LOL. How am I still single? By choice. I like my life and the freedom. For a while before the trouble with ex, I felt like I was taking care of three teens - my two kids and my ex. It happened fast, but it was absolutely draining to watch that train-wreck and be part of it. The initial feelings of loneliness have long since passed and although I enjoy the company of friends and dating, I am in no rush to get re-married. I've met some great people and dated some great ladies, some for longer than others. Really good times. Life is good and full for me but I recognize I need the time to rebuild my life without my ex (20 years - takes a while to re-build after that and I'm in no hurry.)
I don't think your H knew he was "done". I think he is just fubar'd. I think he did know he wanted to date and couldn't married to you, but likely was conflicted and didn't know why. Enter the "creative reasons" phase where he brought up how you didn't lick the stamps properly before putting them on the envelopes, or how you drink your water with three ice-cubes instead of four. Or how you would pet the dog with your left hand instead of your right hand. I mean, really? What's wrong with you?? I think in my case, if I heard the babbling and incoherent sentences correctly, it was because I didn't take her on a short vacation a few months earlier. Then it was because of how I treated the kids, and then... it changed a lot of times, but you get the picture. It's not really about you. It's not because of you. There were things you could have done better, and are very much willing to do better should you face that again. If that were the real issue, you wouldn't be here on this board, right?
That's what I saw in my own marriage. My ex wanted out, but didn't know why. Her mom saw something was wrong. Her answer was to bring brazil nuts in case it was dietary (did I mention we were from California originally?) One of the most helpful things along the way, when I was ready to see it, was that my MC/IC saw ex at the earlier stage of her drop off the crazy diving board into the crazy pool (is she crazy? Not really. Rather, she's human but acts crazy sometimes.) It helped me gain perspective and see that it's not about me. We both saw we were a happy couple a few months prior to the BD. We both saw her want to leave and date other people, and then later start blaming me. A little while after that she turned to anger and distrust of me, but both the MC and I knew what she was like prior to that on a short time before. It was as if she worked herself into a frenzy (OCD anyone?) about things, but the underlying emotion wasn't hatred or years of abuse or anything like that. It was just pure selfishness and fear. From there it was a succession of stepping stones to re-remember her past with me, cheat, lie, blame me, walk away from her friends, her husband, and worst of all her kids. If you look back at my posts from that time frame, I had three goals - get her past her depression (I was worried at one point she might kill herself; it was a real possibility), get her to reconnect with the kids, and give her a chance to reconnect with me. What a ride.
Each situation is different, but many of the actions and words are similar, R. I know quite a few people that have undergone the same thing at about the same time I did. I also know several that went through it many many years ago. Some were married for 7-10 years. Some for 30+. All with similar stories.
What you want is your life (as you knew it) back. What you want is a relationship with the H you knew. You want to be able to trust him and to be able to raise a family with him. While you are missing that, he is blame-storming ways to put it all on you and make himself the victim (did I mention I went through that too? I think we all do. That's hurtful.) Not because he is, but because otherwise he has to face what he's doing. By blame-shifting to you, he can be the victim and feel like he "had to leave you - can't you see that!?). Anyone who disagrees will be excommunicated immediately.
It's far more painful if you believe what he says. And while you sift through some of it for truth, you'll feel that pain. If you're like me (I suspect you're better) you'll more quickly filter out the BS and move to the truth remaining. There will be small kernels most likely. Once you see how much BS, you'll wonder if he isn't a lunatic or an alien. But you'll also see the hurt, the confusion, and the struggles and you'll realize it's not about you or the kids at all. You guys are sadly paying the price for his lack of skill at this transition.
One last thing: you imagine all kinds of things about what's he is thinking, doing, etc. I assure you, you do not know. If you look at what he said, he expected you to do something different than you did. That implies he intended and planned and likely put a lot of effort into figuring out all the angles and retorts and arguments etc.. Like a chess player. That works as long as you remain in the game and let him lead. Once you realize it's not a game worth playing, you walk away from the game and focus on you and him and whether or not you'll continue to do anything with him. No more game playing. That brings sanity back to your life. I could tell you stories, but it's your thread
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think in my case, if I heard the babbling and incoherent sentences correctly, it was because I didn't take her on a short vacation a few months earlier. Then it was because of how I treated the kids, and then... it changed a lot of times, but you get the picture. It's not really about you. It's not because of you. There were things you could have done better, and are very much willing to do better should you face that again. If that were the real issue, you wouldn't be here on this board, right? 
