New to this ...

[steveh27]

W reiterated today she's intent on dissolving the marriage, which makes sense today because yesterday was a "Im struggling ... Im sorry for hurting you". (end sarcasm) Which I was weary of anyway because of the rest of the roller-coaster ride Ive seen so far. It's an evolution for me just moving ever closer to acceptance.

Do I want to drop the rope ... I don't. But if I don't I'm concerned of my well being through this process. So accepting this and just moving forward with the results in a dignified manner is my only course.

I will take this weekend as a test of where I'm at. We have a appt with a mediator next wed and I'm not empty of anger or bitterness as of yet, so I'm concerned about making sound decisions relative to my financial and kids well being. I know I have a right to feel this way, it's just hard because my bitterness wants to not make this easy for her. Whats even worse is if she asked to reconcile at this point I would consider it, so I need to start focusing on me. It must be nice to be the WAS and have something in the wings waiting, certainly makes your transition easier. Plain su&ks right now, but can't do anything about it.

[Breakdown]

It must be nice to be the WAS and have something in the wings waiting, certainly makes your transition easier.

It may may make transition easier, but it doesn't fix your issues that lent to damaging the M...that's one reason 2nd divorce rates are so frickin high.

[steveh27]

Yeah BD I agree - I was venting. Was feeling pretty down today.

Did some shopping for the weekend with my D13. Needed some new clothes since losing about 40lbs and would rather not look like a shlub. Another 15 and ill be at my goal weight. Starting to feel good about myself again after about 7 years of letting things go. The exerc ising has been keeping me busy and it has a nice added benefit.

Thanks btw for chiming in - always appreciate the support and words.

[steveh27]

After rereading some of my previous posts I see a lot of anger in those. I seemed all over the place with thoughts and contradicting behavior. Yesterday and today were better, more sad but peaceful.

I found a good size lump in my sternum last week and yesterday it seemed bigger. I awkwardly asked the W about it since we were both in good moods - and she felt it. She seemed concerned and it scared me because she is usually spot on about health related things. I quietly left the room and went to the basement. Nothing like all these emotions at once flying around in you to make you have a good cry. I didnt want anyone to see and I wanted no sympathy at that point or to overreact as I have no idea what it is.

I came back up and W was on her phone investigating the possibilities of what it could be. She asked what I was doing - I gave her a bs answer about checking the humidifier since I noticed moisture on the windows. I went to do some packing for the weekend and went about my business. An hour later she comes back to me with a list of things it could be. We still do "care" for one another, I know that. It also hurts seeing the old W show through in certain situations, although I know where we are at.

We have the same doctor and we both have annual checkups this coming Tues, so I'll get it checked out then. Anyway trying to get a couple things done at work before getting on the road for the "weekend" of awkwardness.

[sandi2]

I am not sure how you view dropping the rope. Here's my analogy:

Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels dug into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.

[makingmagic]

TX Sandi... makes sense! (will add this to my notes)

[steveh27]

I dropped the rope. I am going this weekend but i am being pleasant like nothing is bothering me. Did some shopping with new clothes new cologne ... I feel good. Yes maybe its just a distraction for me but its helping to look the other way and occasionally looking over my shoulder to continue your analogy.

I value your opinion sandi thank you so much for your wisdom.

[steveh27]

I believe she wants the man to drop the rope in my opinion. So maybe thats helping also.

[sandi2]

You sound so much better! You go and support your sons and try to enjoy the game. Start living for you and your boys and try to leave this other mess behind.

[steveh27]

Had awesone friday traveling. W and I were getting along great and family was having fun. Stopped at nice restaurant for dinner. W and I shared a dish that we like and kids got a pizza. Got to hotel where whole team was staying and I asked if she wanted me to check in since she normally has to because she has to check the team in also as part of her duties. I said I dont mind and she said ok thank you. Night was good avoided other family. Morning rolls around and hotel serves breakfast ... she sees the OM family and says she will go to the room and grab jackets and shell be in the car. I think - thanks ill stay with the kids and pretend. Very mature.

First Game was ok but awkward. Grabbed lunch and w ent back second game. Was waiting in car for team to arrive and the other family walks by. Now other family walks by car - they dont see us and I watch. I have a immature moment and make a comment ... bad. He is not an overly attractive guy and either is his W .. I just say seriously under my breath but loud enough for my W to hear. She shoots me a look and says what? I say our family is worth that?

Well there went the rest of the day. Moment of weakness but my feelings are changing for the worse daily with her and im losing my fight in me. I just want this over with one way or another.

I have more but need to get kids up for the day.