Grace, Love, Compassion & Faith - Huge Impact

[sayitaintso]

The more I talk about it, the more I believe that this needed to happen. It was the only way to make ME healthy.

As painful and difficult as this path has been and continues to be I feel the same way.

[Valeska19]

Well..I tried to keep it short.
It did not work and I got sucked in. Thankfully no R talk.. but that doesn't mean it's a good thing.

I have it all on record as was a txt message conversation but I'll spare you the details. Only that we texting off and on for almost 2 hrs.

V: Hey! My show wrapped last night. Just wanted to say thanks for the advice. It really helped and I appreciated it the last 4 wks.

X: Hey Lady! Have been wondering how it was going! So glad it it helped. Has it really been 4wks? How does that happen?

V: Well I think it was only 3.5 weeks in the real world.. but yes.. super fast. You getting senioritis yet? (She's a teacher)

X: Did the show go ok? Did you feel like the 2nd learned from it? She talked about senioritis.

V: That's great.

And that's when she prompted the question again. So I answered and I guess that's when we got really chatty.

She asked what I learned and I told her that this show was very much about me letting go of "need to be perfect".

There were a lot of times we were on the same page about personal growth, looking in the mirror.

I applauding loudly all the changes she was talking about.. especially how her relationship is changing with her mom since her making amends to her.

I told her that her relationship will change because she is changing thus the dynamic has to change. And her mom can learn to become the woman x wants her to be - because she can see it from x.

She really liked that. She commented on us speaking the same language and applauding my positives.

It was a really REALLY great conversation. I had to stop it though. I could feel myself getting sucked in.

I don't think it's because I have feelings for her.. but because I love those kind of conversations. If she were a stranger, I would instantly be attracted to her personality and be friends with her.

And that can't happen at this stage. So I ended the conversation first and closed the door on the topic saying "thanks again for the wonderful advice"

I needed to put "us" back into her hands. If she wants a friendship with me, she needs to take the next step. Her pursuing is what is healthiest for both us.

She has to believe that I can forgive and be friends with her. I have to believe she won't run.

It's soo odd.. conversations that I wished we always had, or ways I wished we connected, happened yesterday. It seems like we are two positive people trying to hold ourselves accountable and be loving to others.

It's very rad… but something I need to distance myself from..

[2thepoint]

Being deliberate with how you communicate with someone can often revel interesting results. It is when we get comfortable and relaxed that we slip and fall into our old ways. But practice makes habit, so keep working at it Val and soon enough it will all be second nature.

I think it is great that you pulled back and ended the conversation early. Let her continue to pursue.

[2chiquitos]

You're doing great Val! Continue focusing on yourself and just allow things to fall into place. You're also allowing things to happen on their own and finding comfort, reassurance elsewhere not with her.

I tend to beat myself up if I make mistakes. I struggle with wanting to be perfect. At my last IC session she told me to make a list of what being perfect means to me. I got a long list... I'll let you know what her next step is for me with this list.

[Valeska19]

Thanks guys!!

It's definitely hard. After 2 years, I wouldn't think I would have the patience anymore.. but I guess we never know what we are ready for until it happens.

She txted again last night.. saying that she just wanted me to know that it was nice to connect with me the other day and thanking me for following up and that she is happy it went well.

I was out GALing so I didn't respond until a couple hours later. I finally responded saying I agreed and said that next time I would wait so she wouldn't be tempted to turn into a chatty kathy at work. She responded saying not to worry - if she couldn't chat, she wouldn't respond. I said fair enough and left it at that.

It was very short and very playful on my end.

2tp - I'm definitely very deliberate with how I communicate with x. I got the text but didn't respond for a few hours because I chose to be with my friends (I used to always chose x over friends).

I keep it short and I don't give out too much info or drag on the conversation because I was the talker in our relationship thus creating a dynamic where she was always there for me... but never allowed me to be there for her. I have no interest in that dynamic anymore.

It some ways - this kills me because I LOVE conversation and it's hard to speak with purpose at times....

.. but my goals are very simple. To always respond lovingly. And to always respond with who I am. The new Val is very playful even dare I say funny....

... and I am confident because I no longer hold onto the need to be "good enough" in her eyes.

I know who I am.. and that's not being cocky. It's just having self worth and truly believing that even though I'm not perfect - I'm still loved regardless.

And that is very powerful knowledge.

[Valeska19]

Life is a challenge.

After a 3 hour text conversation last week, I've been contemplating how much I want to pursue a "friendship" between X and I. Sometimes the thought of all the fears I have to overcome are daunting.

