2 year A confirmed

[complicated]

So back in about November I posted in newcomers but after a lot of reading here and on other sites realize my h is in mlc. Always thought mlc was working out and shiny new car. Not depressed and gaining weight. I'll try and be brief.

We have 3 daughters and with the oldest we went through some depression issues with her. She is doing great now but at the time we didn't agree with how to handle it. He basically pushed me aside.

He says that he didn't feel like I loved him and of course I felt he no longer cared about me. He found an email where I was asking my sister for a name of an attorney. I wasn't planning on using it - only if he did. I was convinced he no longer loved me. We had been seeing counseling for both the issues with our daughter and now our marital issues. He went on antidepressants and pretty much forced me to go on them too by saying I don't care about him because I never listen to him. So finally after about a year I did but by then he was done.

We lived together for a while then he finally filed. A few weeks before the divorce was to be final we both stopped it. (I had counter filed). He moved out.

In Nov 2012 he went on a vacation with a "friend", female. I had found text messages from her in the past where she said she loved him etc. This hurt. Our kids also were hurt by this and ever since he has had some issues with our youngest. While leaving for the trip he said he thought this was a mistake and he had actually been thinking about coming home. He never did. A friend of his also said he had discussed that several times with him.

Fast forward to last weekend. We actually had very nice evening together. He was getting ready to leave and I was taking our dogs out when a car out front said" Is your dad home?" I said "what"? She said is h home? By then h came out and said go inside. I said so who is this? He said OW.

They stayed outside about an hour when finally I went back out (it was late) and said "I think it's time for you to leave. H came back inside and admitted everything. Well I'm sure there are still some more secrets but he admitted the A. It had been going on for at least 2 years. I had noticed that i had a missed phone call on my phone. She had tried to call me. According to h, he had cooled it with her, saying he needed time to think about things and what he wanted. Apparently she had been wanting more. His words. I think he had probably cooled it and she thought she would expose him and I would file.

The next morning I text her and said i don't know why you called and came over but leave my family alone. I know, big mistake but I couldn't stop myself. Otherwise I feel like I handled myself very good. My c also thinks so. She returned with some nasty texts which I didn't return and a nasty voicemail. I never have talked to her.

So h said he needs to work on himself and I totally agree. Like everyone else has experienced, everything is my fault and he has rewritten history. Even justifies the affair by saying I hurt him so bad. Of course he doesn't acknowledge what he has done to me. He doesn't know what he wants. He said that he has been doing a lot of thinking and doesn't think life for anyone would be good with a divorce. Saw some home movies and didn't like some things he saw about himself and also saw that we did have some good times. Also realizes our girls will someday get married and how will that be?

He said that being on the AD's for that long and drinking way to much put him in a fog. I agree but he is also in mlc.

I told him that I loved him but I had a lot to process. I know that may not have been the best thing to say. I also said that I had to learn to forgive him but that was for me that I didn't want to carry that burden. I forgot to mention that he holds on to everything. He doesn't forgive. He can tell me everything I have done to him in the last 28 years.

I also told him I am at the end of my rope. That I took this time to be a better person and although I want to keep my family in tact I didn't know if I would still feel that way if he took too much longer. Realize this has been going on for several years. In addition I am now having to deal with the realization of the A and if he couldn't decide that he wanted to work on his M after all of the hurt that the A has caused, that it would be that much harder for me to decide to work on it any longer either.

I was pretty sure about the A but it was the confirmation that still hurt.

I know I did a lot of things wrong just now but I think I'm just so tired of limbo. I had been detaching and doing things but keeping up with the house, kids job etc doesn't leave a whole lot of time. I need to add that when he would find out I went out he would make snide comments. He would also check my cell phone records. I couldn't check his anyway because he has a work phone.

I'm not really sure what to do. I have been in counseling this whole time and he is just now going back after not going for about 5 months. He was getting off the AD's. While C can't say what happens in the sessions she did tell me she felt she had a positive session with him his first time back. She also said only I know when I have had enough. She said he asked how I was doing (in counseling I'm sure he meant) and she said very well.

I admire alot of you that have so much patience. I have always been a little light in the patience category but I'm trying.

Eventhough I have read a lot on mlc I am a little confused on where he may be in his journey. I realize after reading everyone else's stories that even if he would decide to give the r a chance we have a very tough road. Need a little help. I really want this to work but I am also tired of limbo. He comes around a little but there are still more times when I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. For Mother's Day I got a card from him and the girls as well as a gift. Very impersonal, from All of Us.

I have read DB and DR but did not find out about them until the end of last year. I started by doing all of the wrong things of course.

Where do I go from here? I am learning so much from everyone else, I'm just having trouble seeing clearly in my own case. Any help is greatly appreciated.