The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

Oh my gosh! How lovely to log in and see all these posts. Thank you so much, ForeverYoung, Subguy, Tori, Ryfkat, and Ruby (that took a little figuring out) for dropping by.

The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous. Without me being in the slightest bit prepared for this, I opened the door to a bailiff 24/04/13. H owes the inland revenue 63k H had just taken S13 on holiday to Portugal--the last thing he should have been doing.

H then started drinking again and lying about it. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when he got mugged and had his laptop stolen and came home completely plastered. The next morning he decided that something had to change.

Since then, I've been working really hard to see how to get ourselves out of this financial mess. Through loans, help from my brother and my taking over my late mother-in-law's house, I can sort of see a way through. I'm more in control of finances and will know exactly what we have coming in. H has started going to Debtors Anonymous and has stopped drinking (for now). He's also upped his AD dose (which he'd lowered in January).

To my utter amazement, I've managed not to get pissed off at him and he feels that I've been supportive and on his side. There are times when I really had to leave the room because if I'd stayed in the same room as him I could have hit him. I was especially angry when I realised that his credit rating was affecting mine since he's a financial associate of mine. His comment was, "Welcome to the real world". I left the room and was quiet the next day. In the end, he realised and apologised for his words. At times, he's been appreciative. At others, he's just into his own thing.

Life feels busy. I've had loads of meetings with banks, mortgage brokers, solicitors, accountants... I've also had to do things such as organise gas checks for the two flats that H was (mis)managing. The tenants aren't paying market rent. He doesn't have their deposit in a tenancy deposit scheme. The insurance isn't valid because it's conditional on a tree surgeon visiting the property and H has never organised one. Becoming a landlord is a steep learning curve but getting things in order is satisfying. I like the fact that I will pretty much know what we have coming in as opposed to believing H when he says we can afford x, y or z.

D15 is sitting her GCSEs and fretting quite a bit about them. S18 feels like a handful. Yesterday was his last day of school so they had muck-up day and he started drinking at 7am. He's also met a girl which stresses me as he has his A2 exams starting in 10 days. He had some cartilage piercing done this morning which I don't like. S13 (special needs) is doing fine. At least, he won't be getting things pierced.

I'm trying to practice Sandi's rules and keep DBing. I think H is ashamed and embarrassed about the mess he got himself into and so often stays away from me. He's not touching me at all and really not interacting much. We're not watching anything together at the moment. He's particularly unhelpful when it comes to domestic stuff. On the other hand, I've noticed that he's in better spirits overall and has recently started to seek me out for a tiny bit of light conversation. Yesterday is the first day in ages that he went to the gym. He's gained weight and snores quite badly again. My theory is that he snores when he gains weight. I think there is a tipping point. Then again, I figure that he's quit drinking so I need to give him a break. I haven't mentioned his weight gain.

I do sometimes fantasise about life without H but for now I'm choosing to DB.

Thank you so much all of you for keeping this board going. It is such an amazing resource. I'll catch up with as many of you as possible over the next few days.