Ya....it was the whole shift from expectation, from the hope of and the fear of to the outcome of that allows me to be here, be good and be centred.
So glad you are there as well! It was people like Bug, who always got to the heart of the matter, like Cadet, who challenged my beliefs that people could NOT change who they were, like everyone else who supported, cautioned and gave advice on this journey.
So H spent the weekend at the house. Showed up wearing his wedding ring. Which he has never worn. That never bothered me, but this was a big deal. He pointed it out, said "I know you haven't decided whether you want to try with us, but I'm going to live like I'm married. I plan to show you action." I was taken aback and said "Wow, that means alot..." He said "Yeah, this is a really big deal for me. I hope you know that when I stood up on that altar, I was pledging to be with only you. I had no intention..." he trailed off then said "words are stupid, I plan to show you. If you are done, you are. But I will like I'm married until we aren't."
He asked me out on a date, got a sitter. We had a great time.
I'm going to let him move back into the basement. He's moving in this week. I don't want to define anything. I don't know what to say to anyone else. I don't know that I will or won't try with him again. I just know I'm watching his actions. I know what I'm worth today. I said that to him. "I don't want pretty good. There are many men out there who will love me, treat me with respect and not cheat on me. I only want you to be here because you want me. You want only me. I don't expect perfection, but I will be someone's something special. I won't have anything less." He said "Of course, my god, that's been my problem our whole R. I've never felt I deserve you. I want to start being a man who does deserve you."
We'll see. We'll see. But he did put his dishes in the dishwasher all weekend...which was more times than the previous 8 years of marriage...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
thank you. I am trying to let go of expectations....
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
First off...tornado hit my neighborhood friday night. Yep. A tornado. We are fine. Our home is fine. We missed being in it's path driving by 2 minutes. Pulled up to the house and ran into the basement. Scariest sounds I've ever heard. Our little culdesac was spared much damage. Few trees uprooted, and electric out for a few days. After spending the weekend helping neighbors and surveying the damage, it's a miracle no one was killed. Unbelievable that OK was hit so bad again.
I have wonderful neighbors. Our little circle is amazing and helpful always. My one neighbor brings me ice cream everyweek. "You're preggo, T. You run too much. Eat some DQ!" Ha. We watch each others kids, and homes when we are all out of town. Yo9u get the picture. But to witness the community rally together and be unselfish during such tragedy filled my heart with such hopefullness. As we were dragging trees to the street (S4 and D2 included), a young man walks up and just started to help. No "I'm here, what can I do." He just did it. Large groups of highschool students and teachers were out, just helping. The local grocery store had hot dogs and water for customers.
My H has always been a very helpful, unselfish guy. Over the past 6 months I wondered if he did it just as a show, since learning of his infidelities I was just questioning everything. I'm on guard with him. What is real? What is fake. So I've been watching. He was suppose to move his stuff in this weekend, but spent all day saturday helping people. Helping me with the kids. Being an example of service, like we had always talked about showing our kids. Got generators from work so all our neighbors could put food in our freezers and fridge. He was up late last night getting things moved in.
Day by day. I'm watching. Yesterday, I had 11 years sober. I pretty much forgot. Honestly, it's just another day and lately I just focus on each moment and try to live in it. Friday, with all 4 (5th one kicking up a blue streak) piled in our bed, I just enjoyed the moment. I don't need to define it. I'm not desperate to save anything anymore. My mind does drift to "It will never work, you will never trust him!!! Don't even think about it." Maybe I won't. Maybe I will. Who knows. But I have no desired outcome in my mind.
Really, for the first time in my life I have no idea what I want, so I don't have to act anyway but how I feel in the moment. I feel free. No expectations. My stomach gets a little tied up when I think about telling my family or some friends that he is back in the house, but really...who cares what they think. And what is there to say? Today, he is there. Who knows, tomorrow another tornado may whisk me away.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
So we are 3 days into the work week. First time H has been home since I upped from 2 days a week to 3. He has done the dishes twice, cooked dinner once, bathed the kids twice. Who is this guy????
Last night he was showering and I was getting the kids into the bath and we were chatting. He mentioned his friend had gotten a job, I said "Oh, cool. Good for him." He responded "Didn't I tell you? Wait, that was when you stopped talking to me. I have to tell you, that was the best thing in the world. I was already crazy and miserable, but once you were totally out of the picture...I could see that its all me. I'm so grateful you did that." A very good conversation was had, then he suggested we go out for ice cream. Ok, this is a shock. My H gets up for work very early. He is crazy about his sleep and it has gotten so bad over the past year. In bed before I got the kids in bed. It was 7, so I was shocked. The kids were so excited and we had a blast. He actually stayed up until I went to bed. Seriously...this is like a different guy. Then he asked me out on a date saturday. I accepted.
Today is national running day. H and I are both runners, but around the time his A started up, he stopped doing alot of family runs. We ran together sporatically. I said I wanted to get a run in tonight after work and he asked to come.
Day by day. We'll see.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
T - what a wonderful spot you are now in. Great for you - you certainly deserve it!
An inspiration and role model to many here on this board.
Congrats!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am very happy to hear of recent actions of your H.
...BUT (and I don't want to send any negativity here)...keep the no expectations attitude you have going for you, otherwise over time it may sneak up and bite you on the butt!
Your H is on his best behavior now b/c he wants to prove to you he is a new man. I hope and pray this is true, but has he really done the work to make consistant and REAL changes that will withstand the test of time???
Keep on lovin' the new YOU!!! You are worth so much!!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I am very happy to hear of recent actions of your H.
...BUT (and I don't want to send any negativity here)...keep the no expectations attitude you have going for you, otherwise over time it may sneak up and bite you on the butt!
Your H is on his best behavior now b/c he wants to prove to you he is a new man. I hope and pray this is true, but has he really done the work to make consistant and REAL changes that will withstand the test of time???
Keep on lovin' the new YOU!!! You are worth so much!!!!
Thanks, GTO!! I hear you! While I am starting to open up to the idea of "trying" with H, I really do have no expectations. Honestly, I more so expect that I will chose D. But, we will see. I can't really explain it, but I am really living this moment by moment. I still have my boundaries, and a bit of a wall around my emotions. Well, not really a wall. I think of it like this. My love for H was intoxicating. My trust was blind and this whole this rocked my world to the foundation. But now I know, God and me are my only true "best friends". Trust God, love people. I know I can be hurt today, so I take care of me first. Don't know if I explained it right, but it's a cool place to be. I'm not googly-eyed by love today. If I choose to be in a R with H, I know the deal.
We were hanging out last night after the kids went to bed and he started talking about how scary it is to really feel his feelings. How instead of just running so some woman to make himself feel better, he is letting his emotions happen. Then he said "I have no idea if I'm a one woman man. But, I don't want to be doing it to stuff my emotions. All the lies. God. I mean, I don't know. I want to be, so I guess that's my answer." I validated. He has said that if he does sleep with someone or even has an overwhelming urge, he will discuss it with me. When he first said that, he goes "So, if I screw up, would you kick me out?" I told him I have no idea, but that probably not. "But if you ever lie to me again, yes. And I can't be your friend at all then." He said he feels such relief that he can be honest with me, and that I don't seem to judge it. And really, I don't. His defects aren't a reflection on me. I just won't be in a R with him.
Again...helped with kids and dinner...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
