Oh my gosh! How lovely to log in and see all these posts. Thank you so much, ForeverYoung, Subguy, Tori, Ryfkat, and Ruby (that took a little figuring out) for dropping by.
The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous. Without me being in the slightest bit prepared for this, I opened the door to a bailiff 24/04/13. H owes the inland revenue 63k H had just taken S13 on holiday to Portugal--the last thing he should have been doing.
H then started drinking again and lying about it. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when he got mugged and had his laptop stolen and came home completely plastered. The next morning he decided that something had to change.
Since then, I've been working really hard to see how to get ourselves out of this financial mess. Through loans, help from my brother and my taking over my late mother-in-law's house, I can sort of see a way through. I'm more in control of finances and will know exactly what we have coming in. H has started going to Debtors Anonymous and has stopped drinking (for now). He's also upped his AD dose (which he'd lowered in January).
To my utter amazement, I've managed not to get pissed off at him and he feels that I've been supportive and on his side. There are times when I really had to leave the room because if I'd stayed in the same room as him I could have hit him. I was especially angry when I realised that his credit rating was affecting mine since he's a financial associate of mine. His comment was, "Welcome to the real world". I left the room and was quiet the next day. In the end, he realised and apologised for his words. At times, he's been appreciative. At others, he's just into his own thing.
Life feels busy. I've had loads of meetings with banks, mortgage brokers, solicitors, accountants... I've also had to do things such as organise gas checks for the two flats that H was (mis)managing. The tenants aren't paying market rent. He doesn't have their deposit in a tenancy deposit scheme. The insurance isn't valid because it's conditional on a tree surgeon visiting the property and H has never organised one. Becoming a landlord is a steep learning curve but getting things in order is satisfying. I like the fact that I will pretty much know what we have coming in as opposed to believing H when he says we can afford x, y or z.
D15 is sitting her GCSEs and fretting quite a bit about them. S18 feels like a handful. Yesterday was his last day of school so they had muck-up day and he started drinking at 7am. He's also met a girl which stresses me as he has his A2 exams starting in 10 days. He had some cartilage piercing done this morning which I don't like. S13 (special needs) is doing fine. At least, he won't be getting things pierced.
I'm trying to practice Sandi's rules and keep DBing. I think H is ashamed and embarrassed about the mess he got himself into and so often stays away from me. He's not touching me at all and really not interacting much. We're not watching anything together at the moment. He's particularly unhelpful when it comes to domestic stuff. On the other hand, I've noticed that he's in better spirits overall and has recently started to seek me out for a tiny bit of light conversation. Yesterday is the first day in ages that he went to the gym. He's gained weight and snores quite badly again. My theory is that he snores when he gains weight. I think there is a tipping point. Then again, I figure that he's quit drinking so I need to give him a break. I haven't mentioned his weight gain.
I do sometimes fantasise about life without H but for now I'm choosing to DB.
Thank you so much all of you for keeping this board going. It is such an amazing resource. I'll catch up with as many of you as possible over the next few days.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Hey Wendylon nice to here from you.....but oh good grief you really have been put through it these last few weeks.
You sound like you have handled everything perfectly. Kept calm, been pro-active in sorting out the problems and resisted the temptation to call H every name under the sun (which would probably have been justified). Certainly don't know that I could have reacted so well.
H sounds like he is in an awful place and he is a very lucky man that you are supporting him. With everything else in your life you truly are an amazing woman. I am sure he will realise this one day.
So glad that you are okay and lovely to hear from you. Make sure to take care of you in all this madness you deserve some pampering.
You know, considering all you've been going through you sound like you're in a really good place right now. I'm truly impressed. You are a DB superstar for sure, and this will not go unnoticed by H.
Continued best wishes for you guys.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you v much, Ryfkat, NLW and ForeverYoung, for your nice words.
I still think that H is slowly warming up as I continue GAL and being more detached. He wanted to show me a YouTube clip yesterday. I no longer ask him questions when he's in his study and just figure that he's occupied so go about my own thing even though it's tempting to ask him for information or help when he's in there. A couple of times recently I've noticed that he's come out of his study when he's heard me in the kitchen and initiated conversations himself. He often asks if I've heard from my mother or my father or a sibling.
At one point today, he muttered 'sweetheart' and because I hadn't heard properly I asked him what he'd said. He told me and then said he was referring to S13. I said jokingly that I'd figured that and then he said well it's also true of you. I was so stunned that I said nothing.
He's back to napping a lot and sleeping much more generally now that his AD dose is back up. I figure that it's better than being depressed and drinking even though historically his low energy gets on my nerves. It helps me to remind myself that he's probably doing the best he can and that I might be sleeping loads if my brain were wired like his.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendylon! I thought you weren't coming back. I've also been super busy, so I'm not reading or posting that much... So sorry about the financial mess, though. I am impressed with the way you have handled things. You're such a treasure. Your H is doing the best he can do with the information that he has now. Choose to see him as an innocent child who does not know better, but also make sure you take care of the finances. Love to you!
Thank you very much, SD and Tori, for your encouragement. I will come to visit you soon.
It occurred to me that I'm not 100% that H went to Debtors Anonymous on Sat. He reddened slightly when I asked him about it. He says he's going to the gym at some point today and I'm really not sure if that's true. I've decided though that I don't want to think about what he'd doing and not doing. If he wants to lie to impress me, he can do it because I just don't want to waste energy trying to figure it out nor do I want to back him into a corner where he has to admit he's lying. I'm just going to get on with my life as best I can. He is like an overgrown child. Maybe we all are in some ways...
Off to see a friend for coffee now.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendy, as long as your financial future is not at risk, you are doing the right thing. He's already seeing the consequences of his actions, so he should learn something out of this.
I think a key element for recovery in your M is trust. You both need to be able to trust the other to have open and honest communication. Think of ways to build trust, and remember it's a slow process.
Trust is an issue. Last night H went out with university friends of his to the theatre and supper. I wasn't included which didn't really matter as I don't really like doing things in groups and don't know these friends. Before he went out, he mentioned about how he wasn't going to drink. He got in at 1.30+ and had obviously been drinking. He put his head under the blanket so I wouldn't smell!
This morning, he asked if I was OK and I responded that I was worried about him and his drinking. He quickly rolled over to end the conversation. Since then, he's been avoiding me. If he takes his laptop upstairs and I go up, he heads downstairs again. I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything about the drinking. I hate how he doesn't seem to like being around me. Sometimes I'm to blame but at other times I think it's because he's embarrassed about his own actions and just anticipates that I'll give him a hard time when in fact he is.
He wants to talk to me about trips he wants to go on this summer--possibly with S13. I don't understand why he's always looking into going away. It costs and what's the problem with staying home...
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
H had just taken S13 on holiday to Portugal--the last thing he should have been doing.
you deserve some pampering.