My world got turned upside down

[NLW]

Hi Limbowife,

I've been where you are.

The letters from the bank about mortgage default... the H who was completely in charge of our finances.

I kept thinking he'd come to his senses. I simply could not believe it was really happening to me. In some senses, I still can't, almost 2 years later.

My disbelief and utter blindsidedness kept me from following good advice about proceeding quickly to get legal advice.

I'd say that you need to go to see some lawyers pretty much straight away.

If you don't have a source of income to pay for the mortgage yourself, you need to be protected from the craziness that is very likely to come.

I always thought i'd be pushing my H further away by putting legal provisions in place. Looking back, i don't think it would have made a difference. He was going to do this and there was nothing I could have done that would have stopped him. You need to protect yourself first.

And he needs to see some consequences, not from you, but from 'life' - i.e., you don't just walk out on a mortgage, and you don't just throw a spouse out on the street.

Armor-up LimboW, this is going to be the fight of your life. But you can do it. We're all here to help.

[RosaLinda]

Excellent advice NLW. Limbo, maybe you are still on moderation, so we cannot see your responses yet. But please follow NLW's advice. You are in for a rough ride and need to protect yourself

Linda M

[willbwell]

I'm in your same shoes... This too is my story. H has taken care of all finances for our 22years together. I've done the children, school and home activities. I keep saying to myself, but surely H will do right by me and the kids(youngest is disabled) The vets are probably shaking their heads at me. I have made copies of our financial docs(taxes).This is just another headache(heartache) to me.
My S's say nothing to or about their dad. Sometimes I wish they would! I know it bothers them....

[Limbowife]

He was here today to get the rest of his things and told me details about the skank junkie he is with now. He actually sold his truck to pay for rehab for her. $1500 that was supposed to fix our central air. And he is buying cigarettes and diapers for her 2 and 3 year olds. WHAT???? He can't even be man enough to parent his own children. He won't even deal face to face with his own kids. He also went on to tell me what an awful person I was for the last 20 years and how I had everything and I threw it all away. Now I am reliving everything I ever did wrong and what if I did screw it all up and it is my fault?? How can it hurt this bad and yet I am still breathing??? He gets to get in his car and drive away to his happy skank junkie perfect life and I am here to deal with everything and try to reason with my kids about an unreasonable situation. It hurts so bad and just keeps hurting more. I am so very tired.... Thanks for listening..

[dbmod]

^

[SFC_Swede]

Limbowife...DO NOT, I repeat...DO NOT listen to anything your H is saying. It is a form of emotional abuse, and him laying his guilt off on you! I know you are in pain, shock, and disbelief...but you need to lawyer up ASAP! You need to protect yourself, and not allow your H to just walk away from his responsibilities.

Listen to NLW and the others. These W's have either been or are going through the same exact thing. You did an admirable job as a W, and deserve to not be discarded so easily. And while you may not keep your H, he needs to feel the consequences of his behavior...meaning supporting you through Alimony.

[NLW]

Hey LW,

Just to reinforce what SFC had to say.

What your H is spewing is script.

Mine came up with the same thing. His business failures were all my fault; I was a horrible person, etc.

This, after he initially kept apologising for being such a failure and a scumbag.

Somehow, he managed to turn it all around and blame me for everything.

You'll hear the same thing over and over the more you read on here.

Do NOT take it personally.

This stuff does hurt so bad that it's hard to believe you can survive.

But you will; we are here for you and we know what it's like.

Please understand that it does get better with time, but it hurts so much and is so fair in the meantime.

Try to take back some control where you can. This certainly helped me to feel better. Get some advice about your financial sitch and take care of yourself as well as you can.

Right now, get some sleep too. You are right, this is totally exhausting and you need to recognise the importance of nurturing yourself.

You have an important job to do: looking after yourself and your kids in this very hard time. You can do it.

Best, NLW.

[Limbowife]

Thank you all for the support and advice. He has went thru all of the money we had in the last 3 months. We have nothing. We have always had financial issues and now he says it is all my fault because I didn't get an outside job. He never wanted me too. I can't eat sleep or even think complete rational thoughts. NLW thanks for your words. I am holding on to them like a lifeline. SFC thank you for making me feel less worthless. LindaM your kind words are so nice to read. I feel like a loser that has let my kids down. Do I even dare have any hope that H will ever be rational and work on being with us again?? Willbwell I am sorry we are in the same boat. I do not know who this man is that I have shared my life with and I miss my old H so much. I have no one in my real life that I can talk to and you guys are wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[RosaLinda]

Limbo, remember in your first post you said that you feel as if you H is an actor, reading a script in the MLC book?

Well all the nasty things he said to you are part of the script, not real. I know how how much they hurt. We all do, because all of us on this board have had that script read to us. 

My DB coach says the MLCer is confused and afraid. He compared the MLCer's brain to some who was white water rafting, and fell out of the raft. It is useless to try to have a rational conversation with them, because they are just trying to keep from drowning. 

I know how your brain is reeling and how you feel as if you were punched in the stomach. I know that you probably feel like vomiting. 

It will be hard, but try not take it personally. Try to detach from the situation. You need to protect yourself financially and legally. Talk to a lawyer to learn your rights concerning your house. Take care of your health -- eat, sleep, get a bit of exercise. 

And I would advise you to read Sandi2's 37 Rules. They will help you to deal with your H, and not make things worse between you. 

God bless you. 

[SFC_Swede]

My main concern right this second is with you Limbowife. Your mental health and outlook. It is one of the most painful things you are going through at this point, but you need to realize that all of these hurtful things your H is saying are more of a deflection of his own personal guilt and failures, than a reflection of you, and how your M is and/or was.

I spent the last 9 yrs trying to hold my M together after my W's PA. I made great changes to my character and behavior...but in the end on May 1st 2013, I too received the massive BD and finality and death of our M. I have heard many of the same things you have, and it crushed me. To sit there and listen to them act as if they have been a captive held against their will, and not remembering one single good time you spent together is baffling to us.

But I have learnt in the past month that life does indeed go on, and that I needed to start living for me, instead of trying to please my W all the time. I started hitting the gym again, talking to new people, and giving my W space. Things are far from repaired or perfect, but have gotten to where we are at least civil to one another, and I feel better about myself.

As hard as it is...detach from your H, and focus on you.