Going In Circles

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But hear is the kicker, she keeps bringing up that down the road if she sees true change in me then we can possibly start dating again. this isn't the first time she mentioned this to me.

I am not sure if she is just saying these things so i will be more apt to truly let her go, but it is killing me right now.

I haven't been on this site very long either so I don't have any great advice for you except this - do not give up hope. Maybe your wife is just saying there may be a future but maybe she means it, so if it is worth it to you to repair your marriage it is worth it to you to choose to believe her.

Last night my W and i had to do something that no parents should ever be faced with doing, and that is breaking the hearts of their children.

We sat our S4 and S7 down together and told them we were getting a D.

Our S4 said ok but i get to live with daddy! It seems he is too young to understand, but as time goes on i think the reality of it will sink in.

S7 did not take it well and to watch your children with tears in their eyes try to understand why mom and dad cant fix this is the most difficult thing to have to go through.

I am so sorry you had to do this and that your boys had to experience it.

I know what my 180's are because my W and i actually sat down last week for the first time since BD and told me some of the things that led us to this point.

1. I was too controlling. She would tell me she was going out with friends and she would be home at a certain time. If she was late i would call her and chew her out for always being late.
I have already stopped doing that even before BD.

2. I am miserable at my current job and i would take it out on her when i got home from work. Very bad thing for me to do, but i continued even though i knew it was wrong.
I have sent numerous resumes in to different companies. I need to set more career goals for myself.

3. I expected her to be my only emotional support system. I rarely ever went out with my friends and seemed to always want to sit at home and pout when she wanted to go out with hers.
I have started reconnecting with some of my old friends again and have had a good time with them.

Yes, she has told you exactly what she needs you to work on so this is a great place to start. It will be harder to show her your 180's because you aren't living together. Maybe a vet will weigh in and let you know if you should move back home until the house is sold.

I feel like i should share an example of me backsliding a bit yesterday. My wife texted me yesterday morning while i was at work saying she wanted to wait to tell the boys about the D until Monday when i brought them back from camping. We agreed earlier in the week to tell them friday before i took them for the weekend. Here is how the texts went:

M: have you said anything to the boys about what's going on? I have gotten numerous phone calls the last two days from friends and i hope the boys dont find out until we both tell them.

W: I have not, and i would like to tell them on monday when you bring them home. i have errands to run after work tomorrow. i will have them packed so when you pick them up you can stop at the house and pick up their bags.

M: We need to tell them Friday if we can. I dont want to wait until Monday because then i have to be the one to leave them for the week.

W: We can tell them at 7:30 when i am done working out then. Or come by tonight and we can tell them.

M: I will come over tonight and we can tell them.. Its too bad that working out is more important for you than telling the boys.

W: Yep.

This sounds very controlling. You will not always agree. It will be a very important 180 to learn how to deal with this. Something better may go like this

I feel like i should share an example of me backsliding a bit yesterday. My wife texted me yesterday morning while i was at work saying she wanted to wait to tell the boys about the D until Monday when i brought them back from camping. We agreed earlier in the week to tell them friday before i took them for the weekend. Here is how the texts went:

M: have you said anything to the boys about what's going on? I have gotten numerous phone calls the last two days from friends and i hope the boys dont find out until we both tell them.

W: I have not, and i would like to tell them on monday when you bring them home. i have errands to run after work tomorrow. i will have them packed so when you pick them up you can stop at the house and pick up their bags.

YOU: I understand you are busy and you are trying to get them ready for the trip. My concern would be having to leave the house after we have told them. I would feel like I was abandoning them in a time of need. Can we work something else out to tell them at a time that works for both of us and before they hear about it from someone else?

I wish you the best of luck. I have KD giving me advice on my thread but I also have learned A LOT in a short period of time by reading the threads of other people going through this. By doing this, you will read the advice of the VETS over and over and you will learn quickly. They amaze me with their insights, knowledge and caring. DBing.com is my new Facebook, I spend a lot of time on here just reading, reading, reading and taking their advice and questions and using it in my life and my situation. HANG IN THERE