Time for the Loop the Loop on this rollercoaster!

[Papa4Life]

Hi SM34. It sounds as if you've decided to seek your own happiness again and live the life that YOU want to live. Bravo.

I think that what Tallula wrote is valid, and it's probably what a lot of people hear from well-meaning friends and family. The problem is, of course, that those people don't have to live with the consequences of that decision and what it would mean in your specific situation.

For some people, it's "1 and done" when it comes to infidelity, but that's not how every one of is feels. There is still a good chance that W will have a change of heart and be willing to work on building a 'new' M together. You can get past this.

But to give yourself a shot at achieving that you must continue to GAL and keep a PMA. You're back on track again and I respect your efforts to keep DBing and to improve your sitch. Keep it up!

[Tallula]

Hi SM34. It sounds as if you've decided to seek your own happiness again and live the life that YOU want to live. Bravo.

I think that what Tallula wrote is valid, and it's probably what a lot of people hear from well-meaning friends and family. The problem is, of course, that those people don't have to live with the consequences of that decision and what it would mean in your specific situation.

For some people, it's "1 and done" when it comes to infidelity, but that's not how every one of is feels. There is still a good chance that W will have a change of heart and be willing to work on building a 'new' M together. You can get past this.

But to give yourself a shot at achieving that you must continue to GAL and keep a PMA. You're back on track again and I respect your efforts to keep DBing and to improve your sitch. Keep it up!

As I said, that is my truth. Never said it had to be his, plus I'm dealing with a serial chaeater. I was willing to work on my M until I found out there was multiple woman in mine. I don't know if an affair is in your sitch, but actually dealing with it is horrible and tramatic. I would NEVER tell anymore to leave or stay, just that trying to figure out the why's isn't going to fix or change anything. All it does is drive you nuts.

We have all been around since the beginning of his sitch and for me and many others, we don't see any change in his sitch since his wife is a total cake eater and SM is allowing her to live in their home, not work, have an emotional relationship with him WHILE carrying on a open affair in which she drives over an hour away and stays with this man 2 nights a week. I care about SM and his M, but I see what she is doing to him as abusive. I only suggest SM would set a boundary to protect and respect himself. Many others have as well.

[leopoldstotch]

I agree very strongly with Tallula and Gabbysmom. SMs W knows exactly what she is doing. There is no fog here. SM you talk a big game about being Alpha well guess what? Allowing your W to live in hour home while actively having a physical affair with another man is pure Beta. As long as you allow her to do this she will and she has zero respect for you. Trust me I know I was there before.

Ive told you before your W loves having all the power/control right now. Until you put up some boundaries she will not stop having an affair on you.Your W is not going to just come to her senses. Rarely does that happen. She is being feed her cake by you SM.

[GH31]

Allowing your W to live in hour home while actively having a physical affair with another man is pure Beta.

It's not Beta, not even close.

It's Omega, the very last letter in the Greek alphabet.

Beta would be a vast improvement on where you currently are, SM34.

As long as you allow her to do this she will and she has zero respect for you. Trust me I know I was there before.

Yep.

She has zero respect for you (and you have none left for yourself) as surely as night follows day. Please stop needing to be needed.

TAKE THE POWER BACK.

[Starsky309]

I agree very strongly with Tallula and Gabbysmom. SMs W knows exactly what she is doing. There is no fog here. SM you talk a big game about being Alpha well guess what? Allowing your W to live in hour home while actively having a physical affair with another man is pure Beta. As long as you allow her to do this she will and she has zero respect for you. Trust me I know I was there before.

Ive told you before your W loves having all the power/control right now. Until you put up some boundaries she will not stop having an affair on you.Your W is not going to just come to her senses. Rarely does that happen. She is being feed her cake by you SM.

BINGO.


Starsky

[SM34]

You are all absolutely right.

I have really started to move towards that. I took of my wedding band last week and it has been a liberating experience. I love being married, and I love my wife, and I love my wife. But im starting to find respect for myself.

My wifes birthday is in 2 weeks. Also this weekend is,memorial day. Im going to use Sandi's advice, as well as the advice from Cunninghams book and start being as spomtaneous as possible. I want to show her I can be a lot of fun.

I was going with the approach used by Dr Harley, as well as advice from my DB coach, to kind of compete with her affair partner.

Needless to say, that hasnt had the desired effect. Dr Harley recommends six months to one year in this position (when wayward spouse is a female, and much shorter for cheating husbands).