I want to give her another chance. I do believe that she is changing and I couldn't be happier for her. It would be nice to know a x who wasn't an emotional distancer or who didn't put me down to make herself feel better...

... but why? If we are not together.. I do ask myself .. what is the point here?

Perhaps the point is giving a 2nd chance. Because we all deserve them.

I was supposed to work on a feature in June with a good friend/director of mine. Unfortunately last time we worked together was the month of the bomb. To say I was not at my best, is an understatement.

But she informed me today that she will be going with someone else. Because although I am growing, she just doesn't know if I have changed enough. Not enough for her to feel comfortable with me leading the production of her movie.

I am not mad at her. This film is her baby, and she felt the need to protect it.

Even though I have changed, I DO ACCEPT that their are consequences to my actions.

Nothing is forever. It doesn't mean my 2nd chance will never happen now.

But it's in my friends hand's now. I can keep showing my best self and she will have to make the decision to believe them or not.

And for some reason that made me think of X. If she keeps showing me her best self, then it's up to me to believe it.

The question is how to still protect myself? What are good boundaries for me? When am I honest with her vs When do I trust her?

I'm sure I'm thinking about this way too much. But I always believed things happen for a reason.

In some ways I am thankful I haven't heard from x this week. It's always nice to take a break and get a new perspective.

[~ kd ~]

Is she initiating most of the contact?

A "2nd chance" for what?

Does she deserve it? Sure, as you say everyone deserves a second chance. The question is, does she actually want a second chance, or you putting that idea out there as something YOU want?

I think... If she wants a second chance... you'll know it... If all she wants is to be friends... ever... COULD you be OK with that?

[Valeska19]

Yes she is. I would even say that she is keeping the conversation going when I think I've wrapped it up.

Let me clarify. I'm NOT talking about a 2nd chance at our marriage or geting back together.

Your questions are fair KD... and the fact that they sting means there is truth behind it.

Do I necessarily want to get back together with her.. no...

but do I want to know what it's like to have a relationship with her that's not negative or not the addict/enabler duo.. yes

I don't know if I could be friends with her... because I never knew X before she was an alcoholic, before she treated me bad caz she hated herself, before the emotional abuse.

I always wanted to. Always wondering what she would be like if she was "healthy". Now she seems to be getting there and I'm scared sh!tless. I really am.

Yes it is not alot of contact.. but its ALOT of contact for me. It's alot of her caring now when she couldn't the last two years.

I do a fair job of playing it cool to her.. but I just don't trust her. There is a huge part of me that wants to sit and down and go "my turn". Not to hurt her, but I just feel like she needs to put in the work for us to ever work.. even as friends.

I don't think she is there yet... otherwise she wouldn't have said "I don't want it to feel like pressure". Well it's gonna feel like pressure when there is internal work to do!

I'm rambling... but some days I wish it was still us not talking. I know that sounds ridiculous, but in some ways I really am at a loss here.

Yes I am standing back... letting her initiate contact.. and DBing... but it don't change the fact that I'm fearful. It doesn't stop this deep urge inside me that wants to protect myself.

[~ kd ~]

That sounds fair, Val.

You know me, I only push you to dig.

Fear that you will care for her again? Fear that she may actually want an intimate R again? Or worse, fear that she may want nothing except the friendship or strictly professional R?

The honest, brutal truth for me? There are people that I don't care for and will always keep at arms length. There are only two people that I can think of that I intend to avoid for the rest of my life and those are people that I cared deeply for, and was rejected by. I will keep them at arms length only because I will not risk being rejected by them specifically, ever again.

You are far more brave than I am, Val. Which is why I feel comfortable badgering you.

[Valeska19]

Fear that I will care - Yes.. I already do.

Let's be honest - I'm a super emotional person. I can't have really deep conversations with people and not care about them instantly. I don't do acquaintances very well. When I connect like that - I instantly want to get to know them more, spend more time with them.

Does that mean contact with them all the time... no... but I don't feel like x and I can even hang out. Like suggesting it would be me chasing her.


Fear that she may actually want to intimate an R - Not really.

Fear of only being friends? That's what i would prefer right now.

Worse Fear - That she hasn't really changed after all. Fear that when things get uncomfortable or too tough - she will stop all contact again.

Or that she will put me down... OR that she will push me away.

I don't have those fears with everyone I meet. But she has given me reason.

So I'm trying to protect myself from that. I'm just not sure how I can do that and be true to myself... other than to not talk to her.