Hi golf mom, I don't know if I posted to you before but I was reading above about your exhaustion and this part struck a chord with me:
"I'm tired of the single parent routine. This isn't what I wanted. My life doesn't seem to matter. I'm just here serving everyone else.
Why am I working so hard? My paycheck doesn't give me financial freedom. I'm still dependent on my H. I absolutely hate that.
I'm exhausted and feel completely hopeless. I just don't want this anymore."
I'm not a single mom unless you count all my cats. There were 11 when XH dropped the bomb and then I was financially responsible for them and 2 died and 2 had to be euthanized in the first 2 years after he left for OW. So that was pretty rough. Anyway I remember feeling overwhelmed financially, like my paycheck couldn't possibly cover things, and also emotionally exhausted. The whole "I didn't sign up for this" was something I couldn't get out of my head because I'd never have bought with XH this particular home which was almost impossible for one person to care for (the yard mainly) and which I felt powerless to leave because I'd already lost my bff and lover and husband--was I going to have to leave my home because of what he did? And just so many things about my life that were the way they were because of him came back to haunt me. Our total lack of friends for instance--suddenly I'm living in this town where I've been for over 20 years and have no one to hang out with or go to dinner with because I'd done everything with him. And no family here, the list goes on. I felt like all these things that were my life hinged on his being in it. And trying to keep my head above water was just an effort I couldn't take anymore. "This isn't what I wanted." Indeed!!
But I guess I wanted to tell you that although I felt like that every waking minute of the day, I don't anymore. My divorce was final in Jan. 2011 and I am not in contact with XH. I know I don't have it as bad as others because we didn't have kids. The only time it is tough concerning the cats is if they are sick or dying and it's at the point where even if I feel an impulse to contact him on that I know it's just detrimental to my emotional health so I don't.
But anyway eventually you won't feel so overwhelmed. You really won't. I think you slowly get a handle on your finances and your duties and it does become your life and you can handle it without feeling so drained. I think in many ways the stuff we all suddenly have to handle alone is overwhelming, not because in and of itself it's that hard, but because we have this inner child voice of resentment towards the ex or "life" for making us do this alone. Really you're having a whole lot of "it's not fair" moments. And it's NOT. But once you get out from the "this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out" mode, the things you are having to do alone seem less like a burden and they just "are".
In fact the more independent I've become, the more tuned in I am to how NOT independent a ton of my married female friends are. It's become a sign of empowerment to me now that I do handle being single really well when I know so many women who go from one bad relationship to another because they can't handle "my" life. I think this is one of the lessons I needed to learn from my Xh's mlc, quite honestly.
I remember being so broke it was crazy, and I've taken a lot of chances I wouldn't have otherwise taken as a result of the divorce, and I've found ways to supplement my income, so now 3 years later my income is up 25% from what it was and I can actually spend money on myself again. So what if I don't have my XH to give me flowers or jewelry or whatever? I buy it for myself now.
I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like there was no one more down than I was a few years ago, no one more 100% convinced that my life was going to be awful forever as a result of XH's actions, and I was 100% wrong. YES it still hurts from time to time and yes I still sometimes cannot believe that it all happened, but there are things I've gained from this experience that I would never have had that are BETTER than my old life. Truly better.
I can honestly say that if I could go back in time, knowing what I have now even though I'm alone and he's with someone else, would I stop him from cheating on me and from his MLC, and despite all the pain he caused me and still does when I remember, I would not stop him from doing what he did.
So chin up, it will get better some day. I promise you if you work hard, it will get better.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
KML, I'll check out the movie. I'm not familiar with it, but am curious as to why you suggested it.
Bea, I really appreciate your response. Learning about your sitch and knowing that you are happy is really encouraging.
I actually read about PTSD a while back and my boys and I have all had some of the signs. Unless they've suffered abandonment people truly don't understand how traumatizing it can be. The effects linger.
Logistically my life will not change for a while, but I'm hoping that once the D is final I won't feel so exhausted. No matter how much rest I get I still look and feel haggard. I am so desperate to feel joyful again. Unfortunately, a settlement seems so far off, if not impossible, so I'm going to have to cope the best I can.
How long did it take before life felt normal for you again?
Paige, thanks so much for the encouragement. I've read a little about your sitch. Parenting completely alone is exhausting. I'm so sorry. Take really good care of yourself.
OT, I'm trying. I really am. I just need a break from all of this.
Antonia, thank you for your words of wisdom and the encouragement. I do believe that the burden will ease and life will get better, but it sure is hard right now. If I have to be single then I want to be independent, but I'm not. I need my H's financial support. Once that stops I will seriously struggle unless something changes. When we met I had a solid career and made more than H. During the time I was a SAHM H's pay more than tripled. I'm at an income that I made 20 years ago. It's frustrating and scary.
If money weren't so tight there's so much more the boys and I could do to enjoy our lives. It's hard not to feel like victims due to my H's actions when our lives have so radically changed. None of us are happy with the current state of things, but we feel powerless to change it. It all seems to come down to money and time and both are lacking. I know I need to do some goal setting. I don't want another year to go by without significant change.
Journaling
So I discovered this week that my H used my bank account (it's our old joint account, but the money in it is mine and has been for a year) to pay a bill that he should have paid. I was livid at him for thinking he was entitled to my money and at myself for not opening a new account a long time go. I did open an account yesterday. Once I switch all of the auto payments I will have that account blocked so that only deposits can be made. I will keep that for now for my support payments, but eventually I want those automatically deposited through H's employer or the state. Since he has a gambling addiction I don't want to have to worry about when deposits are going to be made.
