A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

Maritimer –

Your post really touched me... I can feel your pain and can see how much you are missing your kids. On top of that, you didn’t choose to be in this situation - your W left, so why should you now be punished by not seeing your kids, or financially…

I do believe my case is a bit different, though and I share it so you can see that things are not always as easy or black and white as they seem. I am not trying to convince you of anything, just sharing with you another perspective...

When my H left, he said he wanted a D and I’d have to support myself because he didn’t want anything to do with me. Our girls were 2 and 3 and I was 9 weeks pregnant at the time (and he knew it).

He went into party mode and would come visit the girls whenever it worked with his schedule, unplanned and unannounced. Sometimes he had dinner with us, sometimes he would just crash on the sofa. Often times he was only immersed in his texts with OW and leave the girls watching TV... This went on until I set boundaries for when he could come into my home and asked that he left his phone in his car. He accused me of being irrationally jealous and trying to control him.

When he moved out, he had a completely empty spare bedroom at his place, yet didn’t get furniture for the girls or had them spend the night until months after moving out. A month before our son was born, I asked if he was getting ready for his arrival. He said he didn’t realize the baby would also spend the night with him, that he didn’t have a crib. He added he was unsure if he could handle all three kids at once. In the end, he agreed to having all spend the night, still only during the weekend because it would be too much for him during the week since he was working and I wasn't.

The first time he brought up 50/50 custody to me was after he talked to a lawyer (and denied it). He brought me a settlement proposal to figure things out “without fighting and lawyers.” We’d share 50/50 custody, he would give me no alimony (although I was legally entitled to 6-7 yrs. of it) and we would split all children’s costs “50/50.” The way it would work was that I would need to separate all my living expenses between what I spent when I had the kids, vs. when I didn’t - and he would contribute to 50% of kids' expenses for only the time they were with me. This included gasoline, groceries, etc.

When he first asked for 50/50 custody, I was also unsure if that was the best for the kids and told him so. From a purely practical standpoint, how was I going to be nursing a newborn if he wasn’t with me for 50% of the time? Yet I also knew that the kids need their father too. I was very confused so I talked to two therapists on my own. I wanted to make sure I was being fair and not acting from a place of anger or control.

They both said that given how so very young the girls were, and due to the fact that I'd also have an infant shortly, that is was not advisable to have the kids going back and forth between two homes, resulting from a 50/50 split. At the time, my H was also traveling frequently for work and to see OW, which made the situation even more complex.

When I told my H, he was livid and started accusing me of wanting to control him and taking the kids away. I tried to convince him, but failed. I then asked him to go see a counselor together so we could both state our case. I promised him beforehand that I would abide by whatever the counselor’s final recommendation was; and that if that meant 50/50 custody, I would do it. And I meant it…

The counselor came back with the same opinion – 50/50 wasn’t the best for our kids at least for the next few years.

We have agreed to a temporary 65/35 custody arrangement, yet he is still very unhappy about it.

I used to invite H to join us during our outings and invited him to come to my place. He always declined and I reached a point where that wasn't working for my detachment either, so I don't invite him anymore. Needless to say, he never invites me either.

H says "how can anyone in their right mind say that it's best not to let a father be with his kids 50% of the time." I get why he is upset, yet I have chosen to trust the experts given our situation...

At the end of the day, and even if I am making a mistake, I know my intentions re. custody have always been to do what is best for the kids, so I am good with all of this and have learned to detach from my H’s anger about the issue.

Yet that doesn't mean I don't empathize with a parent wanting to be with their kids and I don't doubt that he loves them.

As for his intentions re. asking for 50/50 custody… His own actions since he left have made me doubt if he is not just financially or selfishly motivated. Yet since that is outside my sandbox, I have continued operating from a place of doing what is best for the kids since that is all I can control...


thanks for stopping by. It's time to start a new thread, so please visit me there!