Some small signs and settling down for a marathon

[ForeverYoung]

Just a general update and the holiday saga continues.

We had a talk and I suggested a few days but not the whole week with weekends either side. She got a bit edgy about it being important to spend time with my son. I calmly reminded her that I know this and explained that I actually get more time with S than she does except during the school holidays. She has a carer 1 day a week which means she only has S Monday evening, Tuesday evening and Thursday evening.

We spoke again after a few days and she showed a nicer side stating that she did not want me to think that I was doing all the work with S whilst she had weekends free, holidays etc. I said I did not think that but there needs to be a balance that works for both of us.

She then suggested me doing alternate weekends and on the weeks I don't see him I could go around to her place and have dinner with them and spend the evening with S.

So yet another dilemma. Advantages to alternate weekends would be I get chance to do some of the big jobs on the house that need doing. I also get to spend an evening with W and S which maybe an opportunity as we never do things as a family since she moved out.

Downside is I don't want to be a part time dad and S and I have a great weekend together. It would also be yet more disruption to his schedule.

Anyone got any suggestions on this one as its starting to make my head spin. She can be very manipulative about stuff like this and has been in the past. My gut feeling is to stick with my original offer.

Thanks for the support everyone.

My opinion is that you have to base your decision on what is best for the relationship between you and your W. Would doing things as a family be better for reaching this goal? It sounds like it would be to me. I'm always for more connection if you can get it.

[lionhrt]

That's good advice FY and yes in truth it would be better for the R to spend an evening together as a family even if its only once a fortnight. It would give us something to build on and help with re-connecting.

But the sacrifice from my perspective is a big one only having S every other weekend.

Perhaps I will suggest it on a trial basis to see how it goes.

Forgot to mention that on S birthday the other week I did go around for the evening and it went well. We played together with S (plenty laughing) and both got him ready for bed which he really enjoyed. First time we had done anything like this since she moved out.

Thanks for dropping in FY.

[lionhrt]

Another update,

Confusing few days since my last post. Come down with flu and bombed out a bit as had to skip gym and other activities.

My birthday was on Tuesday. Monday when I dropped S things off W gave me a bag of presents and 2 cards, one from her and one from S. I thanked and hugged her and she filled up again but managed not to cry. Her card was nice and signed off with love & kisses. Think just a standard sign off for W in cards but it was nice all the same.

Also got a lovely text from her on my Bday wishing me a good day and again signed off with kisses.

I thanked her for the presents, cards and bday wishes.

Wednesday I did some long overdue housekeeping on the computer. Found a couple of letters W had done which were a bit upsetting. One was a letter to a GF she had not seen since school. It was dated not long before her confused feelings in Dec 12 but stated how happy she was and that her 2nd H (me) was definitely the right choice and how glad she was that she had got it right the 2nd time around!!! grief!!!!

2nd letter was to the local authority dated after BD but before she moved out blaming them for the M break up. I have documented the trouble with schooling and transport in my earlier threads on newcomers which was an exhausting conflict with the local authority!!

Not sure if she actually sent any of the letters!

Gonna treat myself to a DVD and early night tonight

[lionhrt]

More signs of A. Mens clothes in her place. Sigh!!!

Should I ever confront or do I just sit this out. I would rather just know.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow rky, I'm so sorry to hear this.

Personally, I would confront, but not until I knew FOR SURE. I know this is contrary to the DB stance of letting it play out, but I believe women lose respect for a man who allows them eat cake. So, especially if my W knew that I knew, I'd confront.

If you let it play out, you have to pretend you don't know. Can you do this? Will it eat you up inside?

I would say something like, Look, I know about OM. I'm not interested in any details or explanations, I just need you to drop him for our relationship to continue. Then sit back and leave the ball in her court while being dim. No benefits of being your H. No taking your son so she can do an extended holiday with OM, Etc.

Best wishes to you rky, stay strong my friend.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Rky, happy belated birthday and hope you're feeling better. Physically, that is, but emotionally I hope you're coping with this latest development.

First off, I want to commend you for your restraint in not going ballistic and venting your anger to your W about your latest discovery. Losing your temper never helps, so keeping your cool was a major victory for you.

I don't know about anyone else, but I would confront your W about your suspicions. You're well within your rights, IMO, to let her know there's only room in your R for two and that you won't work on your R as long as she pursues an R with another person.

I would also set boundaries, saying you don't want the kids exposed to the OM and that you won't pick up the slack for her if she wants to make time with somebody else.

Other than that, I'm afraid it'll probably just have to play itself out. I hope your concerns turn out to be unfounded. In the meantime, try to stay positive and focus on your own needs. We're here for you if you need us.

[lionhrt]

Thanks FY and Papa. I am so grateful for the advice here when my head turns into a spin. Re losing my temper thanks. TBH it is more a feeling of deflated than anger. You just cant help thinking what else is lurking around the corner.

