What's Going On?!? - Cautiously Contemplating

[RealityTrip]

OOOOHHHH Boy. The W is coming to pick me up at work for lunch. I assume when she drops me off she is on the road. Here's the conversation in my head with myself:

"Do not ask her where she is going. If she is going to the AP for the holiday or her brother's is out of your control. Yes, You want to know but knowing may hurt you. You cannot let her leave with anything less than a PMA. This is the last thing she will remember about her time here. It's what will stick. RT! STFU!!! No probing, no questioning, no passive-aggressive comments that you are so good at. (we are working on this) End on a high note. Prove to yourself that you are OK with or without your W. Show yourself what you already know... She's a fool for leaving."

Here we go... She'll be here in 15 min.

[JuneReN]

SIDE NOTE: DB'ing has made me a better friend too. I had a friend tell me she was upset with me yesterday and felt I had not been totally honest with her on something. I don't know how it happened (lol!) but I just listened, validated, understood her point of view and apologized that my actions had hurt her. Made no excuses. Didn't try to control the conversation and make her see my point of view. After a few minutes she said "ok. I'm done." I responded "I here if you have anything else you need to say to me." All of this... even though I didn't really agree with her. But I could tell (from that crazy listening thing!) the whole thing meant more to her than to me so I just tried to be present for her. Totally behind us now. Awesome.

It is so the "side notes" that make us aware of how much we have grown, isn't it?

[JuneReN]

GO RT GO!!!

Smile, as if, this was best time, you came out, great to see you !!! SMILE!!

[Papa4Life]

Ahh, Danial-san, you've sanded the floor and waxed-on, waxed-off so often, you're ready to take on the Cobra Kai! Sweep the leg!!! Sorry... Don't even know if you're old enough to get that refernce. Let's see...[scroll, scroll]. Aha! 39z you get it

But seriously (inevitably that phrase seems to make it into every one of my posts) you're use of the DBing 'crane technique' and it's resulting positive outcome goes back to Men are from Mars, women are from venus. Guys are wired to be problem solvers, so if a woman says to us, hey, that was rotten what you did, we tend to say something like, well, next time do this and it won't happen again.

But as most of us LBHs are now learning, she's not saying solve my problem for me. What they are really saying is, hey you hurt my feelings when you did that. So, by listening calmly and validating her feelings, you help her feel acknowledged and emotionally valued. And all it takes is a few minutes of STHU! Who knew?

[~ kd ~]

You did awesome last night and this morning! Your positive gains working on yourself will have served you well during your lunch with W, no doubt.

Remember that you can go LRT at a later time, if that ends up what you want. For now, keep up the great work! You ARE a woman only a fool would leave.

{{{RT}}}

[RealityTrip]

Link to new thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2352377#Post2352377

[HeavyD]

RealityTrip

I have read your posts and really am impressed with you rjourney of self discovery and acceptance of your issues.

I too am lesbian and married to my wife of 19 years (10 years as DP and 5 years of marriage). We have two kids 9 and 5 and on our anniversary she informs me there is another woman. You can read my posts by searching my username fudge23.

Needless to say, I am in full blown freak out mode and everything I seem to so is wrong. I say the wrong thing do the wrong thing and my wife is spewing she has wanted to leave me for years and that everything has been wrong in our 19 year marriage. I can promise you that our marriage was overall very good and our kids are amazing and that this is the affair fog talking. It breaks me heart but I am still her and trying to wait out this terrible situation that is ruining my life.

I would love any words of advice you could spare.

JAN

[Wonka]

Jan,

RT has disappeared and hasn't come back in a while as she's happily reconciled with her W.

There's another gay woman over in Surviving D forum whose screen name is Valeska (aka Val). Her M didn't survive, but she's thriving just fine!

Keep posting in your own thread and visit other threads that resonates with you to drive traffic back to your thread.

[HeavyD]

Hi Wonka

I wanted to touch base because I haven't heard rom you in a while. I have calmed myself, gotten some meds to help me through and am focused on me and my kids.

I have accepted that my wife is in love with another and I have to move on regardless of how I feel. I can't control her or most likely anything other than myself. I am working on it.

I am signing up to volunteer at our hospital and have been getting out of the house more with the kids and meeting up with friends. I am detaching and GAL and keeping a PMA.

I hope you are doing well.

JAN