KML, I'll check out the movie. I'm not familiar with it, but am curious as to why you suggested it.
Bea, I really appreciate your response. Learning about your sitch and knowing that you are happy is really encouraging.
I actually read about PTSD a while back and my boys and I have all had some of the signs. Unless they've suffered abandonment people truly don't understand how traumatizing it can be. The effects linger.
Logistically my life will not change for a while, but I'm hoping that once the D is final I won't feel so exhausted. No matter how much rest I get I still look and feel haggard. I am so desperate to feel joyful again. Unfortunately, a settlement seems so far off, if not impossible, so I'm going to have to cope the best I can.
How long did it take before life felt normal for you again?
Paige, thanks so much for the encouragement. I've read a little about your sitch. Parenting completely alone is exhausting. I'm so sorry. Take really good care of yourself.
OT, I'm trying. I really am. I just need a break from all of this.
Antonia, thank you for your words of wisdom and the encouragement. I do believe that the burden will ease and life will get better, but it sure is hard right now. If I have to be single then I want to be independent, but I'm not. I need my H's financial support. Once that stops I will seriously struggle unless something changes. When we met I had a solid career and made more than H. During the time I was a SAHM H's pay more than tripled. I'm at an income that I made 20 years ago. It's frustrating and scary.
If money weren't so tight there's so much more the boys and I could do to enjoy our lives. It's hard not to feel like victims due to my H's actions when our lives have so radically changed. None of us are happy with the current state of things, but we feel powerless to change it. It all seems to come down to money and time and both are lacking. I know I need to do some goal setting. I don't want another year to go by without significant change.
Journaling
So I discovered this week that my H used my bank account (it's our old joint account, but the money in it is mine and has been for a year) to pay a bill that he should have paid. I was livid at him for thinking he was entitled to my money and at myself for not opening a new account a long time go. I did open an account yesterday. Once I switch all of the auto payments I will have that account blocked so that only deposits can be made. I will keep that for now for my support payments, but eventually I want those automatically deposited through H's employer or the state. Since he has a gambling addiction I don't want to have to worry about when deposits are going to be made.
I had a tennis match (and won!). It felt good to play again and I wasn't nearly as rusty as I thought I'd be. All the running I do has kept me in pretty good shape.
I find that I want to move forward, but at the same time I'm still drawn inward. I still do a lot of thinking and reflecting. I need to rest, spend time with my kids and time outdoors planting, running, hiking, etc. I still feel the need to go to the ocean a lot, however I don't get there as much as I want. I guess this is all part of restoring my soul. How long does this take? Years?
