Your situation is so fresh. Things seem to be happening at break neck speed. You have no idea, but you are just touching the tip of the ice berg. Slow yourself down and settle in. This is going to be a much longer process than you can imagine.
You are in a great position to turn this around. Don't do what so many of us have done and make things worse. You need to remember, only YOU are trying to save this marriage at this point. Your husband is not onboard, so don't expect him to play by the same rules or be positive in any regard. He is going to recite SCRIPT that is used by almost every single WAS. He will say he doesn't miss you. He will say the "ilybnilwy". He will say he is happy that he left. He will speak only in negatives. He will seemingly want to get away from you as fast as humanly possible. And like Another Stander pointed out, he is going to push your buttons. Consider every interaction you have with Husband to be a test. You can pass those tests or fail them. "You can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy". that is a great saying. Live it! If you get angry, if you pursue, if you come off seeming needy or pitiful or if you engage him in conflict, that will come off looking negative to your husband.
Keep in mind, your husband is REELING with internal confusion. This isn't any easier for him than it is for you. However, he has to play it like he has made the greatest decision of his life. That is the way of the WAS. They will act like a completely different person. That is the only real way for them to convince themselves that they are making the right decision. It is your job not to play into that. Your husband is processing a lot of stuff right now. Let him. Don't pressure him to make a decision. Don't battle with him by any means. What you need to do is focus on yourself. Stay VERY level headed and don't respond to him with emotion.
This is the hardest thing to do, some call it detachment, but this is essential. Get out. Enjoy friends. Take care of yourself. "Act as if" you are happy and content. When you have interactions with your husband, just be pleasnt. Don't over do it, but just be upbeat and positive. Do not engage him any any negativity. Let him see you at your best. Buy some new clothes. Get your hair done. Look your best when you encounter him. Give him time to travel his journey with space and understanding. He will eventually start to settle down. At that time, you want him to reflect on what a great catch you were in the first place. This break you are having is VERY fresh. Both of you are going to be extremely raw emotionally. With a little time, understanding and showing your husband a smooth way back home to you, it is very possible that you can turn this around. Stay focused. Come on here and ask questions about ERVERYTHING. This is your ultimate source of support, right here. Use it.
Lastly, I would advise against discussing your marriage to anynone, even family or close friends. Take it from my experince, friends and family will wish to support you and therefore side AGASINT your husband. You don't want that. It never works out well and just places more conflict and distance between you. This is not the time to build alliances! Share here, but try to keep it under wraps aside from that. It will honestly be better for your marriage in the long run. If you need answers or need to vent, everyone here is on the same page as you. Let us help you, or be a shoulder for you to lean on. :-)
I spilled a lot. I hope you can take some of it in and put it to use. Keep strong and stay calm. Don't rush to make an ends.
I do understand that you want him to see that he is a fool, because you are such a fantastic person.
Becoming (more of) a person that only a fool would leave, is something the LBS does... FOR THEMSELVES... and NOT as a "show" (tactic) to win back the WAS. If the WAS happens to notice, they may change their mind and perhaps want to R, but it's not the LBS job to "show" the WAS anything. In the same way that an LBS cannot "fix", control, or "teach" a WAS.
Send your H a happy birthday message if you want. Only, though, to wish him a happy birthday, because you would do that with ANY friend. Would you wish a friend a happy birthday in order to show them what a good friend you are?
SP... what a great speech. I wish someone has posted those exact words on my thread when I first joined. It all makes sense. Thank you!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
When I first came here I got some of the best advice out there.
I didn't hear any of it because my head was spinning. I was 100% focused on the craziness that I was feeling at that moment.
If you can stop and heed the advice you are and will be given, it will help you feel better faster.
If you can't stop and see it right now, you will be OK, it will just take longer.
Everyone is different.
For me it took months to slow down and see what was happening. I missed some amazing advice (at that time, I do read it now), but the caring people on here never once left me.
You will be OK.
That is all I wanted to say right now.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
thanks jp, i think ill reread my thread more slowly and think more on the advice ive been given.
Kaffe, you're right im trying to show HIM and i should be trying to show MYSELF what a good person i am. Im on the fence about it still but if do send it ill do it for myself and not try to impress him. thank you for pointing that out to me.
H:25 M:25 T: 9 1/2 Yrs M: 5 Yrs
trouble in paradise: 1/18 Big D: 2/10 EA confirmed 3/11 H Leaves me: 3/30 Files: 4/8 Served: 4/15 OW Confirmed: 8/6 Divorce Final: ???
Yes, Emily, feel proud about sending him a text with birthday wishes.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I texted him around noon, just said Happy Birthday and he replied back quickly and just said thanks em.
I feel like I did the right thing, and am proud of myself for doing it even though he has been mean to me.
Sounds like a good short to the point text. Remember to not have expectations.
Did you text him because you wanted to wish him happy birthday or because you felt you were obliged?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
