we own a business - pt 9 ... its about me!

[makingmagic]

what are some simple steps to take then bond? to be more of a partner not employee? cuz I feel I sure do work hard enough, but I don't want to EVER be as consumed as him. Doing so, doesn't please him anyway!

also, how do I validate when h H is asking me things like... I bet you feel the same when he was discussing running away, etc. Or how long his list is about all the things he is overwhelmed with. All I could do was STFU and nod.

just say i understand your feelings, for wanting to run away... sometimes I feel like that too?

Yes, I completely understand your list of what needs to be done, can be overwhelming.

or when he says... you must be happy to not come home worried what we fill fight about next.... not sure about this one

[~ kd ~]

hmmm... wfm, what you post is interesting...

I will start with saying, I do remember a prior time when the two of you were scheduled to go on your "saturday shopping". I do remember myself and possibly others, suggesting that you go along in order to make it a "good" time. Those are the "social" business times and they are actually beneficial and in your case, potentially valuable for working on your R.

That said, that was good, and right now... it may not be working. Part of DBing is doing what works... another part of DBing is to stop doing what ISN'T working.

Now, your H has said some things that are a bit contradictory, unless there is some of your own interpretations of what he said, in your post:

+ He IS asking you to take on a more proactive, equal partner position and role

+ He IS asking the two of you to expand your catchment by him going shopping and you being available for clients

+ He (interestingly) has suggested you conduct your own due diligence and not always trust HIS judgement or decisions or spending...

I want to touch more on this last one, specifically. And I'm going to go out on a limb and submit that... it is possible... that he's telling you... HE doesn't necessarily trust his own judgement or decisions... or alternately, that he DOES TRUST YOUR judgement and decisions.

Which leads me to consider, that because he may not trust himself, that he is critical of himself. THAT behaviour can show up towards others, by him ALSO being critical of others. Expecting more of himself so he also expects more and better from others. But really points to his own, personal issues.

Also notice, he suggests that you do your own thing and learn from your own mistakes and successes. THAT... could actually be your cue to allow him the same.

Lets start there. Does the above make sense?

[TSquared2]

Instead of: "Yes, I completely understand your list of what needs to be done, can be overwhelming. "

Try: "Wow, your list of what needs to be done, sounds like it can be overwhelming."

Instead of: " i understand your feelings, for wanting to run away... sometimes I feel like that too? "

Try:"Maybe I understand your feelings some, sometimes I feel like that too"

You don't "completely understand" because you are not him, his feelings are unique to him and his experience...I made this mistake with W in the beginning...

An extreme example would be if a male were to tell you he "completely understands" your PMS symptoms, would you feel validated? How could he know how you feel? What COULD he say that would validate you?

With W the stand-by "I'm sorry you feel that way", "Wow, that must be difficult", etc are what works...Hope this helps some.

T^2

[makingmagic]

tx t^2... I think it will be easier, in the beginning to start with the simpler stand-by validations. Thanks again..

KD ... you are suggesting that our "saturday shopping" isn't working. I disagree, most of our time together is productive and somewhat fun, light hearted. Exactly like earlier suggested, beneficial opportunities that have made him feel that I wasn't going to fall apart or R talk (always). He seems to enjoy some time together too, as he laughs or smiles at me. Why do you think it isn't working? (just because of this one incident?)

I don't believe I put my own spin on things, and I think you have a pretty clear understanding of my sitch too. Yes, I believe he is asking me to take on more responsibilities (because he is tired & needs a break), although he cannot fully give up control, he will want to get mad at me if I do something not "his way".

//I want to touch more on this last one, specifically. And I'm going to go out on a limb and submit that... it is possible... that he's telling you... HE doesn't necessarily trust his own judgement or decisions... or alternately, that he DOES TRUST YOUR judgement and decisions.///

I think both... not that he doesn't trust his, but that he is exhausted of ALL answers are to come from him. He is tired of the control, but won't let it go.

//Expecting more of himself so he also expects more and better from others. But really points to his own, personal issues.// He is a major MACHINE... he even calls himself a machine, and its true. He is always watching and reading others, forecasting situtions, he never turns his brain off... which is why he is so tired and cannot sleep. Always calculating his next move.

//Also notice, he suggests that you do your own thing and learn from your own mistakes and successes. THAT... could actually be your cue to allow him the same.//

Lets start there. Does the above make sense?


NO... sorry, now I am lost. all of the above makes perfect sense with the exception of the last comment...??
He does WHAT EVER he wants and without much discussion from me, what do you mean to allow him to do the same?

Looking forward to your comments!

[~ kd ~]

wfm, can you start a new thread? this one's well over 100 posts and the mods are likely to lock it, soon. I'll review your post and either respond here a bit later or in a new thread if you start one.