we own a business - pt 9 ... its about me!

[~ kd ~]

The reason I posted quickly was specifically regarding feedback on how yesterday went. Your posts suggested you were stuck in getting validation from your H.

I don't think that yesterday was "bad" and won't put it up against a DB framework of "right or wrong". It is simply how yesterday went. Although I would go so far as to say that perhaps you may not repeat yesterday as far as your actions being dictated by your feelings.

Again, while you say you are focused on work, then you will KNOW that you were focused on your work when you don't wonder what your H thought about your work day. Rather, you will be able to think, "Today, work went well. I had a couple of things regarding clients or specific duties that I could have done better and there are some things that I did really great and I am so proud of myself..." and then... "and a bonus is, I think that my boss seemed to appreciate what I did, too"

Hope that makes sense.

Regarding your H and his "words" regarding how this weekend looks, for him. This is where the business / personal enmeshment occurs for you. If he were your boss, or even your partner, you would simply see this as your boss giving you information. Nothing more, nothing less.

[makingmagic]

But wait Bond... its not like he is telling me he is going to a cottage, he is still going up to work. It is still a "work" day for us.

Its the way he is going about it. Getting snippy with me for not agreeing to his ways. Telling me we have clients tomorrow, when we don't.... we have reason to do this the way we ALWAYS do it... drive together, bring back 2.

Its possible that its just an excuse to accomodate a cottage visit for another time. Cant I just ask if that is his goal, instead of him "creating a lie" ... I would never word it like that.... figure I could word it along the lines of "you can tell me that you are wanting to go to the cottage"...I would understand that MORE than the confusion and inconvenience of the car story"

Looking forward to your advice again... hope I am a little clearer now.

[~ kd ~]

No. Don't say anything. Just tell him, "have fun" and go out and make plans on your own.

What Bond said ^^^^

And also, understand that your H made it very clear that he wants space. Specifically telling you that he would not go if you go is him pointing that out. Regardless of whether there are no client appointments.

[makingmagic]

KD, Bond, let me explain further. This is NOT about weekend plans for him (not yet). Tomorrow is a work day, we normally go together and with reason that makes BUSINESS sense (drive up in one, take 2 back). Now, suddenly he is changing the routine...possibly to accomodate a cottage arrangement (for another time, not necessarily THIS weekend). H suggesting that he will stay behind, was because he believes that we could be missing out on "possible" Saturday appointments.

I just want him to feel he doesn't have to LIE to me (if that is what he is doing)... which is why I want to clarify.

Telling him to "have fun" is not relevant for such a work day. Work ends around 4/5pm tomorrow.

[~ kd ~]

Not sure if you saw my previous post (#2351913) above.

Let me again stress... HE IS ASKING FOR SPACE.

Is he lying or withholding? Who knows? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. IF he IS, then it is really, really important that you understand... He likely feels he NEEDS to. It is possible that he feels that IF he is lying or withholding, the alternative... him telling you what really IS going on, would be worse than you knowing / thinking that he is lying.

He has made a decision to go alone, tomorrow. He said that if you go, he will not.

Your option? Don't go (per his suggestion), or GO (and he will stay back).

Nothing else matters in this.

What is your choice?

[MrBond]

First of all, you don't know if he's "lying". Just give him the benefit of the doubt. He changed the routine, you didn't say anything about it and it sounds like it's perfectly normal, so there's no sense in bringing it up.

You have a tendency to always want to have the last word with him. Or to be sure that you hammered your point home. He's not a child. Treat him as he treats you. You said it once, then let it go.

[makingmagic]

i give up...lol.. Yes... he has asked for space, but not necessarily so where the business is concerned. H just called and I hinted to the "I understand cottage fun" theory... he remained that this was strictly about me being around tomorrow as he "feels" its a busy business day... OK... letting it go.

I don't understand it... but, somehow he wants to go alone. Much like today, taking a client appointment (which we do together) but he preferred to do alone. BUT, has called me several times today to inform me of his actions. His perstistance about me going/he will not... is supposedly about insisting client availability tomorrow. I believe this is what he truly believes....so fine ... I will leave it alone.

My choice would be to GO, because it makes most business sense and therefore I could monitor the spending... but, in this case. Apparantly he wants to go ALONE, so go!

"thinking" maybe if I view him as a "boss" instead of a partner, we wouldn't battle? but, then on the other hand, he wants me to make decisions on my own too (this as of yesterday), so pointed out that IF I make a decision, and its the WRONG one...It was my decision to make, and he will have to suck it up!

