Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks for the advice PM. Hope the day finds you well.

Its hard once you finally understand why your spouse wants to leave you. You then realize all the things you have done wrong to cause the D but you just feel so helpless because things have deteriorated to the point of no return.

I now realize the different times my wife has tried to talk to me but i would always turn it around and find some fault that i thought she had and point it out.

I wish i would have read DR sooner, but am almost done with it my second time now. So much useful information, but i fear it is too late for me.

[shouldistillhope]

I have been reading as many threads from others as i can and i have to tell you it is at least comforting to a point to know that our situations can get better as long as we are willing to do the work and have patience.

I want to tell all of you who have responded so far "thanks" and i will keep posting as my situation goes along.

I hope to hear from you all soon. Hopefully i will be off moderation in the near future and i will support any of you that i can as well.

[Fartiltre]

Hi SIS
(Remember: I am not a VET!)

Keep posting! Be specific about the matters!
(It is the number of posts that will get you off moderation!)

Get the stuff off your chest - this will help you sort out things and it will help you in dealing with the situation! It have occurred to me that VETS and others primarily post in times of extraordinary problems or cases. There a lot of people in here and VETS do not have all the time in the world! I know you think that your problems are extraordinary – so is mine and everybody else’s
We are one big, not so happy bunch of people wit our own extraordinary problem!
People are following your tread!! If you doubt this then just look at the number of views!



Define your own path and your own goals! What do you wan't out of all of this! I know that to save your M will be a top priority! How will this be possible? Now that you are through DR then look at the posts from AS and PM in your thread. Combine the book and the posts and make your plan! It is in fact quite simple to plan but hard to do! List the things you want to do and then DO them!
Post your plan, your 180s, your goals, your actions and so on.


And then one, two or three things more:

I wish i would have read DR sooner, but am almost done with it my second time now. So much useful information, but i fear it is too late for me.

That´s up to you, only you and nobody else! You decide when it is over! You decide to continue to work on you, to DB and therefore also on possible R – DO the work!

Its hard once you finally understand why your spouse wants to leave you. You then realize all the things you have done wrong to cause the D but you just feel so helpless because things have deteriorated to the point of no return.

If you understand her – that’s good! A major but needed step! Good! Just don't believe your understanding too much! This is tricky matters!
Continue to educate yourself on the brain of the WAS! There's a lot off excellent material in here!

You are not helpless but the only one to help you – is you! You can have support from here and elsewhere – but it is up to you and nobody else to actually DO it! Look at the R stories around this forum and on www – point of no return just doesn’t exist! Perhaps to you but not in general! It will be rough and hard, but someone else have done it and from a much worse situation than yours! (or mine!)
As you told me! There is hope and you have to cling very hard to this! DO it!

I now realize the different times my wife has tried to talk to me but i would always turn it around and find some fault that i thought she had and point it out.

Me too – and we are not alone! It is good that you are realizing this. Think back on these convos and find the things she complained about. Add them to your list and make them into areas of possible 180s for you! DO the 180s!


As Yoda said: Do or do not – there is no try! So DO!

We will be pulling for you! But you have to DO the work!

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks for the kind words and advice Fartliltre,

I hope today finds you well.

Last night my W and i had to do something that no parents should ever be faced with doing, and that is breaking the hearts of their children.

We sat our S4 and S7 down together and told them we were getting a D.

Our S4 said ok but i get to live with daddy! It seems he is too young to understand, but as time goes on i think the reality of it will sink in.

S7 did not take it well and to watch your children with tears in their eyes try to understand why mom and dad cant fix this is the most difficult thing to have to go through.

I am excited to take them camping for the weekend though. Hopefully it will help us get our minds off the sitch.

[shouldistillhope]

Before i left our house last night after telling boys about D, i asked my wife what the status was on the D. She said the lawyer is getting the paperwork fixed up and it looks like it will be final July 12.

One month after my 9th anniversary.

I will keep my chin up.

[shouldistillhope]

Only a few more hours to go before i get off work and pick up my boys for a long camping weekend!! A silver lining in what has been an otherwise crappy week.

Hopefully it will help me take my mind off my sitch. It seems like i am always thinking of it every minute all day every day and its hard to control these thoughts about what i did wrong vs. what are my odds of reconciliation.

[shouldistillhope]

I know what my 180's are because my W and i actually sat down last week for the first time since BD and told me some of the things that led us to this point.

1. I was too controlling. She would tell me she was going out with friends and she would be home at a certain time. If she was late i would call her and chew her out for always being late.
I have already stopped doing that even before BD.

2. I am miserable at my current job and i would take it out on her when i got home from work. Very bad thing for me to do, but i continued even though i knew it was wrong.
I have sent numerous resumes in to different companies. I need to set more career goals for myself.

3. I expected her to be my only emotional support system. I rarely ever went out with my friends and seemed to always want to sit at home and pout when she wanted to go out with hers.
I have started reconnecting with some of my old friends again and have had a good time with them.

[shouldistillhope]

Also, i have started to GAL.
my goals are to continue working out, spend as much quality time with my boys as i can, learn to play the guitar, and start golfing more again.

I am excited for these things.

[shouldistillhope]

I feel like i should share an example of me backsliding a bit yesterday. My wife texted me yesterday morning while i was at work saying she wanted to wait to tell the boys about the D until Monday when i brought them back from camping. We agreed earlier in the week to tell them friday before i took them for the weekend. Here is how the texts went:

M: have you said anything to the boys about what's going on? I have gotten numerous phone calls the last two days from friends and i hope the boys dont find out until we both tell them.

W: I have not, and i would like to tell them on monday when you bring them home. i have errands to run after work tomorrow. i will have them packed so when you pick them up you can stop at the house and pick up their bags.

M: We need to tell them Friday if we can. I dont want to wait until Monday because then i have to be the one to leave them for the week.

W: We can tell them at 7:30 when i am done working out then. Or come by tonight and we can tell them.

M: I will come over tonight and we can tell them.. Its too bad that working out is more important for you than telling the boys.

W: Yep.

[shouldistillhope]

I thought about the things i had sent her and regretted quite a bit of it. So i sent her a couple more texts later in the afternoon.

M: I am not going to fight or argue with you about things any more, but we agreed to tell them on Friday. This is not something we should put off since the whole town already knows.

W: Then you can come over tonight right after work and we will tell them.

M: I want to apologize for the things i texted you this morning. this cant be easy for you and i will help you tell the kids and i will support you as well as them in any way i can. I hope we can remain friends through all of this.

W: Thanks, and yes i would like to remain friends. It's just hard when it comes to the boys.