After a 3 hour text conversation last week, I've been contemplating how much I want to pursue a "friendship" between X and I. Sometimes the thought of all the fears I have to overcome are daunting.
I want to give her another chance. I do believe that she is changing and I couldn't be happier for her. It would be nice to know a x who wasn't an emotional distancer or who didn't put me down to make herself feel better...
... but why? If we are not together.. I do ask myself .. what is the point here?
Perhaps the point is giving a 2nd chance. Because we all deserve them.
I was supposed to work on a feature in June with a good friend/director of mine. Unfortunately last time we worked together was the month of the bomb. To say I was not at my best, is an understatement.
But she informed me today that she will be going with someone else. Because although I am growing, she just doesn't know if I have changed enough. Not enough for her to feel comfortable with me leading the production of her movie.
I am not mad at her. This film is her baby, and she felt the need to protect it.
Even though I have changed, I DO ACCEPT that their are consequences to my actions.
Nothing is forever. It doesn't mean my 2nd chance will never happen now.
But it's in my friends hand's now. I can keep showing my best self and she will have to make the decision to believe them or not.
And for some reason that made me think of X. If she keeps showing me her best self, then it's up to me to believe it.
The question is how to still protect myself? What are good boundaries for me? When am I honest with her vs When do I trust her?
I'm sure I'm thinking about this way too much. But I always believed things happen for a reason.
In some ways I am thankful I haven't heard from x this week. It's always nice to take a break and get a new perspective.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
