for a lifetime of lies??? wtf - how dumb do i look - apparently very very very dumb....
it is what it is and not us or them are going to bring back the past. We are done! YOu and H, me and H or done as two mature loving committed adults. They don't have any qualities anymore, nor are they thankful for us still being here.
They keeping us on a string, and once in a while they tug on it with gestures just to make sure your still there. Finding out that you're NOT still hooked (like me) doesn't necessarily mean he'll desperately try to win you back, he may try to hook you with new bait.
It's still not at ALLLLL about us, it is about them. And yes, it was a very good attachment to read, are H's are not interested in returning back to the middle ground as of yet.
Mine is way to focused on anger and revenge to see his way clearly through anything, he is taken, gone, consumed by his failures, immature, and not strong enough to handle life.
I believe he is sincere in the brief milliseconds that he is nice to me, but I will not live w/that unreliable, immaturity for the rest of my days. I have to believe at this point there is someone out there worthy of me, sh!t h isn't the only guy in the world. I'm done!
Your H is focused on HIMSELF! It is all about him, his needs, his wants, and nobody is going to tell a retired, educated, healthy man w/$$$, what HE is going to do w his life. He hasn't really done anything on the up & up ever if he's had OW always there on the side.
You are now out of his life, the one on the side w/her, sorry. The only difference we have is that our H's feel the guilt and need to at least maintain the lifestyle to which they have provided. It's almost like Hannibal Lector, it would be considered rude to just pull everything out from under us and go in for a quick kill.
Plus, these narcissistic guys get some quickened rush w/the idea that they can take care of their "home life" us, and still be able to do whatever else they want. My H said it yesterday, blah blah, and I will still maintain this family.
All said w/L Nero, hope I didn't offend! (((((())))))) <3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
ya know- i know this stuff. it's there in my head too- i don't like to say it to myself- i don't like to confront it. i hate to believe it- but do - - - i don't like hearing it - but i'm thinking as you're saying it- yeah, i know. it [censored] to hear and it hurts to know- but ta da - this jacka$$ has decided for me, really.
I hate that he's created what our r has become- and i was "bought" right along in the deal. i should have - at some point - woke up and smelled the coffee. here was me all complascent and tra laing along- thinking all that goofy idealistic goop i usually do- and just giving him free reign to really screw up a very very nice r.
he's a jerk- and I facilitated it. oh well-
i still need to seriousluy find a real job before i go "public" with this all. this substitute teaching is okay- and something i've been curious about- but it's not fulltime and it's not going to support me.
idk if my h will be at all nicer about finances if I just cut the cord. he was ratty at beginning (first fight after i found out). haven't seriously addressed it since. figured i'd stay dark about all that- let him think i'll be around wanting him forever- and slowly recuperate and regain my "strength" and so on. it's okay- it wasn't a mistake to try this and wait. i feel less shakey in general - in life about going solo. i'm much less "damanged" than i was two years ago- nothing like bursting someone's cherished "bubble" to send them into a tailspin.
maybe my h thinks he's being kind to me- i cannot imagine what he thinks of me- to think i'll sit around and wait for more crumbs?
still- i'm on my own course here- getting own life- i'm thinking you'RE CORRECT - there are plenty of men out there- someone will be a good fit for either of us- FINDING THEM? HOW THE HECK - I DON't pretend to know or even think i have the desire or urge to date again. HOWEVER - I'D think we both have a long time to go til we croak- and will find the way sooner or later.
i absolutely hate this getting real stuff dawn- . my h is all about him - it's true. he can't even see it. he can do so many nice things for so many people- but i just don't know where old him went. doesn't seem to live there anymore. idk- it's discouraging and that is that.
off to bed - highschool tomorrow - oiy - hope i don't get scalped or something!!!
hjust checking in to say hi- hope you're having an okay weekend- we drove to shore yesterday to visit with my neice & beau in from wash.d.c.- nice to see them. they're good - took my 14 year neice with us- had a nice day and a nice visit.
can't believe it's sunday already-
i have nothin really- not anything particularly good , but not anything particularly bad. i was snide a few times- it's the darn sarcasm - sometimes i t just spills out- a small "shot" because it's so bizarre and he acts soooo like it's all "normal" etc. sometimes my ratty sense of humour just emerges and says some wiseguy thing that pops into my mind. i'm trying to be "good" - never claimed to be perfect.
