betsey-- thanks for stopping by.. i am in no hurry to relive what i have that is for sure. and yes its been a year only since my wife physically left. way shorter than some of you. thats why i stick around here. to learn from the more experienced members. wisdom is always been a huge help to me. i make rash decisions alot if left to my own devices.
the stuff about trust issues and cynicism is more stuff pointed out to me by my IC. i dont know if i believe it or disbelieve it. food for thought maybe? anyway.. i enjoy going on dates. i do want to be married. to the right woman. i have learned alot about my shortcomings and alot about my strengths through this process. i know what i require in a woman and i am not going to settle for less than i deserve. i also feel that i should continue to make myself better everyday so that i deserve the woman of my dreams.. i dont know if that makes any sense..lol
i am not a bad person. i have made alot of bad decisions in my life. 98% were addiction related. i am taking serious steps to overcome that obstacle and continue to live a happy, healthy and sober life. i have paid dearly for the decisions i have made and have learned something everytime. i look at them not so much as failures, but more of learning experiences.
the trust thing gets me. i trust everyone right out the gate for the most part. i dont tell them my secrets, but i dont expect them to do me wrong. however when they do me wrong, the trust is gone. for good. no hope of getting it back. the one exception to that was my XW. i think what it boils down to is more the fact that i dont trust myself? if i dont allow myself to get tangled up again with someone, i cant get hurt. which probably leads to more feelings of isolation and cynacism.
