I'm sure Sandi will come along shortly and give you her amazing words of wisdom!
For me "Dropping the rope" means:
To let go, in your head, to just let go of your W. To not have any expectations and treat her as a friend. Be polite and kind, just like you would be for a friend and at this point, not a close friend, just a friend.
Do your own thing and be as positive and happy as you can be!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I just posted this on another thread, so hope it doesn't get monotonous. Hope my word picture helps to explain dropping the rope.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels dug into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
After she sees that you really have dropped the rope, then she will start playing little games to see if she can still work you. That is when you have to be very strong and make her work hard to get you back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi... how do you make them work hard to get you back? What are some techniques?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Awesome advice, thank you very much. I will definitely drop the rope. Truth be told it is getting easier and easier to detach because we have less things that we have to speak to each other about for the divorce case. At this point everything is separated. I live separately and we are just waiting for the courts to push the papers through. I have signed and so has she. Now I guess my only hope is that by applying the LRT and detaching that she gets a change of heart before the paperwork is finalized and either drop the D or even just change it to a legal separation which will be a step in the right direction to meeting my goals. So I am going to "drop the rope" , keep applying the LRT and only respond if she initiates in a kind, friendly, no expectation way. Hopefully she will soon realize the grass isn't always greener!! I want her to be happy whether it is with me or by herself! So we shall see. I will keep all posted! And thank you all for the insight again!
Does anyone know how long it actually takes for the D to be finalized once the papers are signed off by both parties in NYS?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
On regards to my LRT. I am at the point where I am only going to respond kindly to any correspondence that she initiates. Although I want so badly to ask her to do things I know that is more of the same behavior that is getting no results.
We are living separately and the only correspondence we would even have would be through email at this point. I am not sure if applying the LRT while being separated is the right thing to do. But I do know that nothing else has worked at all. So I think doing this is my last chance.
So I am GAL, new hobbies, church, counseling, gym, rec sports, and making new friends from the new school I work at. Not sure what else to do at this point. Any other suggestions sandi?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
I am not sure if applying the LRT while being separated is the right thing to do. But I do know that nothing else has worked at all. So I think doing this is my last chance.
Probably why it's called the Last Resort Technique. Any thing besides responding kindly to her correspondence? Btw, is there any correspondence that is not business related?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
