Slowing to a Crawl

[RosaLinda]

I imagine that each situation - at home, nearby or (like mine) far away - all have their challenges and their blessings. No contact can be good as I do not always have to keep up my PMA or be "on" all of the time. I can see how that can be very exhausting. The downside is that I have no clue what is going on with him and while this can be an upside as well, in my case I have trouble controlling my imagination. My imagination always seems to picture him having a rollicking good time without me with his new GF and family. I also have no idea if they have moved in with each other - lots can happen in two months. The advantage to having them in the house is at least you can keep slightly better tabs on where they might be.

You poor woman; I know exactly what you mean about controlling your imagination. I often am upset because of something my H is fooling around with his phone. I just KNOW, have myself convinced, that he is texting the Russian Tramp, but then he shows me a youtube or something that he was looking at. We need to block it out of our minds somehow, but how?

One of my friends at work recommended I watch a video called "The Secret." She says it's about the law of attraction, that we attract stuff into our lives. That positive happy people attract positive happy things and events, and miserable unhappy people attract miserable things. Have any of you ever heard of it? If it's true, I am attracting the Tramp, because I think about her every hour on the hour!!!!!

The hardest thing to get my head around was that even if he broke up with her, that does not mean coming back to me.

This is not necessarily true Portia, don't give up. You two have a long happy history, once he gives up on that crazy woman, he might be back. And if not.....it's his loss.

hang in there, you're doing great! Linda

[BrightFuture]

I have the same issue with imagination. And I have a very good imagination, which makes it very difficult to separate it from the reality. Thanks goodness I’m not aware of any OW at this time, so I can only imagine the generic one. But, when H was trying to hook up with this Mexican girl, I admit that I woke up every morning with her image in my head. I immediately thought that I had the best years of his life with him and she is going to get an aging, broken men with poor health. So, she must be desperate or is trying to use him.

My GF also recommended me to watch “The Secret”. Linda, I don’t how it applies to your thoughts about this Russian Trump OW. Maybe if you think about her as of someone weak and miserable (this is why she needs a sugar daddy), you will diminish her in your eyes and she will stop being so important.

The hardest thing to get my head around was that even if he broke up with her, that does not mean coming back to me.

I hear you, Portia. I have the same thoughts. My H doesn’t have an OW at the moment, but he is not coming back. But, my sitch is different. I’m pretty sure that there was some EA starting at the time of BD, but apparently it didn’t go anywhere. Then he tried to hook up with this Mexican girl, and it didn’t go far either. So, I think he is still hoping to meet a woman of his dreams any time soon. Sometimes I think that if he would have OW already, it would speed up the whole thing. What he is looking for in a partner doesn’t exist. Unless he makes a drastic change in himself…

Portia, your SO might just see that the grass is not greener on the other side. Don’t be discouraged.

[Portia]

Hey Linda and Bright,

So nice to hear from you both. I'll need a new thread soon, but I am glad to hear that I am not alone with the "imagination problem". The pendulum swings strangely for me even when I try to be rational. I cannot keep thinking everything negative from my end (we'll never get back together, I will never see him again) and everything positive from his (so happy with the new relationship and kids). Life does not work that way.

I just wish I knew if he and the GF were getting serious again. Because that is the line that I draw unless it absolutely does not bother me at all. That will take a long time. I do not want to feel as if I am competing.

The hard part is that I cannot see a future for us anymore. He has now been NC for seven weeks and it has been ten months since BD. I feel like I need to face life without him. And I just don't want to. But I must accept. He has moved on and I need to do the same.

I have never read/watched The Secret but I am up for anything these days. Maybe I will check it out.

[RosaLinda]

I am glad to hear that I am not alone with the "imagination problem". The pendulum swings strangely for me even when I try to be rational. I cannot keep thinking everything negative from my end (we'll never get back together, I will never see him again) and everything positive from his (so happy with the new relationship and kids). Life does not work that way.....I have never read/watched The Secret but I am up for anything these days. Maybe I will check it out.

I found a video of The Secret on YouTube, listed as "The Secret Full Movie." It is quite amazing, maybe a bit "out there" in its claims, but what it mostly talks about is the power of positive thinking. It reminds me a bit of Michelle's "Act as If" in the Divorce Remedy. To quote DR, "Regardless of how skeptical you might be about the possibilities of good things happening, 'act as if.' Do all things you would do if you were convinced of a positive outcome. Then watch the results."

I guess this is also why she advises us to GAL, to get a life and to be happy and interesting and fun.

I was a positive, upbeat, happy person until my H hit me with his "I love you but..." speech. Then I got clingy and whiny and crying and pushy and horrible. An unhappy blob. I would not have wanted to stay married to me, I wonder why my H did not leave then.

This is all coming together for me, at least mentally. I hope I am able to actually learn to live it! And you too, Portia and Bright, let's try to think positively, and to act as if we are people whom our men would be idiots to leave. The women whom they fell in love with!! (easier said than done, I know)

I just wish I knew if he and the GF were getting serious again. Because that is the line that I draw unless it absolutely does not bother me at all. That will take a long time. I do not want to feel as if I am competing.

The hard part is that I cannot see a future for us anymore. He has now been NC for seven weeks and it has been ten months since BD. I feel like I need to face life without him. And I just don't want to. But I must accept. He has moved on and I need to do the same.

Is there someone who knows them you can ask Portia? To at least find out if they are living together again? But listen, even if they ARE serious, that does not mean that your SO will not get tired of the OW. He left you because he could not face real life with all its problems, and wants to live a fantasy life. Life with the OW will not be problem free, or care free.

Seven weeks IS a long time with no contact. How long did the vets advise you to follow NC? Did you say that you planned to contact him in July? Maybe a quick text message, did he leave something at your house you could ask him about? This must be very very hard for you.

[Portia]

Hi Linda,

Hope things are settling down for you a bit. I know all about the obsessive reading on this board and other threads. Wish I would have read it all way before it came to all of this.

No, there is no one I can really ask. We live in two separate cities and I have never lived in his, so all of the friends that are there are more his than mine. And I do not want to involve family.

I think you are right when you say that life will not be problem free. He actually said this himself when he said after only a few months that things were "plateauing" between them. Then a couple of months after that he said that they threw in the towel. Of course, the last time we spoke he was sniffing around her again so I really do not know where they are at. For all I know there could be someone new.

Such is life.

I have started a new thread since this one is getting long, so I hope to see you there. And of course, I will pop by and visit you as well. Have a good Friday!!

New thread: Swimming Upstream Against the Current

[makingmagic]

Hi Linda... thank you for reminding me of the Secret. Is the entire movie on youtube?

Tx, wfm

[RosaLinda]

Yes, I found the both the first 20 minutes of The Secret, and the whole movie. A couple of the whole movie links had been removed, but I found one that worked!

I'm moving over to Portia's new thread, WaitingForMagic. It's nice to meet you!