We are coming up on six months in a few days and I dont see many signs of change. I mean I see little things but only actions to try to keep me waiting....nothing more.

After her birthday, I am going to Start a different approach where I go limites contact. Also need to find a smart way to ask or tell her she has to move out.

Not sure where that would head to, but I have a strong suspicion it will burst her bubble and be a huge wake up call. I need to hold on to what little respect I have for her or a reconcilliation will be impossible.

Any thoughts as to how to tell her to move? I thought about telling her the truth which is that this is too painful for me, and that it gives our daughter the,message that this is acceptable behavior. And its not! Mommies and daddies dont sleep in separate rooms and dont gave boyfriends either.

Thoughts?

[sandi2]

Any thoughts as to how to tell her to move? I thought about telling her the truth which is that this is too painful for me, and that it gives our daughter the,message that this is acceptable behavior. And its not! Mommies and daddies dont sleep in separate rooms and dont gave boyfriends either.

Then tell her! It is time to stop with all the different programs, techniques, various books and different forms and the M advice given. You have been told that the advice from MB often collides with advice in DB. You have bounced around so much that you must look to her like you've lost your mind! And now you've decided to compete with OM?

I don't think you should be trying to have fun with your WW. I think you should tell her you will no longer finance her affair. I think you should tell her that you will no longer take her calls when she is with OM.......and neither will she be speaking to her child she left to go screw her AP.

I think you should see a lawyer to see about your chances of child custody and other legal advice. If you are serious about ending this, you won't mince words. You lay it out to her in a very firm stance, IMO. Tell her you've lost respect and trust in her. Don't tell her how much it has hurt you. Tell her she ends the A right now or to pack her bags and to leave her child the same place she leaves her when she goes to OM. Tell her you want a better role model for for your little girl.

Of course, that's not what your DB coach would advise. Like I said, you have to decide who to listen to and stick with them, instead of jumping back and forth. And in your case, you don't need to take some advice you've read on another thread or forum and decide to try it out to see how it works for you. Things have gone on too long with all of that to have much influence.

But if you tell her to leave, you better be strong enough to back it up. What if she refuses? What then? Better have it thought out. Don't "use" it as a gimmic, hoping she will fall into your arms begging for forgiveness. That seldom happens.

[SM34]

Sandi thank you for the quick response. Yes this has gone on way too long.

I need to touch base with my DB coach and see what she thinks.

As for mixing approaches from other forums, I see your point. But also I just want to point out that,my DB coach had the same position. That is, to show my wife that I am a better.option, to show her how desirable she is to me, to make her feel loved and appreciated. Thats pretty much competing with the OM just not in the exact same words as Dr Harley.

I have done a lot of reading over the last few months and I find a lot of the advice is similar even on different forums or books.

I think ALL marriage saving experts agree that you should show your strengts for some time before you move to the next stage.

In DBing that is a 180 followed by no contact or limited contact. In Dr Harleys world, its the carrot followed by the stick. Its really all the same. Not really mixing approaches, just giving her things to think about, like an attorney would do in his closing arguments infront if a jury.

There have been some strange things happening from my wife. For example yesterday when she found out her usual plan of Sunday to Tuesday with OM was not happening since day care is closed on Monday, she didnt seem bothered.

then she started messaging with I assume OM who may have put pressure on (minding reading a little). Then she messaged,me after I went to work that she had arranged for her mom to pickup D3 from day care and keeo her for the night and she was off to OMs.

Then she saud she packed a bag for D3.and asked if I can pick it up after work and bring it to her moms. But she didnt like the idea of,me picking up D3 then passing,by home to get the bag, then dropping her off at her moms.

She said she didnt want D3 to come home and,'realize she was gone'.

Interesting. Wife has not really cared if D3 realizes she is gone.

Plus, what does she think is the future of all of this. She clearly has no concept of a divorce and what that would look like.

She has also expresses doubts about OM to her best friend (who is working hard to get us to work it out, and prays for that every day). So she COULD be having second thoughts.

Either way, I think a separation would be good for her. She has to miss,me, and also see that yes we,may have done a few things wrongly in our marriage, but overall we had something good that we can work on.

Im trying to stay a little positive until after her birthday so I can be fun and spontaneous and unpredictable. After that, I need to pull back and start the reality check.

Another point is that I have NEVER answered her calls when she us with OM. She has tried to call, then messaged,me saying she wants to hear D3 voice. I just tell her she can talk to D3 anytime, just not when she is with OM. I am her father and primary guardian at this point and,my rules are in effect. And she has respected that without a fight, not even one.

