Still Struggling and need help #3

[CharlieBrown]

Seven Principles...

[makingmagic]

if I can jump in CB... what are the 7 principles? tx, wfm

[CharlieBrown]

John Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, is the book. The seven are (from Wikipedia):

1.Enhance Your Love Maps. Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.
2.Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3.Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.
4.Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.
5.Solve Your Solvable Problems. It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6.Overcome Gridlock. Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached.
7.Create Shared Meaning. Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols.

CB

[reachingHigher]

I like Gottman's work. But it may be a timing thing.

To share personal experience, when H first went to an IC in October of 2011 he said it was for MC. So she had us start this book. The issues were so much deeper with the life-changing feelings and depression that I think it wasn't the right fit. So H cried after each time we did the exercises together and after two months begged me to stop.

I think we may be at a point soon where we can take it up again. I wanted to ask our MC what she thinks about it. It's definitely a great book for marriage rebuilding but in these MLC sitches....this DB method seems to have worked better for me.

CB, thanks for taking the time to outline it all. You're thorough.

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

I can't take credit, I just did a copy and paste from Wikipedia.

Our MC was trained by Gottman and MWD and uses Gottman's method (but has included some other aspects). This was part of the reason I wanted to use him and this method hasn't let us down.

Your story is amazingly different than mine! My W has put in minimal energy into the exercises. The only time she cried was when we first went and she was talking about how bad things (ie. me as an H) were for her. That would be great progress if you were able to switch back.

CB

[reachingHigher]

CB, I figured you cut and pasted, but you took the time to do it

If you had to place your W on the MLC timeline into one of the stages (okay, I know it's not always a popular thing to do here, but....) where would she land most of the time? I know they bounce around, etc.

You might think about starting a new thread soon, too. They fill up so fast, don't they?

[CharlieBrown]

Good question RH. I read them and there are aspects of all of them, but I would say, still in Replay, Depression, and aspects of Withdrawal. Looking back, I can see the Denial and Anger that really was a couple year deal, at least. I think she still has some anger, but I think she is past that into RDW land. She talks like she is out of the tunnel, but I don't see that yet.

CB

[makingmagic]

TX CB for posting... I guess one has to have a willing partner, to practice those steps. Guess I will wait until then. Although, I can see benefits to doing so... even one sided.

Tx again, wfm

[ForeverYoung]

The Seven Principles sound great for when both partners are in it. Unfortunately, all this focus on the M can highlight to someone who's "Done" that it really is a problem, and much too difficult of a one to overcome. Hence RH’s H’s tears.

Some only go through the MC motions just so they can say they tried. Since actually working on a marriage is work, it’s not hard to see that when one partners heart is not truly in it, there is unlikely to be positive results.

Then too, when you throw a MLC into the works, you have a situation where one partner is dealing with major issues that have nothing at all to do with the M. (which actually may not have been that bad) These issues must be addressed first.

At least for my W and I, MC, working on the M, books, etc. were/are not the answer... yet. Which is where the DB principals come in. (NO relationship talks, work on yourself, let them walk their journey, etc.)

I’m not posting this to discourage you CB, just tossing out my thoughts for what they’re worth. (at least 2 cents!)

[CharlieBrown]

Let's move the discussion over to the new thread #4...