Clay, I'm a reformed alcoholic. I know the battle that addiction plays in life. I haven't had a drink in about thirty years. I started drinking as a teen, it felt good. In the army it became a ritual. I pretty much drank myself out of the Military Police and that's not easy to do! I fought my way back, little by little. I built a damn good life and you will too. Take it one day at a time and remember you are not your addiction. Congrats on having the courage to stop and re-build. It's all uphill from here
you are on the same thinking path as me. its actually what i asked my IC on thursday to help me focus on. to help me find a gray area in things. i tend to see things in black and white when it is me that im dealing with. with others i have no problem seeing the gray. empathizing with them, understanding that things happen. helping them see the upside in situations and that they dont have control over everything. when it comes to me personally, its all or nothing. when someone does me wrong, i dont care why or what they do to get my trust back. i go into ultra protect mode. i see the things i have done in my life as good or bad. nothing else. for the life of me i cant figure out how to cut myself some slack. i really need to find that middle ground that you speak of. any thoughts are always appreciated. i really like brainstorming. goes with my problem solving nature.
as far as the trusting myself thing.. alot of that is addiction related. my decision making skills are lacking alot of the time. i am addicted to any kind of instant gratification. it is actually a huge step for me to turn down these women who want to fool around right away. i do it because i have found out through all my reading in this sitch that alot of women tie emotional feelings to sex. i do not. usually. i no longer want to be "that guy". so when it comes to trusting my intuition, i have been doing alot of second guessing. alot of these "crazies"i speak of, i never would have talked to if i just trust my gut. i think that goes with my no gray area thinking too. im not sure. i also second guess myself because of my XW. why did i trust her? why did i want to forgive her, no matter what? why do i still think about her? why do i miss our old life? i have answers for a few of those but not all..lol
i want to be with a wonderful, loving woman for the rest of my life. share all the great things that life has to offer. share all the bad times, and get through them together, becoming a stronger couple. that fairy tale crap you read about..lol i think that in order for that to happen, i need to continue being the best man i can possibly be. everyday. only then i believe, will god let me find that woman. she is out there. somewhere. im starting to think she is more than likely NOT in South Dakota!! lmao!!! and yes, so far i find my journey extremely worthwhile. it isn't all roses, but i wouldnt change where i am headed for anything.
Wii-
thank you for your support. and for sharing that with me. it is hard for me to share personal things about myself and my addictions with people as i am not proud of alot of the things i have done. that really helped what you said about remembering i am not my addiction. that is a way i have never looked at it. i have stopped my craziness and turned alot of focus onto re-building my life. the promises to do come true if you have the courage to stick it out and do the work. i see it at every meeting i go to. which is alot by the way..lol i'm glad it is an uphill battle. i don't place any value on things that come easy. when i really have to work hard and fight for something, that is when i really appreciate them.
I think it's a matter of really believing that we have value. If love is based on our works then it's not love! Who wants that anyway. I always feel I don't have the right to say no, that little voice in my head screams "selfish, selfish,selfish". I read somewhere that when you say no, don't explain because when you explain it gives the other person a chance to negotiate...and they'll get their way. So true, I remember once telling SDA Lady that I did not want to take her downtown for a job interview by public transit because I was too tired and needed to pick up my daughter from gymnastics. SDA lady did not know the way. She said "couldn't D15 take a cab?" I said "she could but she's not going to!" Then she wanted me to take her to the interview and leave her if it was too late. Then she hit me sweetly with "Well, if you don't want me to take this job then I won't" Ooh, manipulation at it's finest. Finally, I agreed saying I'd take her but at 7:30 pm she was on her own. I always felt so responsible for her life and that was one time I actually raised an objection. I could have said "Why don't we look up the route, you go a bit earlier and ask someone if you get lost" Duh, never occurred to superboyfriend...and the interview was a few days away! It's hard to think "I'm gonna say no and they're gonna love me anyway cuz I'm damn well worth it!" Wow, I have a dream....
thanks for sharing that. at least i know it isnt just a guy thing. i did the best i could at performing for my XW. i never told her no. i didnt want to feel selfish. i also didnt want to deal with the fight. if she wanted to dpend money we didnt have i i never said no. for 1, i bought $10 in beer everyday, and 2, it was just easier to go to work and work longer hours to make up for the spent money. looking back i feel dumb..lol it created this black hole spending woman. she knew i would just work longer. it was killing me. working 60+ hours a week gets old. it also led to her biggest complaint. i was never home. she likes to bring that up to this day. and here i am, not wanting the fight or to look selfish, so i just apologize. never did i say, i would have been home if you could balance a checkbook. and she is an accountant. smh.. then when she sees that complaint losing steam, her other favorite is, if i wasnt a drunk, she wouldnt have had to cheat on me.. the count of OM is up to 8 now. and not just recently. my IC says to not let what she says bother me. yeah, great.. i would love if it didnt..lol
oh yeah... they played like garbage last night. looks like mr and your rangers fan could have used a shoulder to cry on last night..lol it's ok though, cuz they are heading back to the Joe tomorrow. will be nice to see them take it on home ice!
Wii-
since it looks like we have alot of the same thought patterns, my question for you is this, what are you doing to change it? my IC says stuff to me, but i just dont get it. it seems too out there, or talk with no action. idk.. im a really slow learner when it oomes to feelings and behaviors. that's why i like AA. there is a set plan on how to stay sober. it is simple yet requires alot of work. it is something i can do and feel satisfaction out of doing.