[SM34]

Oh and she has told her best friend, and her mom that if I asked her to leave she would go stay with her mom. She wont be putting up any fight on that at all.

My wife (or whatever she is at this point) is actually a goos person inside. I believe she knows what she is doing is wrong and that she is on the wrong path. I believe she subconciously knows but she thinks that these intense feelings for me should happen magically and give her the sign.

Of course we all know that is not how it works. You have to make a conscious decision to practice love for those feelings to return.

[Tallula]

Ok. Here is the deal. I'll try to keep it short, to the point.

11/23/12- BD, ILYBNILWY, Affair, confessed to multiple As during M, says he wants a divorce.
11/23-12/03-I beg, plead, start therapy.
12/03/12-I find DB, read DR, join forum, stop all of the above behaviors.

12/03/12-12/31/2012-My husband complained of an unorganized home, that I was controlling, that I was no longer attracted to him, and that I didn't love him and our M was always terrible. He was overtly mean to me and constantly threatened to move out. I threw myself into ala-non and DBing. 180s, worked on the things in myself that I acknowledged were a problem and bothered me as well. Over the course of the month he saw big changes in me. He acknowledged them, and was angry I was changing. 12/07/12-Found out I'm pregnant. Yep, fun twist. He is happy. I'm mad.

12/31/12-Was called and told he was over at AP's home, I texted him that I knew he was there and that he needed to meet me so we could talk. I calmly and lovingly asked him where he saw this going. He didn't know. He felt torn. Loved me, was afraid we would end up right back where we were and that is why he was still seeing OW. I told him that I wasn't ready to tell him to leave our home, but that I had ground rules. No calling, texting OW in our home. No spending our $ on her and no lying about seeing her. No overnight, etc. I told him I didn't know when this would not be ok with me anymore, but I would let him know. He agreed. Began being nice to me.

1/15/13-cuts off R with OW. Wants to move forward with our R.

1/16/13-won't defriend OW on FB or give me transparency. Not ok with me, so I spend some time thinking about this.

A week later I tell him (calmly & lovingly) that I need these things, or he needs to move out. He won't do them. We make plans for him to move out.

1/31/13-We separate. He wants to date me. I do not, I'm only for monogamy. He is angry. I stop ML to him. Says he is not going to see OW.

2/28/13- Confirmed continued contact with OW.
3/29/13-confirmed more than one OW
4/01/13-I go NC except for kids
4/15/13-He comes to me and says that he is all to blame. Yes, there were things that I had done the year before, but that we had a great R, only in that last year did I let the house go, and that he had to blame me for everything because it was too hard for him to admit that he was the type of guy that just cheats on his wife. No longer wants to be that man.

4/15-5/15-He shows up when he says he is going to for the kids, is kind and loving towards me, I continue limited contact.

5/15/13-have discussion regarding him moving back to the basement once lease is up to help with the baby when it's born and so we don't end up in financial ruin before D. He tells me that he wants to be with me, had completely cut off contact with OW. Brought phone records, passwords, etc. admits to sleeping with multiple woman during our separation. Wants to be only with me, will be honest if he speaks to any OW or slips up and actually sleeps with someone. Never will lie to me again. I told him I was probably ok with him living in our home, but would have to think about a R with him.

Memorial Day Weekend-Plan is to have him stay at our home for the weekend. He shows up with his wedding ring on. Has never worn it our whole marriage. Thats a really big deal. Says that he understands that I may never take him back, but he is going to live like a married man and show me he wants to change. Asks me out on a date night for saturday. I agree, we go and have a blast.

Ok. Bottom line. I have no idea if I will try again with my H. I'm dealing with a serial cheater and sick man. Though he is in counciling and I'm seeing my old H back, for me I'm pretty done. Yesterday he said this. I believe you really need to take note "I really thought I was just done. I had gotten so resentful of you and never thought I'd love you again. I had convinced myself we had a horrible marriage. I was terrible, awful to you. You wouldn't take my junk, but were so loving about it all. I just spun and spun crazy and you kept getting better and stronger. Because of that, I could finally see what was real. When you stopped talking to me, I began to see the truth. I mean, you walked through this with such dignity and grace, how could I not see that I'm the problem. I'm really messed up. I pray that I can make this up to you and haven't screwed us up for good."

I worked on me. I stood up for me, I was true to myself. None of this was a tactic. I came here trying to save my marriage. Then I focused on saving me, my dignity. And now, he is the one trying to get ME back.