Also KD, you posted:
// Your posts suggested you were stuck in getting validation from your H.//... what do you mean?



Tx KD & Bond!

[~ kd ~]

I do "see" a few things:

+ You GO in order to keep a tab on spending... Which, if you keep the books, is important, although as a long term business partner, is there some point where you need to trust that he will be careful with his spending?

+ Yet... you GO... because you DO enjoy the time with him. There is no denying that. You go, for personal reasons. And I admit that I do things with business partners for the same reason. But you DO go for personal reasons and now... that reason is important because you are trying to work on the PERSONAL relationship, rather than the business relationship

+ whether or not there are client appointments, it DOES make sense that the two of you cover more opportunity by someone being available IF clients come along this weekend to make purchases. It really does make good business sense. Sense that I often try to impress upon my own business partners, when it seems they are scheduling time with me only for conversation, and not for productivity.

I think it's a good idea, business wise, to let him go alone. That is truly an opinion, not DB advice. Yet, it does work from a DB perspective, as well.

I also think it is a good thing that he has put out there that he will not "monitor" your own role in the business partnership as much. The both of you working to disentangle yourselves from each other will likely go a long way to a more productive and potentially profitable endeavour. And perhaps... the two of you will share war stories of the day or week over wine and beer, in the future. Something positive personally, may come of these business decisions.

Also KD, you posted:
// Your posts suggested you were stuck in getting validation from your H.//... what do you mean?

Taken in context of a work environment, you come across as the junior partner looking to impress the senior partner and also looking for positive feedback when perhaps, none was necessary.

Taken another way, from a business perspective, the two of you decided to join in a business, likely because of the skills the two of you, individually brought to the table. Of course in business, especially small business, there is often a need for business partners to spread their wings and be able to do the other partner's roles (and more), just in case...

So that said, as it APPEARS you are looking for approval or validation, it could be very valuable for you to step up, do your roles to the best of your ability and get better at them and... not expect approval or validation, yet welcome feedback in any form, even if it is negative. Be proud of your accomplishments and work on your challenges.

[makingmagic]

TX KD... I have totally trusted my h, and with reason... he was/is trustworthy in both busines/relationship. However, since BD, I question a few things (as others have asked me to look closer... but, when I do, I don't see anything to doubt, not really). Since our convo yesterday, he has suggested that I don't lean on him and to not necessarily "trust" him. To do my own diligence to verify what I need to do for myself. Not suggesting to NOT trust, but to protect myself, without his guidance. I don't like this position.

Yes, sometimes it makes sense when I am to be around for work and others not so much... BUT, HE is the deciding factor. Its very confusing. Most times, he is insistant that I be there for clients (cuz we play good cop/bad cop). Other times, like today he felt he can deal with client himself. Meanwhile, I begin to get ready for the day, only to hear he will handle it. Same with tomorrow's venture, if he had to be there for 8am.. I'm sure he would insist I go (he needs to feel that it is "fair" and I should be up early on the road at 8am too). H is Libra (always watching and making sure to balance the scale).

H always is questioning what I do, when I am not physically working along side of him. Questioning if I am working as much, as hard, as often as he is. Judging me. Telling me that he deserves more because he works harder, physically, in the cold, in the dark, in the rain, ensuring to tell me that he takes client calls at 6:30 am and as late as 11pm. complaining that he takes all the client complaints/issues and has to come up with excuses.

Yes... I do look for validation from H both personally and business, because he is sure to point out all the negatives and mistakes I make ALL the time. I honestly can't win for losing with this guy 80% of the time. Its frustrating and exhausting trying to always "THINK" what is the right thing, only to find out NO.. wrong again! H feels the need to control ALL areas of the business, and does not fully trust that I can handle much without his overlooking things. Although, I do impress him from time to time. And, the reminder is the way our account looks at the moment!

If you can imagine, 7/8 years ago this business proposal was presented to me (during a separation that I intitiated), as a means for us to "come together" financially and to have a mutual interest that would help keep us together. We were separated for 4 months, and I jumped at the opportunity instead of holding out and working on our relationship and possible M.

Now that we have recovered financially to a nice position. H was telling me the balance this morning. I suggested that I take what is owed (back salary, loans). H didn't have an issue with that. This initially was HIS suggestion, that I have been waiting to see if he would offer and follow through with.

KD... I am trying to give you the whole pictures. I appreciate ALL your comments... Please let me know if you see anything else I could/should be doing.

[MrBond]

Right now you do see him and treat him as a boss and not a partner. You do as he says, he yells at you, orders you around. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me.