Clay, you're asking the right questions. Living in the gray is difficult because we want firm ground under out feet. Without that fear sets in.
There is no firm ground, life is day to day. And every day is a chance to learn more and do things differently.
It's helped me to realize that when I made "bad" choices it was because of my crap. I wanted to get rid of my painful feelings and put them on someone else, blame someone else. That's what most people do, react the way they always have because they don't know a better way. Their actions have more to do with them than you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Good thoughts Labug. What am I doing? Sweet d*** all at the moment lol. I'm steering clear of women What I have done since the break up is talk to people, show my vulnerability and trust that others care and will love me, despite not being Mr. Perfect. Last night, I drove to my friend's place, who is in my church small group, and told him "I'm hurting right now" That was not easy. When I decided to end the R with SDA Lady I went to another friend and shared how I was feeling with her. I'm showing myself to others at my weakest point and letting them take care of me for a bit...and I'm surviving. I have this fear that if I show weakness people will not want me or will pound me into the ground. I'm better at taking care of them. So, this is a start.
bug- thanks for stoppin by. you seem to come in at the right moments all the time. you are right. without the "firm ground"it gives fear a chance to set in. my whole life i have prided myself on being afraid of nothing. im coming to realize that i am actually afraid of being afraid. does that make sense? it sounds really stupid now that i think about it. when i feel nervous or "afraid" i automatically throw up the walls and go to my inner brave place where nothing touches me and i will do anything. i do that at work alot. i did that in prison alot. now i do it in group when its time to talk about feelings. i am only harming myself by not allowing myself to be vulnerable i think. it takes alot out of me on a daily basis to always be "strong".
i guess people can act how they want and i shouldnt worry so much? uggghhh i feel dense sometimes.
Wii- i never tell people im hurting. i try to be mr. perfect. i dont want people to think i cant do something. my whole life i felt like i had something to prove. in reality ive been trying to prove something to myself i think. i am very impressed at the steps you are taking. i cant even imagine it for some reason. i to am afraid of appearing weak. which in my case almost comes down to being afraid to be human. my XW used to yell and scream at me and i would shut down. i would lose all emotion and become very calm. she would then yell at me, "are you a robot? are you even human?" little did she know that when i get like that i am exerting every ounce of self control i have not to do something stupid. with her it would have been to say something i would forever regret. i used to fight alot when i was younger, because of various situations. people learned that when i was deathly calm, that is when i was the most dangerous. i got a wierd, sick sense of pleasure out of that reputation.
i believe that i am emotionally retarded. i am getting all these new feelings, and instead of shutting down i am really trying hard to feel them. it [censored]. i dont really know what they are and it makes me feel uncomfortable, which then mkes me feel weak and so on. its a vicious cycle.
i am very glad for these boards. i feel like i can open up without being judged. it actually has been helping me for along time. that is why i ask you what you are doing. i like hearing feedback, because then i can attempt to learn things. i am not a huge fan of my IC, but she is court apointed so i am stuck with her. no offense to any women who read this, but i would rather have a man as an IC. i get alot out of my meetings with my sponsor. he is pretty wise for having no formal training. at the same time, some times he can be of no help at all. i am trying to use all the tools at my disposal, so to speak. i am sick of living this way.
Originally Posted By: whatisis
I'm showing myself to others at my weakest point and letting them take care of me for a bit...and I'm surviving.
Clay, alcoholism does create what you call emotional retardation. Often our feelings and social skills got stunted by the booze. When we're sober without our buddy to chug down we have to deal with a world that we couldn't deal with before! Don't worry, you'll catch up. Little steps and then celebrate the successes, don't concentrate on lack. I believe my experience with alcoholism made me a stronger person, one I never would have been otherwise! I'm not saying that I'm glad I was a drunk but it was what it was and now it is what it is Hang in there. We want everything to come as fast as our buzz did lol. Patience is a virtue!
Addiction issues surely make your road tough, don't they? While I don't have your experience, I'm the sister of someone with them, and I hope I can appreciate how tough this is for you.
You mentioned that you might not trust yourself because you made bad decisions in the past. Question for you... do you happen to keep a journal? Heck, even if you journal here, it might help. I do one for different reasons (I keep a gratefulness journal, just to remind myself that I am blessed every single day). But if you could list every night 3 things that you did that helped your cause? Would seeing it in print help you realize that you do more right than you give yourself credit for?
Part of the toughness of any journey is having some tangible reminder of growth. I'm a gray area person, but I still have difficulty seeing the forest for the trees. Hearing it from others is nice, but isn't what I need. So maybe if you have proof every day that you DO make good decisions you can have a little immediate gratification?
Now, to the juicy stuff...
Quote:
i try to be mr. perfect. i dont want people to think i cant do something.
What if I told you that most women I know don't want Mr. Perfect? That we love vulnerability? The key to this is being with someone who will not take advantage of your vulnerabilities. I know that's tough. I have a very difficult time with that too. In fact, it's probably the #1 reason why I'm not in a relationship right now, so know you are not alone. But true intimacy happens when you let your guard down and let a woman see the real you. And yes, Clay, you are good enough.
When you quit trying to be perfect, you'll settle for being really good. That's something we can all apply everywhere.
I absolutely don't take offense to you wishing you had a male IC. Is there any way the courts could assign one to you? I think it's a valid point, and you shouldn't feel bad for having a preference. You men are just wired differently than women, and sometimes it really does take one to know one.
A good woman will appreciate you flaws and all. Keep up the good work, and stick with your learning. You're doing a great job!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey