As always thanks for the support. Yesterday was really draining for me. I called almost everyone on my support list to discuss the possibility of filing or giving ultimatum. Was disappointed in myself because yesterday I allowed my anxiety to control me.
When I got home from work my W actually talked my ear off about how her day went (not good, kids etc..stressed out stay at home mom) With the long weekend coming up I offered to take the day off and take the kids for the day. She declined and it made sense. My daughter was in school til noon and my son had a full day of school and the forecast is rain. Oddly after suggesting that she stopped talking to me and went silent. So I grabbed the kids and went out pizza and icecream. came home did their homework and gave baths, put them to bed.
After putting the kids to bed it was almost 9. I was FN drained but I went downstairs to the basement and grabbed my acoustic guitar and left for open mic. On the way out I respectfully told her I was heading to open mic that I would be home a little after 11. She shook her head didn't say much and I left.
I went to open mic and it was strange for me. It was a huge mix of people who just loved acoustic stuff. Euke's, mandolins, acoustics, 12 strings, banjos. Almost felt like Alanon for musicians. When I was there I almost left. I mean I am 39 and some of these guys were 80 playing songs from the 40's. As I got up to leave another kid jumped on the mic and his acoustic song was awesome. It drew me back in. I ended up staying to the very end. Next week I am going to bring some of my original tunes with me. The open mic ended with about 16 musicians playing all sorts of instruments playing the song wagon wheel. Really cool night and glad I forced myself out and stayed.
I purchased audio book codependent no more. It made me realize well I'm codependent. I was scheduled to go to Alanon last night but meeting was at 730 and because of the state of the union at the house last night with kids and W's stress level I rerouted.
I did realize one major trigger for me. Again I guess recognizing is half the battle. When my W txt me it is a trigger. I fall into the trap of hoping she replies back to my txt. It is a major trigger for me. Not sure why. But it is. So I came up with a plan. Reply back in away that sets the expectations of no response. Short replies like. Thx. Great. Ok. Sounds good.
So based on my W's response to taking the day off today I got up early showered and went to work. Will save the day off for a sunnier day.
Next week I plan on attending alanon. I am waiting on counselors to return calls. Really need to find a good one that is versed in ACoa, Codependency, anxiety etc..
I see the power of GAL. I wish I could GAL every night like that.It is difficult with 2 young kids but I am seeking for 2 nights a week out of the house and on the other nights I can practice my original songs for Thursday night. Guitar has been collecting dust for quite a while. One thing that really jumped out at me at the open mic is no matter how bad you suck up there nobody cares. They just want to hear you play