I had a tennis match (and won!). It felt good to play again and I wasn't nearly as rusty as I thought I'd be. All the running I do has kept me in pretty good shape.
I find that I want to move forward, but at the same time I'm still drawn inward. I still do a lot of thinking and reflecting. I need to rest, spend time with my kids and time outdoors planting, running, hiking, etc. I still feel the need to go to the ocean a lot, however I don't get there as much as I want. I guess this is all part of restoring my soul. How long does this take? Years?
Today I found out that my Mom's latest chemo failed. There is another drug to try, and she'll start that next week, but she's running out of options.
I don't know what I feel, not anger, but really bad toward my H for putting our family through this when my Mom has been so sick. He left weeks after her recurrence saying "there's never a good time."
I've spent the last 18 months grieving, getting my kids through a terrible trauma and dealing with the D and financial matters. I haven't been physically or emotionally available to the rest of my family the way I normally would have been. I don't blame myself. I had a totally breakdown after BD and am slowly recovering. I know I have to recover and take care of myself before I can be available to anyone else.
I feel so much pressure to keep everything together and make life the best I can from the boys. I don't know how I will get us through another loss.
Why did my H have to be so hurtful and destructive? Why couldn't he have just done the right thing all along by making sure our lives stabilized after he left? His R with the boys wouldn't be where it is and I wouldn't have struggled so much. I'm not an enemy, so why?
GM, I'm very sorry to hear that the latest round of chemo failed. Did they say what type of drug they'll try next and will it be stronger than what she's been getting? I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. It's never easy when you are dealing w/a serious illness.
Why did your h handle the situation the way he did? Because he's in crisis and his coping skills aren't worth a plug nickle. He had already left the marriage emotionally 12-24 months prior to dropping the bomb on you and that's why leaving didn't affect him the way it did you, i.e., shock, etc.
Your h is not capable of handling anything, but most importantly, he can't even take care of himself. So, how could he insure that that the lives of his family was stablized when he was bouncing off the wall emotionally and mentally himself? It's never easy when someone walks out the door and leaves behind a spouse and children. Don't expect him to step up to the plate any time soon. He's just too far out there and all into himself these days. Responsbilities have gone out the window for a while.
You are right about one thing, You need to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your children and be supportive of your mother during this time. Please do not look too far ahead. The new medication may work. We need to continue praying and hope for the best.
Please take are of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your reply, snodderly. I'm not sure about the new chemo, but will know more this week. I'm not surprised by the test results. My Mom's situation has been dire since August with many failed treatments and hospital stays.
I'm having a hard time coping. I'm feeling abandoned all over again. I feel like I have no one. My parents haven't been able to support me anymore than I've been able to support them. We're all on overload. I have good friends, but none of them seem to really grasp the enormity of my situation. They are all married and are very stable as far as I know. Their kids are doing great. They're all looking forward to summer travel plans and time as a family. That used to be my life.
When XH left us, my dad had just survived a life-threatening incident. I kept things a secret for months, thinking that the news would kill my parents. They are old and frail. And when I told them, it nearly did kill them. They both ended up in hospital within weeks of hearing the news.
And you know what?
XH, who had been their 'beloved son', didn't even ask about them, even though he knew what was going on.
Snodderly is so right. These guys are in survival mode themselves, and NOTHING ELSE matters.
I prefer to believe that they can't help it. It's the only account that makes any sense of how they are behaving.
I also know the feeling of having no-one to support you.
It helps me to think about my kids (and even my dogs!) as being there for me - of us being a little unit/family that keeps things going, together (doesn't always work, especially when the kids get antsy!).
Remember, too (it sure helps me!) that we are all here for you as well. Little beacons of understanding and support for you all around the world. I know it's not much in a real sense, but it sure helps me to think about this when I get into one of these inevitable down cycles.
NLW, thank you so much. Your reply means a lot. I appreciate hearing your story. I'm so sorry for what your family has been through.
You and snodderly are right about my H's behavior and his quest for survival. Nothing has changed with him so I don't know why I periodically get upset. Expecting something different from him is ridiculous on my part and leads to frustration and hopelessness.
I can do this. I know I can. Change = Hope. He won't change, but I can.
Thank you everyone for coming to my rescue this week. All of your wisdom and encourage keeps me going. I'm truly grateful!
GM, You have to keep your expectations at zero at all times, not just w/your h, but w/everyone. Why? Because you won't be disappointed when something doesn't happen the way that you think it should. On the other hand, by not expecting something, when someone does do something unexpectedly, it's a complete surprise. Try to look at the glass as half full and not half empty.
You've got a lot of friends, from around the world at your fingertips. We may not be there to give you a hug, but we can be there to listen and try to support you when others are not around.
You can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Half empty vs. half full. The latter use to describe my outlook to the point my H accused me of having my head in the sand. Boy, how this situation has changed me in that regard. I'm really fighting to be my true self. My H, on the other hand is the ultimate pessimist. Living with him was like living with Chicken Little - the sky was always falling. I'm sure this is due to his unstable and abusive childhood. Unfortunately, that's the reason he fled. He didn't believe things could ever be better, so he left and made them worse. It never occurred to him to talk to me about how he was feeling, because in his mind talking about problems meant our relationship was broken and unfixable. So he made a unilateral decision and altered four lives.
Anyway, thanks for the reminder, snodderly. I do want to be optimistic. It feels better.
I had a dream that H was wearing my engagement ring along with his wedding band. What does that mean? Am I still holding on too tight to my dream of R?