I am still thinking how would confronting help my sitch. I agree re there is no hope of our R progressing with OM in the picture. But would me confronting her speed up the A ending? Would she be that bothered if I knew anyway given she thinks our M is over? Would it help them if I knew because then they can come clean and live happily ever after? If she denies it do I just drive an A further underground and therefore pro-long the agony.

If I am wrong I could make things a whole lot worse. But unless I actually catch them I can never be 100%. I would say I am around 80% sure at the moment.

It really feels like a no win!...but if I do confront I need to be prepared for a) her denying it, b)me being wrong and c) her admitting it. TBH her admitting it would be the best of the 3 options and the only outcome that would not make the sitch worse IMO. The other 2 outcomes feel like they would be throwing wood on the fire.

I feel like my sitch and me personally have come a long way since BD. When I look at my R with W now compared to last October there is a world of difference. I would hate to go back there. There has still been no mention of D and she has made the odd comment re her place to suggest its not a permanent arrangement. The latest one being she hates the grass in the backyard because its full of dandelions. If it was her own place she would take the time to repair it but because its only rented there is no point.

I completely agree re picking up the slack so she can spend time with OM. She has not mentioned this in our last 3 meetings and not sure if she was just testing the water. It feels like she often throws stuff into the mix to see how I will react. Like the stich with her brother and her being guarantor for the loan. Again this has fizzled out and not heard anything more about it.

.......and then there are the little niceties, hugs, bday present, saying how much she misses me......and of course the emotions (her crying when we meet....although not as often now)

IDK, I will need to think about this some more and would like to hear others views on this as I believe it is a topic that has differing views.

Thanks so much for the advice as it helps me work through things logically instead of emotionally. I am still just about maintaining a PMA but have to say my head feels battered at the moment.

Also thx for the belated bday wishes. Feels more like Halloween Its like a rollercoaster and the house of horrors rolled into one.

[Wendylon]

Nice to catch up rkyfat.

First of all, belated happy birthday for Tuesday and I hope that you're feeling better.

Secondly, re the possibility of OM, I wouldn't say anything to her if I'm right in thinking that she's not expressed a desire to work on the R. If that's the case, you have no bargaining power so what's the point of bringing it up? But let your suspicions guide your actions. If there is an OM, let him mess up while you stay the man that only a fool wouldn't go back to (and it sounds as if you are that man). I think it's great that you and W got your S12 ready for bed together and that it went so well. I bet she wouldn't get that with OM.

All her little niceties are non-negligible. They do add up. Keep GAL and let things with OM, if there is one, run their course. As you keep being the nicest co-parent and friend she could have whilst making it clear that you're making yourself a good life (with or without her), she's bound to start thinking about what she could be giving up. I don't see her as cake-eating at the moment since she's not working on reconciling with you so, as I said before, I don't see the point in you mentioning OM. I think you would just end up sounding jealous and needy.

By the way, are you mysterious enough that she could worry about you finding an OW?

Keep going, rkyfat. You are made of strong stuff.

[lionhrt]

Hi Wendylon, thanks for the bday wishes. Still cant shake off this bug though!

I think you may be right re mentioning OM and will give it some more thought. At least there is no rush in deciding what to do in that regard.

Your are right W has expressed no desire to work on the R, so yes my bargaining power is zero.

Given we are S I am doing what I can to be mysterious but that is a tough call given we only see each other twice a week at pick up and drop offs. However, she has commented on my new clothes, weight loss etc. Since I shaved my beard off I have caught the eye of a few people and even my boss now calls me the youth benchmark for the office.

"let him mess up while you stay the man that only a fool wouldn't go back to (and it sounds as if you are that man)". Thanks, I still see myself as a WIP at the moment but enjoying working on myself now so hope my changes are here to stay.

"You are made of strong stuff".
Thank you - I am still prone to a wobble occasionally

Take care Wendylon and thanks for dropping by.

[lionhrt]

Dropped S off at W this am. She mentioned the holidays again! Said I am thinking on it and would let her know. I can't leave it too much longer as then I come across as indecisive! She seemed relaxed and then said if you can do anything it would be great.

So as I think about it I wanted to throw another thought in the mix. W had very little breaks when we were together and to agree to have S whilst she has a longer break with her friend would be a 180 for me. It is things like this that I think if we ever did R then I would make sure she had more time out from caring for S....so something like this would not be out of the question.

Now its all very well if I say it will be different if we R but actions speak louder than words....so I am thinking along the lines that if she is to believe the M is to be different and she get a better life outside the M home, perhaps doing this for her will demonstrate just that. That opportunities likes this aren't just because we are S. If that all makes sense?

Could use a little help with some sort of speech that would discretely let W know that she could get time out like this even if we were together.

If she does use it to go away with OM then is that a risk I just take, i.e. take a leap of faith that she is planning to go with a GF?

To summarise:

1. If I say yes, I prove to W that I am different, she would be very grateful and an opportunity to prove our M could be different.

2. If I say no, disappointment, anger and more of the same behaviour if I am being completely honest.

I could really use a sense check on this as my heads still in in a spin at the moment!

Thank you for all the help so far.