oh well- i'll be perfect (for sure) next life maybe. last nite in bed - middle of nite with tv off - wondering if i could get back to sleep and my brain just got telling self "shut up - you don't have any idea what the heck you're doing- so what- who the heck does know what they're doing- just stop and go to sleep" - spinning brain must have listened - i think it worked. hey- who knows, maybe some sane brain guy is stepping to the forefront and will take over- maybe i'll be come normal and "take charge" - maybe i'll be able to fly too ?? - who knows???
sos here- hope your long weekend is a good good one with lots of fun with thekids, etc.
you've disappeared - hpefully it doesn't mean anything other than havin alot of fun . fingers crossed xxo
Not fun, but learning. H has been an over spill of sharing, and exposing himself to me, I am being receptive, listening and learning. He's a good man with a misery gene that has grown 3x the size of any other gene.
In the end of all this I still can say, someone new in my life would be better that trying to stuff this not-H back inside to reveal my H. How would I go on w life w/him knowing he can come out anytime.
I'm 46yrs old, he stuffed not-h down for 22yrs, so back again same place and time when I hit 68yrs, no thanks! That is my biggest fear!
You sound good! Good for you! I'm good, we are redoing the kitchen pluming, H and I. Big talking days, crying, anger, but it was good, and needed. I don't think I like the phrase "stick w the devil you know" I'm holding out for new.
Can I get an angel please!!!! have fun!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
glad things are okay. i know what you mean- too much knowledge now maybe. i am unclear still about what I would like if i could have a choice.
i cannot imagine getting to know someone else like this ever again. it sounds dopey out loud- it makes me tired to think about. i know tho- it's fun and easy when you've got it going on- so i'm hoping if the chance ever does occur- i will go for it and have a good time.
i'm just tired now- and it makes me not even want to think about something controversial like dating.
h has been working on garage roof - almost done. glad it won't leak- i just don't care about it tho. the bit about seven days and gone is still insulting i think- i'm not sufferin - i'm offended tho on a general basis.
i guess i'm just like that- you're either with me or against me. not so much inbetrween room. h has been pleasant- no fights or anything. i wouldn't say actual expression of fondness- but absence of revulsion (in bed) maybe. cripes- what a sad commentry on life around here.!!
did some garden work- enjoyed weekend all things being considered. i don't know what else. i get what you're saying. i wonder too- would it ever be nice and just able to feel secure and trust this guy- knowing that old not-h is there lurking inside somewhere?
might just queer the whole dea l - forever.
i guess now that i'm here- i don't have much to say really- just hello and glad you're perking along.
it's a weird - limbo like state - isn't it??? oh well- since my brain decided the other nite that i need to try and achieve some sort of peacefulness inside - whether i know what i'm doing or not. Not of course- but it shouldn't matter really.
i need to chill out- this is no way to live all jacked up all the time.
anyway- so maybe i'll have some good luck with that- remaining calm-ish. working helps- just makes me tired and occupied.
wonder what i can find to do in summer - now that i kind of like this- but it will end with school - cripes!!!
i'm outta here- just having a sip of wine and doing nothing for a few minutes.
You and I are at the lull, that's what I'm gonna call it, the lull of time when they see its not so fun anymore! My H said it! Time has taken its toll, they don't feel comfortable yet returning, but are not content on the other side either! OP eventually come with a dose of reality!
We stand during their lull to see where they will eventually return, but remember, you have the finale say here, he has lost most of his fight! I may be just standing to be in control of my own destiny, and not feel as if I was forced out!
Even if he did return, the damage is great, but in my case the damage is mostly verbal, I can forgive a brief A when it is asked of me in true sincerity! If it is shown me that forgiveness is really being sought for the sake of healing, I would forgive! The verbal abuse is in the end words, words not really even executed, but the ranting of a man in pain and hatefulness for himself.
What I have a hard time with is trust that this would not happen again if life doesn't act according to the MLCers rules! Also, I'm not that content young girl he married happy to be in his arms and F**** the rest of the world! I am coming out of this changed as well, I want what the original H could never give me.
Nero, they let us down, is there coming back from that? Our two awkward H's who don't know what they ever really wanted. We are stable in our thoughts we know what we want, we want stability number one, yes! How do we pin down two guys that both say they are not content living one way?
I'm gonna get some wine, I love Mescoto, nice and sweet! Stay cool like I know your are!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
